Post # 1
Hi Bees! Wondering if anyone else is having shower drama? Though mild, I was convinced I wouldn’t have to deal with this BS. It started with my cousin who quit her job in the spring to go back to school then cried poor (she’s still in the wedding of course, love her dearly, gave her an out, and she said she’d figure it out)….then it came time to create the shower list. So I did. Mind you, I included my family, close friends, fiance’s family, and some family friends of his mom. Although we discussed the shower list, I never sent it to her (and she also never asked to see it). Total, including myself/bridesmaids, there is 65 on the list. I think this is a fair amount–it was 70 at one point, and I was asked to trim it to 60 by Maid/Matron of Honor, I guess due to where they wanted to host it…then cut too many people, thus landing at 65.
Fast forward to this morning, Future Mother-In-Law texts me saying 6 of her close friends called her about not being invited to the shower, along with 2 cousins that I missed. Completely unintentional…I’m not close with them and didn’t think to have them as guests. Now I’m getting crap from my Maid/Matron of Honor about how 8 extra people is too much and she’s already putting in $500 extra for the whole thing because between the 6 bridesmaids they were only comfortable spending a certain amount of money. Future Mother-In-Law isn’t happy…Maid/Matron of Honor is pissed…Feeling bad, but also feeling really irritated right now. Am I out of line to ask for 8 more people? Can already guarantee 5 from the original list won’t make it anyway (across the country and only travelling for the wedding).
Need your thoughts!!!
Post # 2
I think Future Mother-In-Law should pony up for the extra guests she wants to add, same as if she added random people to the guest list for your wedding. As for the cousins, if someone asked you to invite them (for example, your mom or FMIL), that person should be picking up the tab.
Post # 3
if your Maid/Matron of Honor and other bridesmaids can’t afford to have more people come, then that’s totally understandable. 60ish people is a really nice sized shower anyways. if you really feel like youre going to miss the two cousins being there, then i would invite them. since you said that there are 5 others that wont be showing anyways. as for the friends of your Future Mother-In-Law, if she wants them there that bad then you could tell her that the bridal party has already paid what they can for your friends and family and if she really wants them there, she can cover the cost of her friends.
Post # 4
FantasticFawn : What she said. If she wants additional people invited she pays.
Post # 5
the BM/MOH should be hosting the party they can afford. if the Bridesmaid or Best Man can’t contribute to the shower that (presumably) the Maid/Matron of Honor planned, then they should plan a different shower. your Maid/Matron of Honor should ask everyone what they can contribute, then plan a shower for the number of guests you’d like to invite for that amount. this might mean having it at someone’s house/backyard – and that’s totally ok! but you Maid/Matron of Honor shouldn’t be b*tching about the guest list and throwing in extra cash when the BMs won’t, as it sounds like she planned a shower outside their budgets.
Post # 6
Thanks ladies…Future Mother-In-Law is already paying for all 90 of their invited guests, fiance feels bad about asking her to pony up more because they’re apparently already strapped right now. I’m pissed off because the Maid/Matron of Honor was rude about it, considering there will be quite a few who won’t make it anyway…and for Future Mother-In-Law to assume all of her people are invited—if she felt strongly about certain guests she should have made an effort to tell me. Grrrr. No one is really immune to “no drama” surrounding weddings!
Post # 7
How much time do you have? I ended up splitting my bridal shower into 2. My Future Mother-In-Law wasn’t expecting the number I gave her (AND she might have felt weird having her ex’s family at her house). But it was so early, we just decided to have a separate shower for my FI’s dad’s family (they’re divorced) If that’s not an option, and your Future Mother-In-Law really insists on having the extra people, I would ask for her to pay for it. If she doesn’t want to or can’t, tell her they can’t come. Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do to make everyone happy.
Post # 8
As to your FMIL’s requested guests, if you were to decide to allow her to add them, I do think she should pay. However, you’re within reason to tell her the guest list is already at max hosting capacity, and anyway you’d like the shower to just be comprised of people you’re close to.
