(Closed) Bride changing me from MOH to BM :(

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

While it’s weird that she’s still “deciding” where to place you (who does that, it’s not a job) maybe she’s just going with this other girl because she’s more available to talk wedding stuff and help out? It’s pretty rude that she asked you and is now backing out of the decision but don’t let something silly like where you are placed in the bridal party ruin what was once a great friendship. Talk to her, and finish the conversation without walking away. Express that you don’t want to grow apart. And don’t make it about the Maid/Matron of Honor issue, make the conversation about how you wish to remain good friends and you’d still like to help with her wedding. Then that’s all you can do really. She’s an adult, she’s going to choose her own friends and sad though it may be, if there is someone else she gravitates to more these days, there isn’t much you can do about that.

Post # 4
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry. That really sucks. 🙁 That’s not only rude but mean of her to ask you to be Maid/Matron of Honor, then change her mind on a whim. It would be different if she hadn’t asked you yet. You might want to tell her how you’re feeling.

Post # 5
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I too find that extremely rude. If I was in your shoes I would exclude myself completely from the bridal party. I would feel as if I’m not important to my friend anymore… You can’t change someone’s “position” in your wedding party just like that after the person has accepted and is HONORED to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Especially since you’ve known her the longest!

Post # 6
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

How long have you known her?

Post # 8
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Wow. I mean…she ASKED, you ACCEPTED. Have you mentioned to her that she did this already? I mean..wow, rude and inconsiderate.

Post # 9
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would say, then she  really isn’t as best of a friend as you thought she was. Send her a message and ask if you can meet up for coffee.  Ask her how are things going with the wedding. Give her a chance to explain it all. If she does say to you I still can’t decide, tell her that she already asked you. Let her speak some more and then if she still goes on about how she can’t decide, tell her that the fact she can’t decide is disappointing and maybe it’s best that you don’t go to the wedding at all. 

I wouldn’t.

 

BUT saying all this, I did remove a friend from my bridemaid list because she wasn’t interested. She was more concerned about going out with her friends than getting her bridemaid dress made. She did not make much of an effort.

Has she asked you to participate with the planning, but you have said no a few times?? This might make her second guess her decision.

Post # 11
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Your friend sounds really fickle. That would really upset me to, especially since nothing has changed in your friendship except the fact that another bridesmaid has a more free schedule than you. The whole ‘deciding” thing is equally lame. She should have made up her mind first before saying anything because at this point even if she kept you as Maid/Matron of Honor It still ruins the excitment and “honor” of it for you. Sorry you have to deal with that, hope it works out!

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m so sorry, that is awful. If it were me, I’d tell my friend that it’s really not fair for her to change her mind after asking you, and that you haven’t done anything wrong so it’s really hurtful she might ask you to step down, especially for someone she hasn’t even been friends with for very long.

Post # 13
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I know relationships with friends are really tricky, and I’ve read tons of posts on here about how going through the planning stages of a wedding can change those friendships.  it doesn’t sound like you’ve “done anything” to make her change her mind about you.  But I’m going to take the other angle here, just for the sake of another perspective.  If you were in her situation, and you made a new friend that you really clicked with and got along with, and thought to yourself “I wish I hadn’t asked someone else to by Maid/Matron of Honor yet”, do you think you should be looked down on for feeling that way?  Friendships change, new people come into your life, and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with or bad about the existing friends that you have.  Personally, I don’t think it’s really outrageous for your friend to want a different person, or a different order.  The part that is sort of lame is that she already asked you, but you can’t really get mad at someone for changing their preferences – that’s just part of life.  I had a related situation when my best friend got married last year.  When she got engaged, she immediately asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, I of course accepted.  We lived in different parts of the country, I still participated in the planning as much as I could by phone or when I was home visiting, and I didn’t “do anything” wrong or bad to make her want to change her mind.  But slowly we began to talk less frequently (at the time I attributed it to a lag in our friendship, and perhaps to her having other “best friends”, but it really turned out that she was just occuppied with her fiance) and I took it upon myself to ask her if she preferred to have someone else in her wedding.  I did it without any anger or frustration, I just told her simply that it was her day, and the purpose of a wedding party is to have people stand next to you who are significant in your life at the time, and if things had changed for her, it was her right to change the people in the wedding party.  Although I wasn’t happy that we had grown a part, it wouldn’t make me feel any better to think that she stuck with me due to the fact that she ahd already asked me, as opposed to actually wanting me.  

But the way that you feel isn’t wrong – everyone has different perspectives about their friendships.  That being said, I do think it’s a little selfish if your reaction to her changing the order is to drop out of the wedding party or not attend the wedding.  We all want to be number one, but the fact that you’re not isn’t an insult.  Instead of thinking to yourself “she’s throwing away our friendship over this other new best friend”, you might think to yourself “I’m throwing away our friendship because on HER day I want to be number one instead of number three”.  I hope this doesn’t sound harsh or catty, I just thought I’d offer a dfiferent viewpoint.  

Post # 14
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow… very rude! Do what you think is best…. no one can blame you if you back out entirely. 

Post # 15
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Wow. Just, wow. Honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that she doesn’t need to do anymore “deciding” since I have already decided to step down. Not saying that is the best plan for YOU, but that is what I would do in that situation. 

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I think you should definitely have a talk with her and let her know how you feel. If you want to salvage the friendship you definitely need to get your feelings off your chest.

Post # 16
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Aw, sweetie, I’m sorry to hear this. I really think it’s foolish and hurtful of your friend to have done this to you. I keep thinking to myself that it’s odd and sad that she’d choose to hurt a longtime close friend for the sake of a very recent friendship. Even if she and this other girl had been friends for just as long as the two of you had, why would she bestow the honor on you and then take it away? That seems more than just a little bit mean.

In the end, the decision is your friend’s to make. Unfortunately, all you can control is how you react to it. As difficult as it would be for me if I were in your place, if your friend chooses to make the new girl her maid of honor, I would try to still just be a good bridesmaid. I guess what I’m getting at is, just because your friend treated you poorly does not mean you have to react in kind. I’m not saying that I would take on any Maid/Matron of Honor duties – I would just try to fulfill the normal bridesmaid role. Take the higher ground, I guess. At least then you can feel good about how you treat your friends, all the while assessing whether or not she is really a good friend to you. If not, I’d probably back off on trying to keep up the friendship.

The topic ‘Bride changing me from MOH to BM :(’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors