(Closed) Bride paying for EVERYTHING herself

posted 9 years ago in Money
Post # 32
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@maganda:  I too am paying majority of my wedding, but I don’t mind. I just want you to think about this, if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed about making more money and carrying the majority of the financial responsobility of the household, he may be experiencing feelings of insignificance due to the fact that he CAN’T provide or help. He just may not be verbal with it. I say talk to him, get your stressful feelings out and you’ll probably feel better. I was a ball of nerves with wedding, school, work, but once I had a talk with Fiance he helped to ease my stress AND is taking a more active role in the planning, including cutting back on his frivolous spending and adding more to the wedding fund. 

Post # 33
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I will also say that even if you have the cash to pay for it, I found it can still be stressful spending this much money and keeping to pay for it!

Post # 35
Member
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m really sorry. You have my sympathy. But aside from this vent (which we all need to do sometimes) I have to say that I’m super impressed with how you are handling things – both from a financial perspective (having him pay down student loans first) as well as a relationship perspective (being respectful of his wishes and helping him out in order to better your future together). I can imagine that it must be really frustrating.

I totally agree that you should think of it as YOUR (combined) money, which it sounds like you are trying to do. Maybe start involving your Fiance more in the finances and financial decision making. That might help ease some of your frustration, and it would also help you have a combined stance against his parents when they want you to do things that cost more. 

Post # 36
Member
12301 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I didnt really pay for the wedding by myself – by that point we already saw our money as joint and just paid for stuff, and my parents paid for the reception…. but I did pay the entire down payment on our house out of my account that I saved up before I met him.  That was a bit tough to swallow, but like I said, we were getting married, it was our money and for our furture at that point.

Post # 37
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

In the same boat! My story is a little worse but I’ve come to terms with it. My Fiance simply can’t afford to contribute to the wedding.  We moved it locally from destination because his parents wouldn’t close their business AFTER they told us to go ahead with our Destination Wedding plans.  You would think since we accommodated them they would help us out.  NOPE nothing but grief ever since.  I’m still out $1100 that they said they would reimburse me from the deposits we put down on the Destination Wedding. Can’t make these people happy. BUT since I am paying for everything that means his parents do not get a guest list, there will be no extras for them like flowers or anything else.  They are getting treated as regular guests.

I stress out as well when I send large deposit checks out.  I had the worst week last month when I did that to the point where I was so overwhelmed that one morning I walked into my office building and hid in the bathroom crying for about 15 minutes.

I still seek FI’s input and he has some really good opinions and he’s been helpful when I ask his opinion or advice on things. He will willingly go to Hobby Lobby or Michaels with me without a complaint or a sigh. I know he will help with the DIY stuff when the time comes.

I also rationalize that he spent a pretty penny on my e-ring so if I pay for the wedding then we’re kind of even.  He still has to get my band which will also be $. I would rather have my pretty sparkly rings than have him contribute to the wedding, LOL.

He finally sees his parents for who they really are, the blinders are off! So for me it has been worth it to be the bigger person and watch them self destruct. His mother has done a bang-up job of ruining her relationship with him and I didn’t have to say or do anything. Just sit back and watch.

Something else that I think about….I’m older than he is so I’ll retire first.  One day the tables will be turned and he will have to take care of everything.

You’re not alone!!!  It will get better!

Post # 38
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You don’t have to have a courthouse wedding but you could just have a more cost effective wedding than $12K for 50 people. Especially since you would be happy with a courthouse wedding- you could definately cut costs and still have a wedding to satisfy your Fiance.

Post # 39
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My Fiance is pretty much paying for all of the wedding herself.  Every month, I put what would be my half of the bills into our savings account. We will use that money to pay for the wedding. She makes enough to cover all of the bills, so my portion becomes savings, while in a way it’s our money it really feels like it’s hers since that is supposed to be my portion of the living expenses.  I’ll be able to contribute some of my own money, but after I pay all my bills and her I hardly have any money left.  Neither of our parents are helping out since they don’t approve of our marriage. I personally would be happy with a super small quick ceremony, but she deserves to have the wedding she wants and it’s her money. 

Post # 40
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@maganda:  I am in that sort of situation.  My bf is graduating this Sunday (thank God) and I have been graduated and in my above-average paying job for 6 months now. After he buys the ring I am looking at – which is definitely above average for girls my age, 23, he will be spending most of his income each month on the ring.  

This leaves me to pay for our wedding with “my” money.  However, in the long-run, as the others were saying, it IS “our” money.  Which means it is my decision that I want a larger ring and sacrifice that money for other things.

With that being said, I am in the process of convincing him to have a wedding in either Mexico or Florida.  I REALLY want a beach wedding in Mexico.  This way we can invite a select few family and friends (less than 50), and we will pay mostly just the cost of a honeymoon anyways (if we get married in Mexico) along with a dinner and cake and some drinks.  

