(Closed) Bride wants huge bridal shower

posted 4 years ago in Parties
Post # 2
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Oh my, that’s a wedding not a shower! There is no need for that many people. Where will you have it, how will you feed everyone?! Its a nightmare logistically. I would tell her to pick 20 people and if she wants more than that she can plan and pay for it! Honestly, I didn’t get any say who came to my shower, my mom and sister planned it and other than asking me for a list of all the women invited to the wedding they didn’t consult me at all.  There were 14 people there and it was perfectly lovely.

Post # 3
Member
9565 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
moh2018 :  that is so insane. You are not obligated to host that. I would just say, “130 people is crazy big wow! normally its just closest friends and family. That will be really fun but I do want to be uprfront and let you know I cant host that for you”

And let that be that. She is batshit crazy and i repeat; YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO HOST THAT, PERIOD.  Thats another wedding reception. Next she’ll tell you she wants gift cards/cash only at her shower… just wait… 

If she gets miffed at you, you just say “look bride, I was happy to throw you a normal shower which in my experience is closer to 20 people, not 120. I cant throw a giant party for you, youll have to find someone else to do it if thats the kind of shower you want” . Dont let her bridezilla bully you into this. 

Post # 4
Member
5775 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m humming the Rolling Stones ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ in my head as I’m reading this. 

Does she come from a different socio-economic or cultural background than you? In my circles- family, friends & teammates plus  DH’s friends and teammates, a bridal shower is someone’s living room or backyard bbq, DIY decorations, cake, games & casual party food or perhaps at a restaurant. In DH’s family, however, it’s not unusual to have 200 people at a bridal shower or baby shower and spend about $15-20k for a hall and formal meal. 

So perhaps your friend is accustomed to this being the norm in  her family? lol doesn’t mean you get to pay for what she wants! And I’m sorry to say, but money doesn’t necessarily buy manners- if someone’s throwing you a shower, you’re not supposed to be involved in it and making demands! 

I’d ask my friend- in an honest curious way, because it’s a legit question- how she expects you to afford all of this? Even if you enlisted a handful of others to help you out, 130+ guests is still a huge undertaking for a shower. 

Post # 5
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee

First, showers are a gift given by someone – they are not mandated and any one can throw them, not just the Maid/Matron of Honor.  Did you even offer to throw a shower yet?

Second, the host of the shower gets to put the limits on it.  So if you are only capable of hosting 15 in your backyard then that is what you offer if you wish and she can take it or she can leave it and wait until someone else offers to throw her a party more to her liking.

So, assuming you want to throw her a shower  (you are not obligated and they are not required), figure out your budget and what you can reasonably host, offer it, and if she pushes back tell her you are unable to host that.

Post # 6
Member
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Tell her that the BM’s are willing to host ____ friends (make sure you have talked with them and that they are on board) and she will have to hope that family on either side wants to host a shower. if she wants to invite that many people. Her desire not to have more than one shower, is her problem, not yours.

Post # 7
Member
6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

No no no no no. 

First, did you offer to throw her this shower? Or is she just assuming you’re doing it? 

Second, if you did offer and do actually want to throw her a shower, I’d think to yourself about how much you can really afford (monetarily and mentally) and tell her. Let her know you can afford to X amount of people for the shower. That’s it. If she really MUST have 100 people, than someone else can host an additional shower. But you can only do so much. 

Post # 8
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yiiiiikes, that’s not a bridal shower, that’s a wedding. Literally I had 140 guests at my wedding. Where does she think an event like this would be held??

I would tell her that you weren’t anticipating that large of a guest list and you don’t feel you can accomodate that many ladies for a shower. 

Post # 9
Member
7604 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Part of being a friend is sometimes telling a loved one something that they don’t want to hear. Your friend probably doesn’t want to hear that 100+ guests is unreasonable for a shower and makes her look gift-grabby, but you are not doing her any favors if you don’t tell her that.

Post # 10
Member
1521 posts
Bumble bee

In my culture and neck of the woods 100+ guests at a shower is very common bc you’re expected to invite most of if not all the women who will be invited to the wedding. It sounds like you need to have a convo with the bride to better understand her POV.

Are you expected to cover the costs of this with the other BMs? For us, family members mostly host it for the bride (again, cultural difference from most on weddingbee).

Post # 11
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Who is paying for the shower? Where I come from the person who hosts the shower doesn’t always necessarily pay for the shower. The budget should deteremine how many guests should be invited. 

Post # 12
Member
3096 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
moh2018 :  she knows that everyone invited to the shower has to be invited to the wedding right??

Post # 13
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m assuming she’s having a big wedding?

Is it possible for her to have 2-3 showers? I had 2. I probably would have had a third if all of my friends weren’t able to attend the one my sister threw me.

I got some flack for having 2 showers. But the one my sister threw me would have been a 3 hour drive for my husbands side. So logistically it made sense.

Post # 14
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

moh2018 :  That is outrageous. Depending on where you are located and what the norm is in your area, I highly doubt 100 people will come to a bridal shower.  It is for the bride’s nearest and dearest who are “invited” to the wedding. 

If you are not comfortable hosting this event (rightfully so), tell her now so it will not be a big deal. Inform her the number of guests you can host from a financial perspective. 

If she is trying to invite all circles (FILs, colleagues, family friends, etc.) she is going to have to be open to more than one shower. 

Post # 15
Member
859 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
moh2018 :  Don’t do it.  Put the breaks on now.

When I was 21, I was a co-MOH for a family member’s wedding. Her and her best friend got married the same summer about three weeks apart and they were in silent competition with each other for nice things.  She wanted a 85 person bridal shower.  We did not offer to throw it, it was demanded of us as “expected etiquette.” Every time we tried to cut back guest lists, or say we didn’t feel comfortable with something, she sent us articles from websites that said what we were obligated to do for our “positions of honor.”  She forgot to include the ones where the MOH/Bridesmaids are supposed to offer to throw parties they could afford.

I spent thousands of dollars, when I was not in a financial situation to do so.  We rented tents and lights and the prettiest chairs and tables that were available. We hired a live string quartet for background music.  We hired florists. She sampled and rejected food for the sit-down style meal she wanted, and so we kept letting her try caterers. She picked the caterer.  Her shower was larger and nicer than many people’s weddings.  And more expensive.

Her best friend had her shower the week before hers, so at the last minute she changed many things and visions she wanted regarding her shower that we could not manage in such short time.  Including changing the entire menu to mimic a tea party theme that her friend had. After her shower was over she verbally berated us because it wasn’t “as nice” and she didn’t like “x,y,z” about it (after picking those things out.).  She was “humiliated” that the caterer served some form of bruschetta that she thought was “low class.”  She told us we were too inept to throw a nice shower because we had no class. (What we really had was no $60k to spend and no experience).

Then she mentioned that on the bridal shower list of gifts we written down for her, there was no gifts from co-host and I. Where was her gift? What if someone noticed that we didn’t give a gift when we were supposed to be the most important people to her, as the hosts?

It went on and on…

At my wedding a few years later, she couldn’t be in the bridal party because she “didn’t have time.”  And she didn’t give a gift because…I have no idea.  When I asked and mentioned all that I had done for her the response was, “it is rude for you to ask about gifts, that isn’t why you have a wedding.”  And no, the reasons were not financial. I later learned that it was because she was still angry at how poorly of a job we did with her wedding.

When I read about excessive demands early on or high expectations, I always feel my red-flag waving.  

TL;DR: 

Sit down and have a real conversation with her about her expectations and wishes.  Find out where the money is coming from.  Hosting two parties split by family or location might be more manageable. 

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