Post # 1
Is that bad? Am I alone in this? I’ve searched the web and I don’t see anyone else posting about having to pay for the entire wedding themselves without help from the groom or either family.
I’m well established in my career and can swing the $12,000-$15,000 our wedding will cost, but it bugs me. My fiance makes considerably less than I do (less than a third my income). He was laid off last year from a good job and had to go for a job that paid much less. He also has over $100K in student loans (dumb dumb dumb, and it didn’t give him a degree that could get him a higher paying job that would make it worth it). So he has high student loan payments and crap income coming in.
I’m recently debt free (made my last payment on $25K in student loans a couple months ago). So I’m in a much better place. I’ve also been paying 100% of our house rent, cable, groceries, and all our needs. I’m the one who insisted on this so he can get rid of his debt and funnel as much money as he can towards it.
I won’t have any assistance in paying for the wedding from anyone else. My dad can’t help (he’s broke). And my fiance’s parents have only offered to help pay for additional guests – which doesn’t help my costs at all, I’m still spending the $12,000-$15,000. Not to mention, I’m not willing to expand our guest list. I want a small wedding – 50 guests max.
There’s not a whole lot that can be done about our situation… but I can’t help but feel upset that this is all on my shoulders. My fiance wants this wedding more than I do; I would have been happy getting married at the courthouse! But when it came to it, I couldn’t do that without feeling incredibly selfish and guilty – our families are so excited and happy for us and want to celebrate the day with us.
My heart wishes that this could be more of a joint effort between me and my fiance.
I’m sorry if this was long and whiny sounding. I just wanted to know if there are any other brides out there that have to pay for a wedding all by themselves. I’m starting to feel the pain of paying for a wedding since I just put down the deposits for the venue and photographer – $2000 total. And I’ve been saving $200/week for the wedding.
ETA: Please read my follow up posts before responding
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
Since you two are coming together in a marriage, try to think of your money as YOUR money….. not that you both have your own incomes. Try to think of it as “we make 130,000 a year” not “I make 100K and he makes 30K”.
Also, if you’re unwilling to think of it as “our money” instead of just your money…. why not tell him to cut back his debt re-payment and chip in a little for the wedding? Or, get a 2nd job to contibute solely to the wedding?
Post # 4
You’re getting married. Your incomes will be combined. Any money you spend now in effect becomes joint money anyway, so really you are both paying for the wedding.
Post # 5
I am in the same boat, but I don’t really mind. My Fiance makes very little money in comparison to me, and while I know he has some savings we could use, I’d rather use that later for something like a down payment. In my eyes its really “our” money so its less of a “I am paying for the wedding” and more of a “we are paying for the wedding.”
But I admit sometimes it sucks to be the one making all the money and I occaisionally have to remind myself its a partnership not all about me. Just think, we get to understand what it was like for most men back in the day who were responsible for bringing home the bacon. 🙂
Post # 6
Thanks for all your replies. You’re all right, in just over a year my money will be our money… but paying for the wedding alone still stresses me out to think about because I’m the only person having to worry about making sure I’m setting enough aside for a wedding. He doesn’t have to worry about anything and gets to sit back and enjoy thinking about the wedding – he is very excited. And I guess I just feel jealous that I don’t get to feel like that. I’m more stressed at the moment than excited. I’ve got much more on my mind than him.
His family is making suggestions for the wedding that mean more money out of my pocket and they know I have to pay for everything and that their son is unable to contribute, yet they haven’t offered to pay for anything other than the additional cost of inviting their family friends.
He can’t take another job. We live far from his current job. He has a long commute and long hours. So there is no time. On his loans, he’s paying the minimum payments – which is still quite a bit since his total debt is so high. So he can’t cut back on those.
I understand he can’t help and I have accepted that nothing can be done about it. But it does stress me out knowing the burden is solely mine. And when his family offers suggestions for the wedding and I have to say no to them also stresses me out.
Post # 7
Nope, not quite in the same boat but it seems to me that you are not happy at the way things are right now. You insisted on paying for the wedding 100% (pat pat*) so that he can funnel his income into paying off his loan yet on the other hand, wishes he could help out financially.
I’m with you when you mentioned that you want a small wedding of 50 guests max. With a smaller wedding, you could use a smaller budget and a wee bit less stress. You are the one paying for the entire wedding so if I were you, I would be firm as to say, it’s either a small, intimate wedding or the courthouse! (In a nice way of course! :p) On FI’s family suggestions, I think you could say, you love them but unfortunately, you do not have budget for that and if they insist on having them, they could pay for it.
I’ll say, don’t count on your FI’s parents to pay for additional cost. If they do have some cash to spare, I’ll say, use that to help pay off FI’s loan asap. The last thing you want is to start off your married life in debts. Meanwhile, do help Fiance to look out for better paying jobs. Fiance may not be able to help you out on the financial level but I’m sure he could help you out in other areas of the wedding planning? Same for both your parents too! I’m very sure you could use their big help in many areas of the wedding planning- you could delegate some tasks to them.
So don’t fret anymore. If this is what you’ve choosed to do and this is the man you wish to marry, do it happily! All the best! 🙂
Post # 8
I’m paying for our wedding. I have the discretionary income to do so. I’m planning the wedding I want, with input from Fiance. I don’t solicit or consider requests or opinions from anyone other than Fiance. My money, my wedding, my plan.
Spend what you can afford on what you want to spend the money on. It’s your money. And feel free to judiciously use the phrase “I’m paying for this wedding BY MYSELF” when faced with criticism or opinions. Shrug.
Post # 9
I do understand that it must feel like a great burden, and very unfair.
On the other side, browse the Bee for just a few minutes to find all the brides struggling with nosy and interfering family and future in-laws, who have to accommodate all these people because they’re contributing to the wedding. You have to accommodate NO ONE. No one ordering things without checking with you to see what you want, no one forcing you to use certain vendors or invite certain people. No one overriding your decisions because they’re paying and you have to do what they want.
Since your in-laws want to contribute for extra guests, they do have a little something to contribute financially, so you could have them do the traditional thing which is that the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. This would mean, of course, that you hand over all control of the rehearsal dinner to them, and lose any final say in where/what it is.
Everything has an upside and a downside.
Post # 10
It’s always hard when one partner can’t contribute much financially. Fiance and I are in a very similar situation. I’m paying for the rent, utilities, groceries and trying to save for our wedding while his paycheck really only covers his phone, car insurance and a medical bill from an overnight ER visit. Thankfully that will be paid off in a few months and if nothing else goes wrong that money can go toward the wedding.
It stinks, plain and simple. And sometimes very hard not to be stressed or slightly resentful despite knowing that nothing can be done about it which then makes you feel guilty for being the slightest bit bitter about it. I know I battle those feelings almost everyday. Luckily, my folks are going to help us with the wedding but don’t know how much yet. Makes trying to get logistics figured out very trying. Especially when my mom and Fiance keep saying it’ll work itself out.
Post # 11
@maganda: We got no help from anyone, and I handled the entire budget while paying down fiance’s debts and paying the same bills + mortgage + groceries as you. But we didn’t talk about it. We just did it because that’s what needed to be done.
I’m the one who handles the finances. I didn’t resent hubs being excited and carefree because I’m the one who wanted to take care of the finances because I budget better than he does. You can’t have it both ways—either he has to handle the money on his own with the two you deciding things together, or you make the plans and execute and leave it alone. It’s up to you what works. And if you have things on your mind, you need to be vocal about them to your soon to be spouse. You can still vent about money to your spouse, but you can’t be angry that he is not contributing because at the end of the day he really is. The two of you together make $130k. It doesn’t matter which check it’s coming from, but one part of your pie is going to debt so you don’t have to share it later, another is going to your wedding, etc. You can’t say that his check is paying for only his debt because it’s all coming out of the same pool. And the sooner you think of that way, the sooner you will be willing to just put your income to his debt and get it paid and over with. Is there a possibility that you are more upset that your money is going to his debt rather than the wedding you want?
And bottom line, if you are paying for it and you can’t please everyone, then that’s all there is to it. Cut where you can and honor their requests if they don’t make that much of a difference.
**EDIT**BTW, my hubs and I have “budget” meetings. hahaha You might be upset that you don’t feel like you have support, and you just need to involve your FH more. Basically I pay the bills and do the budget once or twice a month, and I call things out to him while he is working or reading online. I say “we need more here” or “do you think you can do this”. I also make sure he is always the one to mail the bills and deposit checks. I also give him all the coupons when we go to the grocery store. He sells things online when he is done with them and puts that in our account too. It sounds silly, but this way he knows our financial situation and has a hand in it. That’s how I got hubs involved. We have a calendar too that we share with bill due dates, amounts, etc. And we have a Life.doc binder where we talked over benefits and life insurance.
It didn’t take long for things to improve for us with careful planning. <3 And now hubs has a better paying job, and we are closer to equal incomes.
Post # 12
I hate to be That Girl Who Says This Thing buuuut….
It costs $50ish to get married. It doesn’t have to cost thousands of dollars. That is a choice we make. I think you should reconsider having an event that is making you feel borderline resentful or have negative feelings toward your fiance because of it. That’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you.
Post # 13
I’m with those that are viewing the money you spend as our money. If you don’t shift your throughts in this stage you’ll always end up resentful that more of your money is going into his X or Y… it never ends.
If we get married our way that means saying no to parental money. Which will put the wedding costs mostly onto me because our situation is similar. I bought my own ering – does he love me less? no… I just got a ring I LOVE rather than one he could afford (which at this point would be very little). It might be a bit off setting because you didn’t want the wedding and he does…. and in that case it may make you feel better emotionally (not logicially) to scale back debt repayment so he can contribute a bit to the wedding.
Post # 14
What @KristenGettingMarried said.
If the money is a big deal and its upsetting you, the solution is simple: don’t spend it.
Unless he is demanding x, y, z and expecting you to pay for it, thats a different story.
Post # 15
@KristenGotMarried: OP mentioned that her Fiance wants the wedding more than she does. If he’s anything like my Fiance, a quick courthouse ceremony may not be what he wants.
Post # 16
Hah…when his family makes comments or suggestions about what they think should happen for the wedding, I would just smile and totally ignore them. When they contribute to the wedding, then they get a say. Otherwise, the decisions are up to you!