(Closed) Bride turned down my offer to buy her a dress, would you get her a wedding gift?

posted 9 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll: To get her a gift or not?

    She wouldn't take the gift you offered, just get her a card

    Get her a gift certificate somewhere, not cash though

    Just give her the amount in cash

    Other (will explain below)

  • Post # 32
    Member
    288 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Tarheelgurl:  I don’t you should be so resentful to the bride. If she initially accepted and then two days later decided not to, I doubt it’s because she’s being cash grabby. You said that you mentioned you’d give her cash instead at the time you proposed the idea of buying her the dress. If she was set on getting cash instead, it wouldn’t have taken her two days to decide this. 

    My guess is she thought things through and decided against a custom gown. She probably went home and thought it over. She won’t be able to try the gown on first, before it’s made. She’s obligated to stick with the choice since you’re paying (if she has dress regret, too bad). And it’s a lot to ask from a friend. After alterations, it could end up costing a lot more than what was initially expected. 

    Give her the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume she’s ungrateful.

    You seem very resentful towards her, especially about past situations that have happened between the two of you. I don’t understand why you would offer to buy her dress if you resent her this much.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1988 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Maybe she got caught up in the moment when she first agreed to your gift, but then after she had some time to think about it decided she did not want you to purchase her wedding gown.  Like PPs have said, I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone but a parent offering to buy my wedding dress, it is just too personal for a friend to be buying for me.

    You said there is more to the story that you don’t want to go into, but based on what you have told us here I think you are overreacting to the fact that she did not want you to purchase her wedding gown.

    Post # 34
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @Tarheelgurl:  If you’re going to the wedding, you should give her something. Maybe choose an item off the registry or give her less cash than you were planning to if her rejection doesn’t sit right with you.

    Post # 35
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I think you were being too nice to someone that doesn’t even sound like a good friend to begin with. I would be honored for any one to offer to buy my dress, especially since she sounds she can’t afford this wedding she is having. That being said, don’t get the dress, don’t give her the cash (obviously that is what she wants to pay for her wedding), and just get her a gift off the registry! 

    Post # 36
    Member
    2953 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @Tarheelgurl:  I wouldn’t take her refusal personally. She might have felt that if you bought it she’d have to listen to your input and that could be one reason she said no.

    I like to be independent so unless you are my mom or grandmother, I’d say no too.

    FYI, my mom is buying my dress so she’ll be with me as I try stuff on. I can handle her input but from most other people I don’t need/want their opinion of the dress I’ll purchase.

    Post # 37
    Member
    338 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    @Tarheelgurl:  Maybe she never planned on spending that amount of money on a dress, and she feels like the money you would spend could be better used somewhere else after the wedding (downpayment on a house for example)

    If that’s the case, I think she is smart for it and I don’t think you should care what she does with the money you said you would gift her.

    Post # 38
    Member
    1797 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Doesn’t seem like a good use of friend energy.  Why do you feel so entitled to buy this woman’s dress?  Personally I’d just leave it alone and gift what I was orginally planning.  It’s never too late to turn things around.  This doesn’t have to be the tipping of the downward spiral.

     

     

     

    Post # 39
    Member
    573 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I can kind of see her side–for me I made the decision to pay for my own dress because I didn’t want to be influenced by anyone else.  I felt like if I took my parents offer to pay for it then their opinion would be more important than mine (even if that wasn’t the case). 

    Post # 40
    Member
    8375 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    “I told her it wasn’t a problem since we were gonna give her the amount in cash or something near it anyway

    Unfortunately, you have already taken the initiative to inform your friend that you were planning to give her cash  but that you were willing to purchase her dress instead.  The fact that she is electing to purchase her own dress in no way is reflective of her being rude or cash grabby.

    Although you would not originally have had any obligation either to give or cash or to purchase her dress, the fact that you already have stated your intent to give her cash strongly suggests that you should follow through with your implied promise to do so.

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    3954 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I would not want a custom made dress, so I probably would have turned it down. Just get her something off the registry.

    Post # 42
    Member
    91 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Tarheelgurl:  I would like to commend you for being a great friend. We hear so many posts about what a crappy bridesmaid we have or how this friend all of a sudden stopped being a friend when I became engaged. I can’t turn to my own friends but anyways… Thank you for maintaining your friendship and offering such a generous gift. Now I will have to agree with the others that your reaction to her turning down your offer seems a bit drastic. It seems that her turning down your offer has hurt your feelings, understandably, but you mention that you understand that she’s financially strapped right now so you instead want to give her nothing…that doesn’t sound too kind. I would think since you are the friend in the know you would being willing (if able) to give her the cash as a gift because she needs it. What’s wrong with giving cash?

    Post # 43
    Member
    2056 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I’d turn the offer down too, regardless of reason why it was offered.  Unless it’s my parents or grandparents buying me the dress, there’s no way I’d let anyone pick out and pay for a dress for me.  And even if I like the dress they picked out, I wouldn’t let them pay.  It’s such a personal thing.

    Post # 44
    Member
    13957 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

     

    “The thing that really bothers me about all of this, is the fact that before I offered to buy her a dress, I told her it wasn’t a problem since we were gonna give her the amount in cash or something near it anyway. So now I feel like she’s turning down my offer, just to get the cash.”

    This makes literally no sense to me.  YOU are the one who generously told her that you were planning to give her the cash equivalent of a  dress as a gift.   She didn’t solicit this, YOU offered.   Then you  offer her the alternative to buy  a  dress from a particular source that YOU chose.   She agreed at first, then had second thoughts.  

    All other things aside, I think you’re being unfair and  unreasonable tbh. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    231 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Wow, I can’t believe some of the responses.. First of all that was very nice of you as a friend to offer to buy her a dress since she was complaining about having no money.. What I don’t get is if she has no money, why is she having a huge wedding with 200 guest and not wanting to feed them.. She needs to have a wedding that she can afford..If now feeding 200 people because her mother said it’s bad etiquette not to is leaving her broke then she needs to cut the guest list.. Although I would feel awkward having a friend offer to buy me a dress, I probably wouldn’t accept.. Even if she accepted and then changed her mind, it is what it is.. Just give her the amount you were planning on giving her and let it go.. IMO it does sound cash grabby but I don’t know the whole story. There’s not much you can do but let it go.

     

     

     

    Post # 46
    Member
    153 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You sound like a good friend, and friends can push our buttons like no others can.

    To highlight the same sentence as many others have done, “I told her it wasn’t a problem since we were gonna give her the amount in cash or something near it anyway.”  Basically, it’s the same thing as giving her money upfront to pay for a wedding-related expense, which you say you don’t want to do.  Would it be okay if you gave her the cash directly if you knew it was specifically going towards a dress?

    You offered to buy a specific type of dress for her.  I know that if I accepted something like this, then changed my mind, I wouldn’t feel comfortortable going back to the giver to say, “I don’t really want this dress anymore — can you buy me this one intead?”  You. Also. Offered. To. Give. Her. Cash.

    It sounds to me like you’re feeling pidgeon-holed because you already told her that you’d give her the cash. If you skip out or give her $20, she’ll feel like you’re punishing her, even if she would have been okay with $20 otherwise.  I’d be pissed not about the amount, but because you made a drastic change because something I did was not pleasing to you.  In any event, this kind of thing isn’t good for friendships & I’d say let it go.

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