- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 2004
Can I vent here? There is no one to talk to except my husband and I need some outside perspective because he pretty much shares mine.
I’ve been involved in a couple weddings in addition to my own, but now I’m my sister’s Maid/Matron of Honor and I’m planning the bridal shower and tame, modestly priced ($35) bachelorette activities. I have basically no help from the other BMs. One is a junior (bride’s soon to be step-daughter) so that is not an issue, but the other two live far away with one saying.”_her_ church puts them on all the time for less than $100″ Well, I’m trying to give my sister a nice party and I’m asking for financial help with food only. I’ve paid for the venue at a 50% discount at my church (my house is way too small if even just half the number of people she wanted to invite show up), found a sale on linens that was cheaper than rental, and I’m using my own china and supplementing what I don’t have by borrowing dishes, flatware, drinkware, beverage service, serving trays, some linens, etc. from MY mother-in-law and the one Bridesmaid or Best Man is still complaining about things -that she is unwilling to pay for saying it doesn’t need to be so fancy. She’s not even paying for it and I told them I would ask for help with the cost of food only. That is frustrating. I’m planning, shopping and cooking everything and she wants me to set out a veggie tray and serve nuts and punch like they do at her church.
I think she may have just had that for her bridal ahower, and my bridal shower was at one of my BMs house with finger food, but it was much, much smaller and her house is a good deal larger than mine, and all 4 of my adult bridesmaids shared the expenses. So I just tend to think maybe this Bridesmaid or Best Man is jealous and trying to spoil things for my sister by not participating in the bachelorette activities (after the invitations went out for the shower she said her church JUST set the date for a Christmas pageant her children are in and it happens to be the day of the shower and bachelorette activities) and passive-aggressively telling me she won’t help with the money for the food after knowing l plan to cook, not cater. I may end up baking and decorating the cake as well. All the while I have three boys 5 and under, and it’s getting to me. The engagement is only about 6 weeks (I forget now) and the shower is in 12 days with the wedding in 17 days. There just isn’t room to move things so we have to keep to the schedule. The invitations went out last week, a day or so after the wedding invites and after consulting with the 2 adult BMs about the date I selected many times and getting the all-clear from both.
The menu for the reception has no meat except bacon and includes bacon wrapped potatoes, grilled glazed sweet potatoes, goat cheese pears, spinach artichoke dip, grilled cheese and chutney sandwiches, hummus tray, deviled eggs, baked Camembert, stuffed mushrooms, onion and apple tarts, iced tea, punch, coffee and cake for 25-30 people. I read that you should have 4 types of items for every 8 people, and while that seems a bit of overkill to me I thought maybe having a variety would cover for the fact that there isn’t an enormous bounty, and I would make more of the less expensive food like potatoes, mushrooms and sandwichqes. If anyone has ideas that are simple to prepare ahead and heat that day with modestly priced ingredients I seriously would love to hear what they are! I’m still planning and haven’t shopped yet so suggest away!!
I’m debating about asking my sister for some help with everything happening so fast and she chose a (very lovely and precocious) child to be the local bridesmaid. I don’t feel like there is anything I can ask her for without making a huge breach of etiquette. Neither can I complain or inform her that one of her BMs is being so difficult. The other one truly can not help with finances. She has 4 children under 10 and runs a tiny daycare frm her home to make ends meet, and her home is smaller than mine! Not to mention she lives in a neighboring state. I don’t want to cause tension so I’m just trying to carry on, keep receipts and ask for 1/3 of the cost of the food only from the other Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Also my sister has asked to use my linens and decor from the shower without some form of compensation for her wedding reception. It bugs me so much because she’s marrying a man who has given their wedding a budget that is almost triple what mine was and my family budget is being overextended, even on the cheap, to respect her wishes for her wedding events during CHRISTMAS preparations instead of buying gifts for my children, husband and other family. Luckily my children are so young they will be happy with just a few gifts each, and it’s not them that’s bothered by it, it’s me. But there are so many other children to buy for outside of our immediate family, including the two she’s marrying in to. And she asked me for a Christmas gift idea for my three boys that could be shared between the three of them because she has so many expenses right now. her fiance bought his own ring too, so I’m not sure what the expenses are. I’ve seen her budget (she volunteered it for planning) and I’m not jealous of her budget, just shocked and disappointed that she didn’t make her budget go far enough to cover linens and decor for all of her wedding reception which she expects to be about 80% of the people I had at mine, with no dancing or booze. I had both. I think she just made uninformed, quick, convenient and expensive choices without regard to the total budget on both the dress and reception venue in spite of all advice from everywhere. She did very little legwork and picked a beautiful space but there are many other beautiful spaces with the same amenities for far less.
Our mother is unable to contribute a penny and my sister is even considering taking her shopping for something to wear that won’t embarrass anyone, least of all our mother, and I can’t blame her there. That’s a tall order because our mother is unreasonably stubborn about her clothes which are worse than bad, and all of them very old and ill-fitting.
Is this a site for venting? I don’t think there’s a solution other than what I’m doing – suck it up and shut up…to the people involved anyway.