Post # 1
So a close friend of mine is getting married in June. My husband and I are actually best friends with her husband and that is how we met her. My husband is in their wedding but I am not. I am totally fine with that since we just recently became close a few years ago. She lives here in CO but is orginally from the east coast and that is where all of her family is, including her bridal party. That said, her mom text me the other day and said they won’t be doing a shower for her since she won’t be coming out there before the wedding, but that if we were going to do something for her, let her know and she would help pitch. In my mind, I feel like that makes me obligated to do something for her.
I reached out to my best friend who is also close with the bride, but also not in the bridal party, telling her what the mom said and asking what we should do. At first she got mad at the mom and said, “we are not her birdal party, so it shoud not be forced on us to do anything for her”. I thought, “you’re right”. So I text the mom back and just asked, “do you know if ANYONE from the bridal party is planning on throwing a shower? We are happy to do something small for her but we don’t want it to overlap if they are going to do something for her as well”. I tried to make it sound nice. She said, “I don’t talk to half her bridal party since they are on her dad’s side, so I don’t think so”. To which I replied, “okay well we will probably just do something small but I will let you know when and what we plan”. She was super appreciative but now I need to plan something. Side note: my best friend eventually softened up and agreed we need to do something for the bride. She would do the same for us if we were in her situation.
The bride has no one here but us so I definitely feel like we have to do a small shower. I plan on doing it at my house, and potluck-brunch style. There will probably only be 5-7 girls there, is that okay? I want it to be nice, but don’t want to go over the top…thoughts, ideas, suggestions? Is it okay to ask the girls invited to bring a dish or champagne for mimosas, as well as a small gift (maybe a lingere themed shower)?
Also, her sister is her Maid/Matron of Honor (who also lives on the east coast). Apparently she is not planning a shower but she is planning the bachelorette party, which we are invited to. Still haven’t heard what the plan is though. I don’t want to make this a big deal but I wish her sister would be more invovled and I don’t think she is. Since I am not really a “best friend”, and don’t know the sister, I am going to keep my mouth such but WTF?
Sorry for the rant. I definitely don’t want to tell her any of this because I don’t want her to be stressed.
Post # 2
Whatever small plans you have are fine.
Showers are not required to be thrown by the bridal party. And showers are not required at all – if no one offers to throw one then she just doesn’t get one…no big deal and the world keeps on spinning.
However, the fact that you are even throwing one at all is all on you. The text asked a simple question because mom wanted to.contribute if there was one. You read your own guilt into it and let it convince you that you needed to throw something. You could have just replied “There isn’t a shower planned that I have heard at least, but if I hear something, I will let you know.”
And yes, keep your mouth shut because no one is required to throw her a shower or be involved beyond walking down an aisle at the wedding in the first place. Everything else is just optional fluff.
Post # 3
You are under a number of misconceptions. First, a shower is always voluntary and optional. Second, contrary to popular belief, it is not the exclusive obligation or responsibility of the bridal party. Traditionally, any friend, group of friends, or friend of the family can offer to throw one, but family is not supposed to. More liberal etiquette also allows family members to host.
Further, showers are meant to be low key and intimate. There can be more than one as long as the guest lists do not overlap. FWIW, no matter how she worded it, the mother was very rude to hint that this is something you ought to be thinking about. It sounds as if this is something you decided you want to do, but if not, in the future, don’t allow yourself to be pushed into things.
Finally, if you are the host or co-host, no it is never OK to ask others who have not offered to help or plan to contribute or bring food. Host what you can afford.
Post # 4
Kendrao : It’s definitely fine to keep it small, but don’t ask guests to contribute to the food or drink. For 5-7 people I would make a couple of quiche, some muffins, fruit, drinks and call it a day. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate to be nice! Also your gift is the shower itself – don’t feel obligated to then get her a large gift as well. At most a card and a small token is plenty for the hostess.
Post # 5
So I did agree with your best friend when I first read because you aren’t in the bridal party first of all, so you really have zero obligation to throw a party BUT I would probably do what you are doing in this situation because I’d feel bad.
