(Closed) Bride to be waited until the wedding rehearsal to let me know I wasn't her MOH.

posted 2 years ago in Beehive
  • poll: Was the way she went about announcing her MOH wrong?
    Yes : (33 votes)
    63 %
    No : (19 votes)
    37 %
  • Post # 18
    11592 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    jennette409 :  ok, but you helped her after knowing you weren’t Maid/Matron of Honor and then came here to call her passive aggressive. Did you tell her how you were feeling?

    Post # 19
    6298 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I don’t see the big deal about being the Maid/Matron of Honor so that part doesn’t seem like much of an issue to me. But her conveniently neglecting to say anything and allowing you to “go above and beyond” to support her without clarity is what would upset me. And then her being so clumsy and chickenshit about handling things that she just fobs it off on her Fiance to do, embarrassing people. That was really poorly done.

    However, I also really think it’s past time for women to stop blowing our budgets and overburdening our own time and energy resources for other people and then being resentful about what we get in return. If you can’t afford to do/pay/give and get nothing in exchange, then you cannot afford it and you need to set some boundaries and respect them. Her poor communication wasn’t okay but, really, neither was your choice to bend over backwards for this person to the point that you did since it clearly created resentment when it turned out that your role wasn’t what you’d expected it to be.

    Post # 21
    47209 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    jennette409 :  The details you are adding are irrelevant. She never asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. You assumed you were the Maid/Matron of Honor. She handled it terribly. 

    Post # 23
    6298 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    jennette409 :  I think it’s a testament to your own poise and grace that you made it through the day and kept the agreement you’d made to support her. It wasn’t in your best interest to do it in the first place, but once started you kept your commitment. I hope you’ll take better care of yourself moving forward- with this person at the very least since her shortcomings have already proven to have such an unfortunate impact on you (as well as others, I’m sure).

    Post # 24
    12291 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    If she was really as conflicted as she claims she was she shouldn’t have had any Maid/Matron of Honor. You all could have been equal BMs or co- MOHs.  Too many brides think the “spot” must be filled , when in reality the honor should reflect the relationship. Of course, we don’t know if this is really what happened. It’s possible that the bride and Maid/Matron of Honor knew all along who she was picking but she didn’t know how to tell you. 

    Announcing the night before was strange and insensitive to say the least, but you were never told you were Maid/Matron of Honor, so I don’t see how it could have come as a shock.

    I don’t think passive aggressive is the correct term for this, though.  You’ve given no indication she was angry or annoyed with you, until you confronted her, at least. From the way you describe it she was frozen with indecision, didn’t want to hurt you, and ended up handling things poorly. 

    Putting her on the spot was inappropriate on your part, though.

    Post # 28
    394 posts
    Helper bee

    you know the more I read, the more I see as a wedding planner and from these posts – why in the heck should we identify Maid/Matron of Honor or BM’s. Why not just call them groomsmen and bridesmaids or all important people or all Maids ofHonor and Best men. I am not sure it is wise or even right to pick and say one person is more important. I mean is this a beauty pagent where somehow we accept that the runner ups will stand by like a manservant? Wedding parties and their select are fully of angst, agony and controversy as it is but I do wonder now a days with the different expectations why do we have these additional dividers or distinguishers. Very little good seems to come of it.

    Post # 30
    6291 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    jennette409 :  I had a similar situation recently. I found out the day before that I wasn’t Maid/Matron of Honor. This is my oldest friend (literally grew up together from like 12 months old), and I was doing a speech. I hadn’t assumed I was Maid/Matron of Honor, esp as she wasn’t at mine, but it was a little bit hurtful to find out for sure at the rehearsal in front of the rest of the bridal party, and it didn’t help that other people (including the Maid/Matron of Honor lol) had assumed I was Maid/Matron of Honor as I was doing the speech. I just felt it could have been communicated in advance (I communicated who was Maid/Matron of Honor right from the off) so I could digest it. I also think she knew it wasn’t the best way to handle it as she wouldn’t look at me when announcing it.

    So yeah I do understand feeling hurt, but you need to let it go. I totally understand why I wasn’t chosen, and have moved on, it’s only really how it was handled that left a bit of a bitter taste I guess but there’s no point dwelling on it.

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