Post # 1
Here’s the deal, My best for a few years now is getting married and is organising her wedding. A few months ago she asked me if I would be her Maid/Matron of Honor. Honoured and excited I said yes! As weeks and months went by we would always be discussing her wedding and planning the little things. Whilst all this has been happening, another friend of hers who she’d only become friends with over the past few months has come into the picture. As I have been busy with Uni (and so has she as we are together) and Christmas in the last month, they have grown from friends to best friends. As they live close by (1 minute away as oppose to 10minutes away from me) they are able to do everything and anything together. The new friend is free to do whatever she likes whenever she likes. I have met her on multiple occassions and always found her to be a loving and genuine girl. As this new friendship has developed, I have been thrown on the sidelines with limited communication between my best friend (bride to be). I understand as she has been very busy but I am also very busy but still manage to find enough time during the week to send a text message asking how she is doing.
The other day, we continued talking about the wedding as we rightfully do so at such an important time in a friends life. She then told me “I am torn between you and *other friend* as MOH!” Shocked and upset, I decided to end the conversation and go home. Not feeling too well, I began weighing up the outcome to every possible option.
As she is still “making up her mind”, She may decide to place me as Maid/Matron of Honor or her new best friend. As her partner wants his sister to be after the Maid/Matron of Honor, it leaves me as the 3rd bridesmaid out of 4. Going from 1st to 3rd is a bitter feeling and there is no doubt that anyone would be hurt if they were in my shoes.
As I am deeply hurt, I am left confused if I should continue to remain in the bridal party for a best friend who could treat me like that. Again, I understand her point of view and that she may like her new best friend as her Maid/Matron of Honor instead of what I could be (her old best friend). I cannot help but feel that if I were in the bridal party that the bitterness would come back and I will be looking at the Maid/Matron of Honor thinking that it was once me.
If anyone has any thoughts or comments please reply below.
Thankyou and I hope that you could help me 🙂 x.
Post # 3
While it’s weird that she’s still “deciding” where to place you (who does that, it’s not a job) maybe she’s just going with this other girl because she’s more available to talk wedding stuff and help out? It’s pretty rude that she asked you and is now backing out of the decision but don’t let something silly like where you are placed in the bridal party ruin what was once a great friendship. Talk to her, and finish the conversation without walking away. Express that you don’t want to grow apart. And don’t make it about the Maid/Matron of Honor issue, make the conversation about how you wish to remain good friends and you’d still like to help with her wedding. Then that’s all you can do really. She’s an adult, she’s going to choose her own friends and sad though it may be, if there is someone else she gravitates to more these days, there isn’t much you can do about that.
Post # 4
I’m sorry. That really sucks. 🙁 That’s not only rude but mean of her to ask you to be Maid/Matron of Honor, then change her mind on a whim. It would be different if she hadn’t asked you yet. You might want to tell her how you’re feeling.
Post # 5
I too find that extremely rude. If I was in your shoes I would exclude myself completely from the bridal party. I would feel as if I’m not important to my friend anymore… You can’t change someone’s “position” in your wedding party just like that after the person has accepted and is HONORED to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Especially since you’ve known her the longest!
Post # 6
How long have you known her?
Post # 8
Wow. I mean…she ASKED, you ACCEPTED. Have you mentioned to her that she did this already? I mean..wow, rude and inconsiderate.
Post # 9
I would say, then she really isn’t as best of a friend as you thought she was. Send her a message and ask if you can meet up for coffee. Ask her how are things going with the wedding. Give her a chance to explain it all. If she does say to you I still can’t decide, tell her that she already asked you. Let her speak some more and then if she still goes on about how she can’t decide, tell her that the fact she can’t decide is disappointing and maybe it’s best that you don’t go to the wedding at all.
BUT saying all this, I did remove a friend from my bridemaid list because she wasn’t interested. She was more concerned about going out with her friends than getting her bridemaid dress made. She did not make much of an effort.
Has she asked you to participate with the planning, but you have said no a few times?? This might make her second guess her decision.
Post # 10
Thankyou all for the feedback. I really appreciate it!
No, she hasn’t asked me for anything, I mean, there isn’t really much to ask for at this stage as it is really early and no REAL plans have been made. She’s even put wedding plans on hold because she is busy with family and this festive season. Although, she does spend more time with this new best friend, as she invites her to day spa’s and even on a holiday (which I got no invitation for)! I was really upset and it was when she returned from the holiday she expressed her “undecided mood” to me. I insist on going out and spending more time with each other but she never gets back to me. She will tell me she’s been really busy but then tells me that she was out with this new best friend.
It’s gotten to a point now where I am so sick of it! We haven’t done anything to each other like had a fight or anything, she’s just decided to spend more time with her whilst leaving me out…
Again, I understand how hard her decision is but I am not going to make it any easier for her to decide (Cruel I know, but if she makes that decision, she can confront me about it the way she asked me to be her MOH). If she decides to replace me as Maid/Matron of Honor then so be it, but I am not going to fight for a friend who treats me so badly and uses me as a friend when she needs one. Although I have this decided, I am still unsure on what I would exactly do if she drops me down to 3rd Bridesmaid or Best Man.
We’re just gonna have to play the waiting game I guess…
Thanks again x
Post # 11
Your friend sounds really fickle. That would really upset me to, especially since nothing has changed in your friendship except the fact that another bridesmaid has a more free schedule than you. The whole ‘deciding” thing is equally lame. She should have made up her mind first before saying anything because at this point even if she kept you as Maid/Matron of Honor It still ruins the excitment and “honor” of it for you. Sorry you have to deal with that, hope it works out!
Post # 12
I’m so sorry, that is awful. If it were me, I’d tell my friend that it’s really not fair for her to change her mind after asking you, and that you haven’t done anything wrong so it’s really hurtful she might ask you to step down, especially for someone she hasn’t even been friends with for very long.
Post # 13
I know relationships with friends are really tricky, and I’ve read tons of posts on here about how going through the planning stages of a wedding can change those friendships. it doesn’t sound like you’ve “done anything” to make her change her mind about you. But I’m going to take the other angle here, just for the sake of another perspective. If you were in her situation, and you made a new friend that you really clicked with and got along with, and thought to yourself “I wish I hadn’t asked someone else to by Maid/Matron of Honor yet”, do you think you should be looked down on for feeling that way? Friendships change, new people come into your life, and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with or bad about the existing friends that you have. Personally, I don’t think it’s really outrageous for your friend to want a different person, or a different order. The part that is sort of lame is that she already asked you, but you can’t really get mad at someone for changing their preferences – that’s just part of life. I had a related situation when my best friend got married last year. When she got engaged, she immediately asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, I of course accepted. We lived in different parts of the country, I still participated in the planning as much as I could by phone or when I was home visiting, and I didn’t “do anything” wrong or bad to make her want to change her mind. But slowly we began to talk less frequently (at the time I attributed it to a lag in our friendship, and perhaps to her having other “best friends”, but it really turned out that she was just occuppied with her fiance) and I took it upon myself to ask her if she preferred to have someone else in her wedding. I did it without any anger or frustration, I just told her simply that it was her day, and the purpose of a wedding party is to have people stand next to you who are significant in your life at the time, and if things had changed for her, it was her right to change the people in the wedding party. Although I wasn’t happy that we had grown a part, it wouldn’t make me feel any better to think that she stuck with me due to the fact that she ahd already asked me, as opposed to actually wanting me.
But the way that you feel isn’t wrong – everyone has different perspectives about their friendships. That being said, I do think it’s a little selfish if your reaction to her changing the order is to drop out of the wedding party or not attend the wedding. We all want to be number one, but the fact that you’re not isn’t an insult. Instead of thinking to yourself “she’s throwing away our friendship over this other new best friend”, you might think to yourself “I’m throwing away our friendship because on HER day I want to be number one instead of number three”. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh or catty, I just thought I’d offer a dfiferent viewpoint.
Post # 14
Wow… very rude! Do what you think is best…. no one can blame you if you back out entirely.
Post # 15
Wow. Just, wow. Honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that she doesn’t need to do anymore “deciding” since I have already decided to step down. Not saying that is the best plan for YOU, but that is what I would do in that situation.
I’m really sorry you are going through this. I think you should definitely have a talk with her and let her know how you feel. If you want to salvage the friendship you definitely need to get your feelings off your chest.
Post # 16
Aw, sweetie, I’m sorry to hear this. I really think it’s foolish and hurtful of your friend to have done this to you. I keep thinking to myself that it’s odd and sad that she’d choose to hurt a longtime close friend for the sake of a very recent friendship. Even if she and this other girl had been friends for just as long as the two of you had, why would she bestow the honor on you and then take it away? That seems more than just a little bit mean.
In the end, the decision is your friend’s to make. Unfortunately, all you can control is how you react to it. As difficult as it would be for me if I were in your place, if your friend chooses to make the new girl her maid of honor, I would try to still just be a good bridesmaid. I guess what I’m getting at is, just because your friend treated you poorly does not mean you have to react in kind. I’m not saying that I would take on any Maid/Matron of Honor duties – I would just try to fulfill the normal bridesmaid role. Take the higher ground, I guess. At least then you can feel good about how you treat your friends, all the while assessing whether or not she is really a good friend to you. If not, I’d probably back off on trying to keep up the friendship.