Post # 1
I am planning my daughter’s wedding, so I am asking everyone how much they paid, who they know, etc etc.
Anyway, one parent told me she and her husband paid for their daughter’s wedding. I think it was around 7K. But then she said she got 2K of that back from her daughter. Because the bride and groom gave all money they got at the wedding shower/wedding to her parents.
Do you you think that is fair??
(I don’t know if the parent told them to or if the daughter just did as a thank you to her parents)
Post # 3
I personally disagree with it. It’s traditional for the parents to pay, my parents will be paying, but money gifts are not reimbursement to cover the cost of the wedding from the guests, so money gifts should not automatically go to whomever paid for the wedding. Cash gifts are to help the bride and groom on their new life together. Therefore I don’t think the money gifts should go to the parents even if they pay.
Post # 4
I think it’s fair if it’s agreed upon by everyone involved.
Post # 5
@ladydirtold: If the couple decides that is how they want to spend the money then I don’t see any problem with it. Personally, we are going to be paying for our wedding ourselves so we won’t run into this issue.
Post # 6
I know in a few cultures it is customary to do so. Not in the USA (I can not speak for other places). Most brides and grooms pay for their own weddings now-a-days. If parents wish to pay for their childrens weddings, well that is lovely but it is usually considered a gift to their children. Most guests would be very perturbed if they thought their cash gifts were being used to pay for the wedding. Now if an agreement is made between the bride and groom and the parents, then I guess that would be OK, but I have never heard of that being done.
Post # 7
As a guest, I wouldn’t be comfortable if the gift I gave to the bride and groom went back to the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding. Guests give gifts because they want to contribute to the bride and groom’s future and give them something that will help them start their life, not to pay for the event.
My parents are paying for my wedding because it is something they want to give to me and my FI. It’s their way of showing their support and happiness. They do not expect any money back.
Post # 8
My first thought was “That’s terrible!”, but if it’s a cultural thing, then that’s different! Or if the children thought that would be a nice thank-you. Then that’s fine!
But if they planned it, paid for it, then INSISTED on getting the presents as pay back, that seems terrible to me!
Post # 9
as a 4 time MOB I think that sounds terrible. It is a parents choice whether or not they pay for a wedding. Gifts are given by the guests with the intent they are to be kept by the couple. I wojld not be happy.to.find my gift had been given to the parents instead!
Post # 10
I come from a cultural background in which it is a custom to give all the money to the parents (Middle Eastern/South Asian), so I don’t think it’s terrible. I actually think the opposite and think it’s terrible for the bridge/groom to keep it all for themselves – but then again, this is a cultural difference (even though I was born and raised in the USA).
Post # 11
@ladydirtold: I would say if the parents don’t really have a ton of money and stretched their own budget to pay for this wedding AND they had a talk with their child and soon-to-be spouse of said child where it was agreed before the wedding that some of the money would be paid back with monetary gifts. I do not think the parents should/could force the newlyweds to give up their wedding presents. The presents were meant to help the newlyweds start their new life together.
Post # 12
Well really the question should be, do you want to give your daughter the money for her wedding or do you want to loan it to her?
Post # 13
If my parents were stretched that much to begin with I would turn down their money (and I actually did do this with my mom). I guess if something emergent came up and they could float the cash with the expectation of everyone to pay it back it would be ok, but other wise no the gifts are meant to be for the bride and groom.
Post # 14
@Horseradish: It’s not me 🙁 geesh
We are paying for most of our daughter’s wedding (they are going to try to help). I don’t think I would ever ask her to give me a gift that was meant for her.
Post # 15
@ladydirtold: Call me old fashioned, but this is why I’m not a big fan of cash gifts. I think it’s awesome when guests buy couples things for their home, and they use them for a long time.
If we get cash gifts, we will inevitably use that money to replinish savings after the wedding. It is nice to have extra money, but I always think of the person who bought something for me when I use it, which you can’t recreate with cash.
I think it’s really bizarre for parents to have their children give their wedding gifts to them. That system really seems close to having guests pay for their own plates. As my mom says, “if we’re all just going to give each other gift cards and cash, why don’t we just keep our money and buy what we want?”
Post # 16
I think that one of two things should happen:
1. The parents loan the couple money to be used however they want (on the wedding, or not)and the couple pays it back based on the terms that were decided (lump sum, monthly payments, etc)
2. The parents offer to pay for part of the wedding as a gift to the couple. They are not paid back.
I don’t think the parents can offer to pay for part of the wedding (and therefore, get a say in what is purchased, how much is spent, who is invited etc) and then demand to be reimbursed.