Post # 1
A friend asked me to throw her a bridal shower, the couple had a quickie vow exchange so she could live with him, because they just had a baby and the military wont let her live with him on base if they arent married. Theyre moving to a different state in a couple months because of the military, and plan on having a real wedding ceremony there, in a year or two. Her main reason she wants one here is that her friends are here and she wont know anyone in the new state. The thing is, in a yr. or two, when the ceremony might actually happen, she probably WILL know people there and be out of touch with the ones here. I feel strange hosting(and paying) for a shower for a wedding that might not happen, theres no planning going on, no date set. To make it more complicated she just found out her partner was texting a woman innapropriate things and says they talked about it and worked it out but I just feel like that’s strange and while they are technically married already and its none of my business, actions like that dont exactly say he’s taking the quickie vow exchange seriously. Which makes me hesitant to throw a shower, when I dont believe they’ll be together still in a yr or two. I also dont have the money to throw the shower she wants, there are no pretty places really here so Id have to rent a space to have it, her house is too small, mines undergoing construction, and here thats costly, plus decor,food, ect…I dont know what to do without hurting her feelings, Im about 7yrs older than her and I just dont think they are actually going to stay together and feel awkward with no wedding anything set yet.
Post # 3
@audoneout86: Regardless of circumstances, she chose to get married already and there is not another ceremony/wedding in sight, so I don’t see the need for a bridal shower right now. Honestly, this seems really gift grabby. If she were having a formal ceremony/reception in a few months and things were planned, it might be different, but I personally wouldn’t host one for her now.
Whether or not you think they will stay together is irrevelant. People get divorced all the time, but stil have a shower and wedding.
You can tell her that you would be happy to throw her one when her wedding date is set/gets closer.
Post # 4
OK, but… they ARE married. The real wedding already happened; the second one will be the fake. (Unless they drag out that old chestnut, “vow renewal.”) You shouldn’t host a bridal shower that you can’t afford, though. It sounds like you need to chat with the bride about that and explain that you just don’t have the resources available to do what she wants.
Post # 5
i wouldnt host a bridal shower but maybe a farewell get together
Post # 6
If you don’t want to host a shower (for any reason), just say no! She can’t ask you to host–you or someone else can volunteer, but she really shouldn’t ask.
Post # 7
No would should “ask” another to throw a shower! I wouldn’t call it a shower…I would call it a party and somewhere in the invite mention they married on such and such date.
Their circumstances are between them. If you don’t feel comfortable celebrating for them, which I totally get, tell her, at this time, it’s not an option for you to host anything and just buy her a gift card.
Post # 8
She’s already married…I think it’s in poor taste to ask someone to throw you a shower ad-hoc? Tell her you’re happy to plan her reception when the time comes but you can’t commit to hosting a shower because you’re busy with personal issues or something. You have to feed your mom’s cat and you might hve a yeast infection or something, if she’s that into getting gifts she’ll just ask someone else.
Post # 9
Thanks to all the replies, I think I’ll just tell her I’d be happy to host a shower closer to the date to avoid confusion for the guests as to why we’re having one after they legally got married and way before they have a traditional ceremony, and that I’d be happy to host a small going away shindig before they move. If the people here decide to fly there and attend a bridal shower, then great, if not thats just being grown up and thats what happens when you decide to move. She doesnt have a very supportive family(they all live in a different state anyway) thats why she asked me, I dont think she’s grubbing for gifts I think she just wants to share the experience with people that do support her, she just probably isnt confident she’ll find anyone in her new state (although I know she will cuz she’s great) Thank you all, this is the first time Ive used these boards and thankfully everyone made it so helpful!
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
I said no, but I meant ‘yes’ to ‘no bridal shower’. Sorry I can’t read X(
Hmm.. doesn’t sound like great start to a wedding at all!
Post # 12
@MrsYoshida: I did the same thing.
She is already married and isn’t having a vow renewal for sometime. If anything throw them a party to celebrate their nuputials but I don’t think gifts should be expected.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Yeham I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either. And she ASKED you to throw her a shower? Weird and grabby.
Post # 14
I didn’t even need to read your full post. If she is already married (quicky vow exchange or otherwise) she does nto get a bridal shower. Showers come before marriage not after. It’s horribly rude that she ASKED you to throw her one anyway. You are under no obligation to do so. It’s also incredibly tacky that they are planning on havinga fake wedding in a couple years but whatever that’s not your fault. I’d run for the hill and dissassociate yourself from this whole mess.
Post # 15
I would just explain to her that you cannot do it, without getting into personal beliefs about the state of her relationship. Just say you’re sorry, but you’re unable to do it.
Post # 16
@audoneout86: if she’s already married it isn’t really a shower, is it?