(Closed) Bridal shower without registry + money ask

posted 4 years ago in Parties
Post # 31
Member
4258 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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somathemagical :  Why would you attend either of these events without bringing something? Yes, I understand the Bee gets shirty with brides who request money, and you may find it in poor taste, but that is never an excuse to attend a wedding or bridal shower empty handed. Also, bridal shower =/= wedding, so I’m not sure why her not registering for gifts equates to not bringing a gift (or cash) at the wedding. 

I understand why people find this in poor taste, but I’ve just never understood it. I’m the type of person who wants to give people what they want. You don’t want a toaster and would rather have cash? Here’s a check! You’re registered for expensive linens I can’t afford? Have a check with what I can afford!

Also, for all those saying “Why have a shower if you can’t be ‘showered’ with gifts???”: When it was time to have my bridal shower, my sisters and my best friend (who all live in a different state, along with 90% of my family members) wanted to throw me a bridal shower. Instead of everyone flying in from out of town, I’d fly up to them. However, because I was traveling, it was just not going to work for me to lug back any gifts given at the shower. My sister put in a note that I was traveling and everyone brought cash/gift cards. I had an absolutely WONDERFUL time with my family, many of whom could not make the trip to my hometown for my wedding. It’s kind of odd to me that so many Bees feel I should not have had the event at all because I wasn’t able to open gifts, which I’m sure everyone can agree is the most boring part of the entire shower. 

Post # 32
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Cultural norms aside, the point of gifts is NOT the person giving the gift, it’s the recipient. For those who think the gifts are more meaningful than cash, keep in mind you may be substituting the value you attach to things for the value that other people attach to things. There are absolutely people who would prefer $10 in cash than a $80 dollar massive serving dish. 

Fiance and I have been living together for years. We’re strict minimalists, and all we own, though sparse, is upgraded and tailored to our life. I told my friends and family that I did not want a shower, that I didn’t need anything more in my life, and I’d prefer the girls and I went out to do something fun instead. All I got in response was that that was the purpose of the bachelorette, and that they were throwing a shower.

And then I got a bunch of candles and towels and wine glasses and dinnerware, which frankly don’t match any of my existing towels, dinnerware or crystal. There’s not enough of them individually to serve with. So I’ve put them all in a cabinet to take out when those specific gift-givers come over, but otherwise they aren’t used.

For the wedding I’m not registering in hopes that people either don’t bring a gift or if they have to, bring cash. Either way, I do not need or want more knicknacks. In fact, I’d rather get $0 than yet another set of novelty salt and pepper shakers that I have to store somewhere and remember to take out on family holidays etc.

Post # 33
Member
9567 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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12_Elle :  well I would never call anyone out about this in real life. The OP asked the internet at large what to do with a FB invite for someone *she is not close to* throwing herself a fundraiser, so in that case I would definitely decline. I just dont view a wedding as a charitable cause. For a close friend I would probably go with the flow but I would still put the gift card in an oven mitt I embroidered or something and no one can stop me! lol.

Post # 35
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m not one for etiquette or traditions- you can “shower” the bride in whatever she needs to be showered in. In my circle, it’s become the norm that couples who have lived together for quite some time still would like to host a nice brunch at a venue to celebrate with their lady friends a month or 2 before the wedding- but they don’t need spoons or towels. So my cousin got married last August, and they had a little poem on the invitation basically stating money would be their preferred gift so they can put it towards their honeymoon, etc. and no one batted an eyelash or stuck up their nose. IMO it’s easier for me to give you cash and you can decide what to use it for, instead of me having to go to a store and spend the same amount of money on something that won’t get used since you’re not registered (hence, you don’t need it.) 

Post # 36
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

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somathemagical :  Regarding bridal showers and wedding gifts, my understanding is that dividing up the amount you plan to gift the couple overall is how it’s done anyway. So if your plan is to gift them $200 dollars overall, you would spend $50 on the shower gift/card and $150 on the wedding gift/card.

Post # 37
Member
1640 posts
Bumble bee

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thesoontobemrsv :  Totally agree with you. My grandma was from Canada and when she got married, she had multiple showers thrown for her. One was a linen shower, one was a china shower, etc. But it was only because she was moving from her parents house to her new house and needed this stuff. It’s not the same nowadays because a lot of people live on their own or together after their parents and before marriage. I don’t know why the “no cash rule” can’t change even though times and situations have changed. I’m also Greek and at Greek weddings they literally throw money at the bride and groom. No one thinks it’s rude. If people care more about proper etiquette than celebrating with their family or close friends, then by all means, decline the shower.

Post # 38
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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12_Elle :  I think it’s so selfish when people ask for gifts.  So there’s that.

Post # 39
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I find it sad that people don’t even understand how to give a gift anymore if the person hasn’t demanded specific items.  Registries are so tacky.

Also, how do showers work if people bring cash?  Half the shower is usually people opening gifts and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over them.  Do people open cards and say “Thanks for the 20 bucks Susie!”

Cringeworthy.  Civility is dead.

Post # 40
Member
993 posts
Busy bee

I just had my shower and I do have a registry.  Only one person bought me a gift from the registry, others bought me things they think I’d like, one person bought me some naughty gifts, and the rest brought cash or cash equivalents (gift cards).  Using my experience as a guide, you can either bring cash or get something generic.  I wouldn’t not go though based on the registry but I don’t get so hung up on such things.

Post # 42
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

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12_Elle :  In what universe is a wedding (aka a party) a “need”? Brides who can’t afford even the smallest of weddings on their own, but insist on it and taking on the “huge financial burden” anyway are being incredibly irresponsible and shouldn’t expect anyone to help fund it. 

Post # 43
Member
13908 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Showers are supposed to be about low key, practical gifts. The whole point is to give gifts, but you need not feel obliged to give according to her rude and inappropriate request. If it’s not something she can use, she can always return, sell or donate. I’d either bring something or would not attend at all. 

Post # 44
Member
4258 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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fredthebasil :  When I had my shower, I didn’t open up cards and announce how much everyone gave me, because, duh, that’s ridiuclous. Instead of making everyone sit through thirty-forty minutes of me opening gifts, everyone had brunch, mingled, and played a couple of games. It was a shorter shower than some, but it was no less of a shower. You can’t see how people can still come together without opening gifts? Also, registries are suggestions, not jury summons. There are people out there, like myself, who would prefer to get the couple something they want rather than gift them something they won’t like, have no use for, or just sits in a cabinet gathering dust until it eventually ends up at Goodwill. It’s not about people not “knowing” how to get a gift for someone and moreso ensuring it’s something they want. 

In general, I just will never understand the money vs registry (or the annoyance of a registry) debate at all. 

Post # 45
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

If you feel uncomfortable giving cash, simply buy a gift of your choosing and include a gift receipt. If she doesn’t want it she will return it for cash. That way you are satisfied because you didn’t give cash, and she is happy that she got cash in the end.

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