(Closed) Bride Assumed I Would Be A Bridesmaid

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@LittleAngel:  That is a tough situation, but I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her. Tell her that you are honoured she wants you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but she would have hoped she would have asked you because you don’t know if you can fulfill that role. Let her know that you really don’t have the finances to participate in a wedding right now (I see she wants you to buy the dress, but what about hair, makeup, shoes, accessories? Will you need to buy those as well?). If she offers to pay for you, tell her you would love to be part of the wedding, but you aren’t able to wear a strapless dress. (I TOTALLY GET THAT!!). Maybe altering it to add “invisible” straps like bra straps, or one strap across a shoulder would be enough to hold it up and still appease her.

Post # 4
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Don’t make this an etiquette issue. Do not say anything to her about how she should have asked you first (which she should have, but it’s not a big deal). Just tell her that you simply cannot afford any extra expenses right now. Stress how honored you are that she wants you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Tell her you would love to participate in her wedding, but simply do not have the means to do so. Do not, at any point, appologize; just tell her you wish you had the funds but you don’t.

Frankly I find it much more rude for women to expect their BMs and Maid/Matron of Honor to pay for their own dresses, etc., than to assume they will be in the wedding. Maybe your friend will offer to pay (as she should), maybe that’s not an option for her (in which case she should be even more understanding of your situation). 

Either way I am shocked that so many brides think it is ok to ask other people go buy dresses they select, for their wedding. When did this become acceptable?! The bride should always pay, or else let people choose what they want.

As for the strapless dress, would glue/tape work? I know it won’t be comfortable, but maybe you can stick the thing to you! Assuming she offers to pay, that is. Until then don’t worry about the dress.

Post # 5
Member
13081 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry you have to go through this – it should be an exciting day for both of you!  Have you privately pulled her aside and told her that financially, that dress just doesn’t work for you?  Maybe she’d offer to cover the dress for you, or at least a portion of it, so you aren’t in the hook for the whole thing. 

As for the dress, I’d talk to the store at the time of ordering (with the bride there, of course), and ask what can be done to hold it up.  The tape idea above is a good one, as are the invisible straps.  Maybe the bride wouldn’t be opposed to making spaghetti straps for the dress, either (my sister did that with my dress when I was her Maid/Matron of Honor because I didn’t like the strapless and it made me uncomfortable).

Post # 6
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Is this more about the dress or her not asking you? Have you just been going along with it when she mentions bridesmaid stuff or was the dress your first clue about being in the wedding? Since you say the dress cuts off circulation, I’m assuming you have tried it on already, did you have any convos with her then? I would just be straight up and tell her that you feel honoured to be included, however your budget on a dress was not considered and you cannot go over. 

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