The 5-7 girls would be a perfect number to me BUT could you also consider hosting a couples shower? I only suggest that because you seemed to feel back for lack of possible attendees and a couples shower (especially if you all have mutual friends within the couples) would help with that. Perhaps it would make it less awkward since you said the bride doesn’t have a lot of her own girlfriends/family here, so the same crowd you’d hang out with as couples may alleviate any awkwardness. Because of course I don’t think you want this to come across as a “we feel obligation to throw you a shower since you wouldn’t have one otherwise” event, a couples shower to me would be a “we love you and your fiancé so much and want to shower you with wishes before the wedding!” vibe.
If you don’t want to do the couples shower, I think your original idea is lovely. However, I’d probably group text the girls you plan to invite (besides the bride of course) and see what their thoughts on this are… similar to being in a bridal party, I’d want to be sure they are okay contributing to food, décor, games, etc and not just assume they could and are able.
In other advice, I would try to stay out of it as much as you can and just be a good line of support for the bride. Not your place to say how the sister is acting as her role of Maid/Matron of Honor. Although, I sympathize with you b/c I would be feeling the same way you are.
Post # 6
Kendrao : I agree with PPs — this is 100% on you. You could very easily have said “I’m not aware of anyone planning anything, but if I hear otherwise I’ll pass your offer along.”
Since you took it upon yourself to offer, 5-7 guests is perfectly fine. For this few guests though, why would you need anyone to bring anything? 2-3 bottles of Barefoot, some pastries and an egg bake — done. Even with decorations, this should cost well under $100 (more like $50 in my area) and take maybe 2 hours of work to put together. I would not ask anyont to bring anything, and would not suggest gift ideas like lingerie. If the bride is registered, people will use her registry and if she’s not, they’ll pick something out themself. Don’t make more work for youself when you are already resentful — a theme is not required, especially with such an intimate guest list.
What is WTF about the bachlorette? I’m confused on that one. If you’re invited and can go, then go. If you’re invited and can’t, or not invited, then don’t go. I don’t see any issues here.
Post # 7
I think the brunch idea with 5-7 girls sounds nice, you don’t need to make it more complicated than that, and you and your friend should be able to provide the food and drinks for a group that size on your own. Some of the girls will probably offer to bring something, but don’t ask them outright.
i also don’t think the Maid/Matron of Honor is doing anything wrong if she’s just doing a bachelorette and no shower. Planning these things when you don’t live in the same city as the bride is hard, so she probably just decided to forgo one of the events.
Post # 9
kmbumbee190618 : Thank you for the advice and I appreicate the suggestion of a couples shower. The girlfriends she does have here are very open and willing to participate but in reading everyone’s advice I will probably forego asking them to bring something. I think simple and less stress is the way to go. Thank you for understanding.
Post # 9
Post # 10
I think you commented when I was messing around with my comment, op. Let us know if you need some tips for a lovely low key affair.
Post # 11
Daisy_Mae : “What is WTF about the bachlorette? I’m confused on that one.”
My impression is that the OP is frustrated that the sister isn’t more involved overall, for example in planning and paying for a shower. The fact that the mother asked if friends were planning anything makes me think she as well as the MOH/sister may be of the traditional mindset that family does not host. Apparently that mentality was not enough to stop the mother from what I’d consider imposing on the OP.
Post # 12
Daisy_Mae : I am invited to the bachelorette party. Exactly what weddingmaven : said…I am just frustrated overall that the sister isn’t more involved in helping her sister with planning the wedding and events. The bride has included my best friend and I in a lot of planning conversations, but also that the mother is talking to friends about the bridal shower and not her own daughter, or even the bridal party.
weddingmaven : thanks for both responses. I didn’t want my post to be too long winded, but there are other layers to this mother texting me and invovling me in the planning of events which led up to me thinking I needed to plan this shower. You and all the other bees are right, I imposed this on myself. I am not going to ask girls to bring anything and just keep it simple. Thanks again.