Post # 1
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
Greetings, everyone! Thanks for stopping in. ☺️
This situation has torn apart my oldest friendship so I’d really appreciate any insight or advice. Not only did my best friend of 15 years not choose me as the Maid/Matron of Honor, but she waited until the wedding rehearsal to let me know, not even giving me the chance to process it in an appropriate setting. We have laughed, cried, and grown together from childhood to adulthood. I’ve poured out the most intimate, private, deepest parts of my soul with her and done my best to have her back, support her, and be a loving, loyal friend to her for the majority of my life. So naturally, even with the logical awareness that it is her choice to make; this stings.
I suppose her passive aggressive nature is what led her to not announce the Maid/Matron of Honor until the wedding rehearsal the night before. Perhaps in her mind, she thought the bridesmaids would go along with the decision and swallow any unsettled feelings because her big day was approaching. Is it just me or is that just a tad bit cowardly and inconsiderate? Instead of asserting her decision, she had her husband-to-be arrange the bridesmaids and announce the Maid/Matron of Honor. I foolishly stood there looking confused and dumbfounded because naturally I had expected her to pick me and partially due to my misunderstanding/her passive procrastination, it sounded like she had asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor on the phone. Flashback to 6 months earlier: during a phone convo, she asked if I would be apart of her bridal party and I had just assumed that meant Maid/Matron of Honor. She later admitted that she didn’t clarify because she couldn’t choose between me, her oldest friend, and a friend she had met in high school. Anyhow, I was pissed to say the least. Embarrassed for assuming and being bold enough to ask her if the placement was correct based on my assumption in front of the rest of the wedding party, feeling silly, and feeling stupid for going above my means to contribute to her memory of a lovely pre-wedding experience. In fact, I was so livid that I barely looked at her or said a word to her during the dinner out of fear that I would say the wrong thing or speak with the wrong tone.
Our friendship hasn’t been the same since. The whole situation has made me question the validity of our bond and made and tbh, it’s made me a bit resentful of her. What’s your take on the situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Post # 2
Member
3712 posts
Sugar bee
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch next time?
Post # 3
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
I think its very, very weird to finally announce who is the Maid/Matron of Honor at the rehearsal dinner, like they have just won the Bachelor or something. At that point what does it even matter?
But I don’t think you should have ever assumed that you were the Maid/Matron of Honor, and I wouldn’t hold it against her now.
Post # 4
Member
4052 posts
Honey bee
I’m usually a person who thinks someone is entitled to their feelings, whatever they may be. However, I do think you are being way dramatic.
I could understand being hurt about the fact that she announced it the way she did, but I don’t get your hostility and outward anger toward her.
You obviously mean a lot to her since she DID ask you to be in the Bridal Party. This is still an honor.
It would be one thing if she didn’t even acknowledge your friendship at all but it sounds like you had unrealistic expectations. I think you need to let it go and get over yourself.
Post # 5
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
I can understand why you’re hurt but it would have been better if you didn’t make any assumptions. Your friend was clear about not being able to choose between you and her other friend. It’s not fair to blame her for your assumption. Maybe she didn’t assert herself because she was afraid that you wouldn’t react well.
I doubt that your friend meant to hurt you. Choosing bridal party members is very difficult. Hopefully you can put aside your hurt feelings and be there for her on her special day.
Post # 6
Member
7903 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
You know what happens when you assume something. Unless she explicitly said, “I would like you to be Maid/Matron of Honor,” I don’t know how you could think you were actually the Maid/Matron of Honor. It is a little strange, though, that she had her husband state who “won the final rose as MOH” like on The Bachelor.
Post # 7
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
groomsister35 : Thank you so much for this! Was able to be there for her on her big day but the friendship hasn’t been the same since. I feel things would have been different had she been more tactful about stating who the Maid/Matron of Honor was…
Also, she WASN’T clear about her indecision until she asked me what was wrong and I told her. It was then that she admitted she was indecisive and had spoken with her pre-husband about it, mentioning, “It’s easy for him to choose beause he has brothers”. Basically eluding to the fact that she was indecisive and never really said who she chose but asked him to interject
Post # 8
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
craigslistgirl : 😂 It sounds strange but it would make sense if you spent some time around her. She has a passive/passive aggressive nature to the point where she refused to make eye contact with the random pedestrian because she had stopped at a red light too far into the crosswalk. Lol
Post # 9
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
Usually moh wears a slightly different dress than the other bridesmaids — so you all are wearing the same dress? And moh is usually in charge of the bachelorette party– did you plan it?
Post # 10
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
sapphire27 : I’m pretty sure it was her way of avoiding any backlash or disappointed bridesmaids. Also, she opted out of a bachlorette party and she and her hubby did most of the planning so that eliminated the traditional need for a Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 11
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
yupmarried : She and her husband did most of the planning along with some insight from his mother. He and his groomsmen’s party stayed at a hotel the night before where they had a bachlor’s party but she chose to not have a bachlorette party. Instead, she simply requested that we join her for a chill lady’s day and sleepover the night before. Another thing that was bothersome was how I took the lead and helped her prep for the actual wedding more than the Maid/Matron of Honor by washing her hair the night before, driving her to get her hair done that morning, and helping her fix the finishing touches on her wedding dress. Which of course, was my pleasure, but still 🙃 She kept asking me to go above and beyond and not her MOH
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
jennette409. Reason: Grammar
Post # 12
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
I feel that you were wrong for assuming, but I also feel she’s wrong. I can’t say what is in her head, but this strikes me as someone who is friend zoning all the bridesmaids so that she can get the benefit of Maid/Matron of Honor from all of them then “award” the title at the end. Why else wait until it’s over to name MOH?
Post # 13
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
impatient1 : 🤔 That is a possibility I didn’t consider, she’s a very clever lady…
Thank you for an honest, fair assessment. This situation has been heavy on my heart for a while so I appreciate the firm honesty minus judgment.
Post # 14
Member
47214 posts
Honey Beekeeper
She handled the situation very poorly. You assumed you were the Maid/Matron of Honor. You were both in the wrong.
Surely if she meant you to be Maid/Matron of Honor, the words would have come out of her mouth at some time during her engagement? To the sales clerk ” This is ___, my Maid/Matron of Honor. ???????
Post # 15
Member
11574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
jennette409 : but you knew when you were washing her hair and diving her around that you were not her Maid/Matron of Honor, since they announced it the night before.
So while it was super high drama and rude of her to wait to announce and do it in front of everyone, you really hadn’t done any of the more burdensome jobs of MOh like paying/planning/hosting a bachelorette party.
Yeah, it could have been done better but you keep mentioning her passive aggressive nature, so I’m guessing it wasn’t really a surprise and this is kind of who she is.
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