- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2011
Hi there, I need some advice. I am the Maid/Matron of Honor for a dear friend who became engaged about six months ago.
Her fiance is a very loving guy who enlisted in the army shortly before he proposed. He is currently based in Texas, on the other side of the country.
They are hoping to get married late in the fall or at Christmas time – no date has been set because he needs to complete his training before the army will give him a date on which he can be on leave for the wedding.
Due to bureaucratic issues with the military, they are considering having a courthouse ceremony so that she can go out there and live with him, and then later on have the big wedding back here with their families.
The bride also seems uncertain about the whole wedding thing in general – yesterday she was talking with me and the other bridesmaids and was saying things like “Do I really want a wedding?” “Do I really need one?”
She has said things like this in the past, but after the conversations she usually tells me that she doesn’t really want to elope. She’s just thinking out loud.
The problem is that she also told me yesterday that we need to move up her bridal shower because a couple of important shower invitees are preparing to move out of town and they wouldn’t be able to attend if we have it in late summer. We’d be moving it up to about 4 weeks from now.
The thing is I’m not sure if it’s proper to have a bridal shower when there’s no wedding date yet! Plus, her shower guest list has 30 women on it and they all would have to be invited to the wedding of course. But what if after the shower, they decide to stuff it and just elope?
I tried to gently address this because I was already concerned by the “courthouse ceremony followed months later by big wedding” scenario. I realize military people do these semi-elopements all the time. But she would be moving across the country and living with him and everything! I know one other bride who did this but they were waiting for the big religious wedding to have sex for the first time, for instance. Their legal marriage truly was just paperwork.
I think she was offended when I brought these concerns up. I so much want to give her a lovely shower, it would be so much fun! So I dropped it.
But now my nightmare is flaring up again. What if we have this big shower and move it up to late July, there is STILL no date set for the big day, they do the courthouse wedding and she goes out there and the big wedding just never comes together? If I was a shower guest I would always remember the bride who accepted my gift but who never invited me to a wedding (and the Maid/Matron of Honor who let it happen!)
She hasn’t bought a dress or done any other preparations for an actual wedding. I’m just scared it’s going to go by the wayside. Money is definitely an issue and I don’t know how keen she’ll be to plan a wedding back here from six states away after she is settled into married life.
What do the bees think about this? Is it really nothing to be worried about? As Maid/Matron of Honor I feel I have to put out any fires but I don’t know how to bring this up without hurting feelings. She’s been through some tough times and I want things to be nice for her.