Bridal shower help

posted 2 weeks ago in Parties
Post # 2
Member
4691 posts
Honey bee

Whatever small plans you have are fine. 

Showers are not required to be thrown by the bridal party.  And showers are not required at all – if no one offers to throw one then she just doesn’t get one…no big deal and the world keeps on spinning.

However, the fact that you are even throwing one at all is all on you.  The text asked a simple question because mom wanted to.contribute if there was one. You read your own guilt into it and let it convince you that you needed to throw something.  You could have just replied “There isn’t a shower planned that I have heard at least, but if I hear something, I will let you know.”

And yes, keep your mouth shut because no one is required to throw her a shower or be involved beyond walking down an aisle at the wedding in the first place.  Everything else is just optional fluff.

Post # 3
Member
12528 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You are under a number of misconceptions. First, a shower is always voluntary and optional. Second, contrary to popular belief, it is not the exclusive obligation or responsibility of the bridal party. Traditionally, any friend, group of friends, or friend of the family can offer to throw one, but family is not supposed to. More liberal etiquette also allows family members to host. 

Further, showers are meant to be low key and intimate. There can be more than one as long as the guest lists do not overlap. FWIW, no matter how she worded it, the mother was very rude to hint that this is something you ought to be thinking about. It sounds as if this is something you decided you want to do, but if not, in the future, don’t allow yourself to be pushed into things. 

Finally, if you are the host or co-host, no it is never OK to ask others who have not offered to help or plan to contribute or bring food. Host what you can afford. 

Post # 4
Member
8520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Kendrao :  It’s definitely fine to keep it small, but don’t ask guests to contribute to the food or drink. For 5-7 people I would make a couple of quiche, some muffins, fruit, drinks and call it a day. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate to be nice! Also your gift is the shower itself – don’t feel obligated to then get her a large gift as well. At most a card and a small token is plenty for the hostess. 

Post # 5
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

So I did agree with your best friend when I first read because you aren’t in the bridal party first of all, so you really have zero obligation to throw a party BUT I would probably do what you are doing in this situation because I’d feel bad.

The 5-7 girls would be a perfect number to me BUT could you also consider hosting a couples shower? I only suggest that because you seemed to feel back for lack of possible attendees and a couples shower (especially if you all have mutual friends within the couples) would help with that. Perhaps it would make it less awkward since you said the bride doesn’t have a lot of her own girlfriends/family here, so the same crowd you’d hang out with as couples may alleviate any awkwardness. Because of course I don’t think you want this to come across as a “we feel obligation to throw you a shower since you wouldn’t have one otherwise” event, a couples shower to me would be a “we love you and your fiancé so much and want to shower you with wishes before the wedding!” vibe.

If you don’t want to do the couples shower, I think your original idea is lovely. However, I’d probably group text the girls you plan to invite (besides the bride of course) and see what their thoughts on this are… similar to being in a bridal party, I’d want to be sure they are okay contributing to food, décor, games, etc and not just assume they could and are able.

In other advice, I would try to stay out of it as much as you can and just be a good line of support for the bride. Not your place to say how the sister is acting as her role of Maid/Matron of Honor. Although, I sympathize with you b/c I would be feeling the same way you are.

Post # 6
Member
8966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Kendrao :  I agree with PPs — this is 100% on you. You could very easily have said “I’m not aware of anyone planning anything, but if I hear otherwise I’ll pass your offer along.”

Since you took it upon yourself to offer, 5-7 guests is perfectly fine. For this few guests though, why would you need anyone to bring anything? 2-3 bottles of Barefoot, some pastries and an egg bake — done. Even with  decorations, this should cost well under $100 (more like $50 in my area) and take maybe 2 hours of work to put together. I would not ask anyont to bring anything, and would not suggest gift ideas like lingerie. If the bride is registered, people will use her registry and if she’s not, they’ll pick something out themself. Don’t make more work for youself when you are already resentful — a theme is not required, especially with such an intimate guest list.

What is WTF about the bachlorette? I’m confused on that one. If you’re invited and can go, then go. If you’re invited and can’t, or not invited, then don’t go. I don’t see any issues here.

Post # 7
Member
472 posts
Helper bee

I think the brunch idea with 5-7 girls sounds nice, you don’t need to make it more complicated than that, and you and your friend should be able to provide the food and drinks for a group that size on your own. Some of the girls will probably offer to bring something, but don’t ask them outright.

i also don’t think the Maid/Matron of Honor is doing anything wrong if she’s just doing a bachelorette and no shower. Planning these things when you don’t live in the same city as the bride is hard, so she probably just decided to forgo one of the events.

Post # 9
Member
864 posts
Busy bee

Not sure what happened to my comment when I was trying to edit, but I just copied so here’s my comment

Post # 10
Member
864 posts
Busy bee

I think you commented when I was messing around with my comment, op. Let us know if you need some tips for a lovely low key affair.

Post # 11
Member
12528 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Daisy_Mae :  “What is WTF about the bachlorette? I’m confused on that one.”

My impression is that the OP is frustrated that the sister isn’t more involved overall, for example in planning and paying for a shower. The fact that the mother asked if friends were planning anything makes me think she as well as the MOH/sister may be of the traditional mindset that family does not host. Apparently that mentality was not enough to stop the mother from what I’d consider imposing on the OP. 

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