Post # 1
So to make a long story short- my father has always been unsupportive and even more than unsupportive he has been extremely hateful. When i first came out my first girlfriend was older than I was and I was 16 and she ended up going to jail….because of him, beyond jail he was so completely invasive putting tape recorders in my room, having an investigator follow her around and even after she was in jail had no emotion for me and made statements like ” Go marry that freak and have some puppies”. So that was over 8 years ago and we have made zero progress he continues to be hateful making comments like I will never be happy, I shouldnt be around children (Im a social worker)
I have tried to reach out several times expressing that I want a relationship, but even though he acknowledges that he should do more he continues to do exactly the opposite. Last year I went to my step sisters wedding who is also a lesbian and my father and her mother did not attend, they did not congratulate her act excited for her and during the father daughter dance she cried her eyes out, it was the most depressign thing in the world. She hoped until the very last minute that they would come, and they didnt.
So now I am engaged, and I right now feel that I am not giong to extand an invite to my father and his wife, because I feel like I am continously let down and every time I allow myself to hope that he will be the kind of supportive father I always end up hurting. I cried the first three weeks of my engagement because of him, and I just dont feel that I have it in me to deal with it, but to me after the wedding I dont plan to associate with him at all. Is this wrong of me? Should I invite him?
Any suggestions at all would be helpful.
Post # 2
I wouldn’t invite him. He hasn’t made any efforts to reach out to you, why should you invite him only to be let down? I think if you decide not to invite him early on, you’ll have your whole engagement to process that he won’t be there and you might be able to enjoy your day more without worrying about what kind of drama he may bring.
Post # 3
maryjoyce.tudor: it’s your wedding, invite who you’d like.
I wouldn’t want my special day possibly ruined by such poor behavior and comments but that’s just me. If you don’t want to feel guilty about it, invite him but be completely prepared for him not to show up or be supportive.
You can’t control his actions, only your own. Focus on your wedding, FI and enjoy those who are there to support you two and your love.
Post # 4
maryjoyce.tudor: You are certainly within your rights to not invite him. It will however give him one more thing to hold against you. If you take the high road and invite them, with no expectation that they would come, you will be the gracious daughter, and they wil have one less thing to complain about in regards to your wedding.
Some parents never will be able to accept that their child is not heterosexual. Through a combination of their upbringing, teaching, religion, experience etc. they just can’t get to that point. It is their loss but it is also very hurtful to their children. Unfortunately many of us don’t get that “Leave it to Beaver” type family, and we just have to play the cards we are dealt.
Whatever you choose to do, it wil be the right thing for you. I wish you all the best.
Post # 5
Me and my partner discussed this exact same thing at length very soon after our engagement. We both agreed that our wedding day was going to be about love, and support. Anyone who did not support or agree with the fact that as two women we should have every right of heterosexual couples was not going to be invited. We have numerous family members on both sides that are not invited to our wedding. My Unlce, who was like a father to me, is not invited because he does not agree with or support my upcoming marriage.
We had some people who told us that it shouldn’t matter, that people should be invited regardless. I am able to silence all of them by saying this “imagine your wedding day, you are standing up with the love of your life filled with so much joy, you look to your right and see smiling faces-you look to the left and see the face of a person who you know thinks that there is something wrong with you, that you don’t deserve the happiness that other people do” Why would you want that??
There are many things that we are flexible on as we plan our wedding. Inviting people who don’t support our marriage, who aren’t excited to watch us start our lives together-regardless of who they are or how they are related to us, will not change.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - Boulevard Brewery
While we were lucky that our parents are supportive and loving we definitely have family members that are a little behind the times and we chose to extend the invitation to them (and they weren’t always that way, it took a bit of work). If they didn’t want to come they didn’t have to and if they did the rest of our family and friends would be surrounding us in so much love we wouldn’t notice the negative nancies… We were happily surprised at the hometown reception on my side… Sometimes I think it is important to empower people to be good and loving, it also allows them to see you in a happy, healthy relationship and it “normalizes” same-sex marriage and relationships…
Post # 7
No definitely do not invite him. Your father sounds awful, I’m sorry you have had to go through all of this. Only invite those that have been their to support you and your FI during your relationship. I also had problems with my parents, I uninvited mine to the wedding (they showed up to ceremony anyways though)
Post # 8
I wouldn’t even consider inviting him. Why allow yourself to be hurt by him again? If he is upset by not being invited, just remind him of his hateful and unsupportive behavior and let him know his actions made it clear he would not want to be there.
I have an alcoholic father who only created toxicity in my life. I cut him out at about 17 years old and am so much happier for it. Needless to say, I will not be inviting him to the wedding.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with him. Try to focus all the positives and forget about the negative! 🙂
Post # 9
A wedding is about celebrating your union with friends and family who love and support you. It sounds to me like your family isn’t terribly loving or supportive. I would skip sending the invitation and, if you still feel they need to know about your wedding, send a wedding announcement instead.
Post # 10
It sounds like he wouldn’t come anyway. If you intend on staying in contact with him, I agree with julies1949 that he just gets more ammunition, wrongly so, if you don’t. He sounds particularly vitriolic so I don’t think you can really win here..
Post # 11
No need to invite your father if he refuses to be supportive. It is sad that in this day and age, gay marriage is such a problem for some people.
For your own sanity, I feel that it would be best for you to stop trying to build a relationship with your father. He has made it very clear that he isn’t interested in being respectful or caring, so reaching out all the time just deepens your hurt. Hopefully he will come around later but there is no need for you to hope for it.
Post # 12
Celebration days [for whatever reason] are just that, FOR CELEBRATING. No one needs a debbie downer at the party. Don’t invite them, and don’t regret it. Life is short baby doll .. have a hell of a party and do not care what others think or have to say, period.
Post # 13
I’m marrying my STBW (soon to be wifey) in July and there isn’t a chance in hell that we would invite someone who didn’t support same sex marriage. We won’t even go somewhere on our honeymoon that doesn’t support or allow same sex marriage.
Post # 14
IMO, your wedding day is about being surrounded by your loved ones. In an ideal world, that includes family by default. But sometimes it doesn’t. And that’s okay!