I would ask you (and perhaps you could even remind your Future Mother-In-Law of this) to bear in mind that the host of the shower has ultimate control over how big the party is. That would be your Maid/Matron of Honor and whomever else is helping her throw the shower. You’re the guest of honor, and obviously you need to tell the hosts which people are important to you and you’d like on the list, but the hosts shouldn’t throw a shower of a size they can’t reasonable afford or accommodate. So it’s entirely reasonable for your Maid/Matron of Honor to tell you what her hosting limit is for this party. 8 more people may not seem like a lot in the grand scheme of things, but if she’s at the point of pinching pennies it might be, or she might be concerned it’s going to be a slippery slope (“Oh wait, two more”; “Sorry, can we squeeze one more?”…)
I just add that part because, having hosted a few bridal/baby showers I’ve noticed it’s become really common for a bride or expectant mother to just hand over a list of 70 people without even bothering to ask what the host’s limits/thoughts are. Whenever someone offers to throw me a party/shower and asks me for a guest list, I always inquire about the size of the event they’re considering. Showers were traditionally more intimate events anyway, and I have always been very careful about not taking advantage of my host, even though my family is huge.
Easy for Future Mother-In-Law to just start adding names to the list when she’s not the one hosting. If she’s not willing to do that, she can stamp her feet all she wants, but neither you nor your Maid/Matron of Honor are obligated to add more guests.
Post # 9
Yes, you are out of line asking for more people. If the hosts (MOH) in this case can’t afford more, she can’t afford more. If FMILs friends want a shower, they could host a second one for you for people on that side. I already think you were out of line for inviting 65 when she said she could only accomodate 60.
Post # 10
gypsy129 : If your FI’s family is strapped for cash, though, it’s not fair to pass the costs along to your Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s not her responsibility to cover for them. If she indicated she and the other BMs are comfortable paying for 60 people and 8 people out of those 60 have cancelled, I would ask her if she’s ok with subbing in FMIL’s friends + the two cousins. If not, then I think you either need to cover the cost yourself or push back on inviting the extra guests.
Post # 11
I agree that isn’t fair to ask Maid/Matron of Honor for 8 more people.. You did say 5 aren’t coming FOR SURE. If that is the case, then ask if you OR Future Mother-In-Law can pay for the remaining three since technically you could subtract the 5 out of the grand total would mean only adding 3 more.
Post # 12
Why don’t you pay for the additional guests?
Post # 13
dandelionlou : Wedding is in December but two showers aren’t an option for us, though I do know of other brides in similar situations where they needed both.
GreenGables : You bring up good points, thanks for your input. Having been a Bridesmaid or Best Man in half a dozen weddings, I totally get the cost issue and I made it very clear I wanted something simple, but I think Maid/Matron of Honor gets into party planning mode and gets excited…the blow is a little harder because my mom and fiance’s mom aren’t contributing to the shower, so I might have to ask them to step in. Both are doing so much for the wedding already, and I know even my mom is struggling a bit. Definitely not trying to take advantage of anyone, but with a 200 person guest wedding (fiance and I are doing most of it) the notion of “small and intimate shower” gets tough.
chocochai : The only reason she said 60 is because of the particular venue she was looking at; she then told me the new venue holds 75-80 so if I wanted to add others to the list I could, including those 5. (FYI — these are folks who live across the country but their siblings live near me (we are all cousins) it would have been inconsiderate to not invite them just because I assumed they wouldn’t travel.)
Post # 14
gypsy129 : uhh I think you’re super out of line to even invite 65, much less ask for more. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is hosting, you should have asked her before making the guest list. Even if your Future Mother-In-Law wanted to pay for her guests, I think it’d be rude to essentially say to the host “what you’re offering isn’t good enough – here’s more money to make it better.” I’m of the opinion that 60 is way too many at a shower anyway.
Post # 15
Throwing a shower is always optional and it is always voluntary. It is supposed to be nothing more than an intimate and low key party thrown by a friend or friend of the family for close friends and perhaps immediate family. There is nothing wrong with having more than one shower for different groups of people, for example an office shower or a shower thrown by friends of one of the moms.
It’s up to the host to set the budget and the guidelines. Expecting or even allowing your Maid/Matron of Honor to host over 60 people was totally over the top and out of line in the first place, IMO. And asking to add even more people at this point is outrageous.
And what was the story with your cousin? If you were annoyed that she is not participating in this shower or any other pre-wedding event in a way that you approve, that is totally inappropriate. When you say you “gave her an out” based on what type of expectation?