It’s hard, but I know we will make it work.  Family may help a bit, but in no way will they fund even a 1/5 of the wedding.  They would if they could, but they are not able to.

Overall, good luck! And just think…YOU are one of the few independent girls that can pay for EVERYTHING on HER own.  At the end of the day it should be something you can be pleased about, even though it may seem (and perhaps, is) unfair.  

Post # 41
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Basically, it sucks when you have a couple with two very different incomes. It will always make life a huge challenge as far as managing expectations goes. If I could share the perspective of the lower income partner… the guilt and feelings of uselessness which accompany having a significantly lower income are a challenge in themselves. I’m sure your poor Fiance is not happy about the situation either. It’s a tough situation which works both ways…

But, like the others say, at least other people have no say in your wedding if you are paying for it all…

Post # 42
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m paying for the wedding 100% by myself. I have a bit more saved up than Fiance, we won’t be able to afford this wedding if not for my savings. And I did suggest eloping to Hawaii to Fiance but he said he  “never pictured his wedding” that way. So now we’re having this wedding that’s going to cost me $60,000 when its all done. No help from either side of our families at all. The nice thing is that noone gets any input except for me into the wedding because I’m the one paying for it, I don’t have to hear nagging from moms both side of the family, and I get to do whatever ideas I want. So no worries..you’re not the only one in the same situation.

I treat my money like Fi’s and my money. But since its my hard earned savings..I plan to write something into our prenup that if this marriage is to dissolve I want half of my money back. At some point I may decide not to work for a period of time and Fiance will support me..so it evens out in the end. So it involves a frank discussion on how the couple will manage their finances. Good luck!

Post # 43
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@maganda:  Honestly, this worries me that the two of you may not be ready for marriage at all yet…especially since when you get married, his debt becomes your debt and vice versa, do you really want to chance that he can’t make his loan payments on time and they come after you for it? I guess it would be different if he made more and didn’t owe so much money…

Post # 45
Member
488 posts
Helper bee

I don’t get these people who are saying YOUR money is HIS money anyway, so DEAL with it! Sorry NOT true!!!!! It is YOUR MONEY, but since you are marrying, you have to allow for flexibility in changes of financial security with you both and have to see it as money you will use to pay for both you needs until the other half gets back on his/her feet.

You clearly LOVE this man, and he at least he is working and is not a lay about, so you are sticking with it and trying not to resent the situation. – You ARE allowed to feel this way!! don’t LET ANY ONE make you feel like you are bad person for doing so.

I make more money than my man, nearly 2x as much, I am 3 years older, I have saved for OUR future and am still saving for OUR future, he has not even started! Yes, it pisses me off, as he IS working and he has no debt, he feels spending stupid amounts on his 4×4 is more important than saving for our future, he somehow hangs on to the notion that 1 or 2 big commission deals will pay for his half of the wedding and be a good kick start for his savings plan, that does not go down with me……..If he saves just 1 % of his monthly income, that is a good start, and he can easily do that!

Sometimes I think women are more practical in these situations. Now I love my man, and therefore I will accept that this is a problem we need to work at, I understand he is younger than me and still working his way up the ladder, and perhaps I am a lil more accomplished career wise, the fact that he is ambitious makes me feel better, but he does need a reality check and a kick up the ass at times…This aint a game! We will start a family in 2 years, we are getting married in less than two years, he wants a house, etc – If he does not start saving NOW, he can forget all that! He needs to set his expectations lower, he wants a 3 bed house, another car, a live in maid if we have a baby, etc………….Well guess what, that costs money and he has 0 savings! – He promises me as of next month once our rent has gone out, he will start saving, he is also pushing for a pay rise at work (I actually saw proof of that) and I believe him, so that is fine by me. I don’t remind him all the time that I am the bread winner, as I don’t want him to feel like a looser or less of a man, but I do remind him that in order to achieve all he want to s achieve, own all he wants to women, he needs to earn more and SAVE and in order to earn more, he needs to stop being such a push over all work and allowing his boss to take advantage of him, which he does – He agrees, I think we will see changes soon, I hope we will!

By The Way – I think considering you man is contributing a BIG FAT 0 and neither is anyone else, and it is YOUR day too, you have every right to cut guest list and reduce costs, I am sorry but your Fiance has no right to EXPECT this and that if all the stress and burden is on your to cover costs, hell no, I would not accept that. Perhaps have an adult chat with him and explain how you feel, have you tried this?

Post # 46
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@maganda:  I make more than my Fiance. We are getting no help from my parents or his(my parents are poor and I would never expect them to give me money).  So I am paying for most of the wedding.  However he is helping out any way he can and contributes what he can towards wedding stuff.  We have been lucky cause no family has tried to tell us what to do in regards to wedding planning.  Our money, our day, our way is my motto. 

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