(Closed) Bridemaid Drama – HELP!

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask her not to come at all to the wedding ceremony?
    YES: She should not come : (4 votes)
    67 %
    NO: She is being reasonable : (2 votes)
    33 %
  • Post # 3
    4382 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!

    That’s so frustrating! It seems like you’re bending over backwards for her and she’s just walking all over you. I’d say no to the stranger invite, tbh.

    Have you talked to her about how you feel? I think before un-inviting her it might be wise to explain all the problems you have, and how you feel that you’ve been taken advantage of. See what she says.

    I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. 🙁

    Post # 4
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I think you have done enough to help her.  So just let her know that the cabin is full.  Which it is so you’re not lying.  Then send her a link to another cabin they can rent.  If she wants to bring him then they can do their own thing.  This will probably discourage her from wanting to bring him.  So one of two things can happen now… 1) She comes to the wedding or 2) she doesn’t come to the wedding.

    The bad part too is that you still have 5 months to the wedding.  So try to stay cool. Chances are they won’t be seeing each other come Christmas problem avoided.


    Post # 6
    613 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    dude.  uninvite her.  if she was really a good friend, she would stop trying to pull you into her vortex of guilt.  just tell her you have reconsidered and dotn have the $200 to lend her.  if she still wants to come, she needs to come up with the money herself.  if not, then hey, she made her choice.

    Post # 7
    7174 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Yuck!  What a horrible situation to be in!

    If I’m understanding your post – you are paying for all airfare, attire, etc. and the only thing they’d need to contribute is $200 ??  

    It sounds like something else is going on with your friend to make her not want to participate in your wedding.  Since she obviously has money to spend on other things, I’d have a heart to heart with her and find out what is really going on.  Be upfront with her and tell her that you feel like you are being taken advantage.  It’s one thing if she really didn’t have money, but another thing to take your generosity and run with it.  Hopefully, an honest conversation can transpire and you can figure out what’s really going on.

    When you talk to her, just tell her how her behavior is making you feel and how it all doesn’t seem to add up.  Hopefully, some clarity will be shed on the situation.

    Also – when she emailed you about bringing they guy – it sounded like she’s willing to pay towards the $200 – did I read that incorrect?  Maybe she thinks she’s contributing in the end….


    EDIT:  just read that you did talk to her.  I’m so sad for you.  I think you should tell her that based on her actions, it makes you think that your friendship is not valuable and she doesn’t want to be at your wedding.  It sounds like she doesn’t have a clue how her actions are affecting you.  Good luck to you.  

    Post # 8
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2018

    oh, that sounds horrible. with such a small wedding, i understand that you don’t want a stranger there. there were so many other people that you didn’t invite, so why should he be there?  and it’s not one of those situations where she needs a “plus one” since it’s such an intimate group. just tell her no, he can’t come (lots of brides have to explain this and while it’s difficult it’s fine), and then let her make up her mind. don’t offer her the money again, though, and please stop feeling guilty about whether she can pay. clearly she can pay but she is choosing to prioritize other things.

    Post # 9
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    You have really done everything in your power to help minimize the costs for her to attend your wedding.  What is probably concerning her is that five days is a long time for a wedding, and not everyone has a desire to stay in a cabin or fly from San Francisco to Tennessee (are there direct flights?  I couldn’t get one from NY to Chattanooga a few months ago).  

    My guess is that the logistics of this wedding are what your bridesmaid dislikes, and she handled the situation all wrong.  She should have been upfront with you, and politely declined the bridal party invitation and wedding invitation.  It’s kind of a tough to turn down a wedding invitation when the bride asks you to be in her bridal party, so she is dragging her feet and trying to avoid telling you how she really feels.  I’m guessing that if you politely give her an out, she will gladly take it.  

    I hope that my post doesn’t come off as a criticism of your decisions – I really do feel that you have the right to choose and design any kind of wedding you want, and that your guests should just decline if it is too expensive/too inconvenient for them to attend.  I really do believe that your bridesmaid should have handled this differently and should have told you the truth from the start and you would have planned accordingly and been disappointed but not nearly as upset as now. Oh, and you absolutely should not let her bring a guest if you are having such a tiny wedding and especially not after all this stress.

    Post # 11
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I had tried to see this from her perspective, but if becoming a bridesmaid was her idea then her actions are really inexcusable.  And the other comment about not upstaging the bride is quite strange.  This is a sad and stressful way to end a friendship, but she doesn’t sound particularly stable or very nice.  I’m really sorry that you are going through this.  

    Post # 12
    290 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I didn’t vote because your poll didn’t allow for a third option. Yes, she should be allowed to come but she IS unreasonable. I would just field her requests as you would with any other guests and try not to engage emotionally. No, she can’t bring a date, just like everyone else. You are probably on the hook for whatever you have offered to pay for so far, but do not offer to pick up anything else. If she can’t attend because she isn’t responsible with money, that will be regrettable but ultimately not detract from your day. Good luck.

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