(Closed) Bridemaid is not coming to the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner…

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
773 posts
Busy bee

It is really tough to balance even one child with other obligations, and your Bridesmaid or Best Man has 4 of them.  The nighttime event probably came up at the last minute– maybe the daughter forgot to tell her parents about it until just now.  It’s hard to understand when you’re not a parent, but when you have children, they become your life.  Obviously your Bridesmaid or Best Man is going to put her children before you and your wedding.  Also, she probably looks at it this way- you have 10 BMs and she’s just one of them.  Also, her daughter is a child and won’t understand why mom wasn’t at this big important event of hers, but you’re an adult and you CAN understand that sometimes things come up.  I do agree with you that the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are important.  Why don’t you just ask her if she can come to the rehearsal dinner even if she misses the rehearsal?  Try to be polite with her, and say that you understand that she’s unable to make the rehearsal, but that you’d love for her to be at the dinner with her family?

Post # 4
596 posts
Busy bee

Maybe she doesn’t want to attend the rehearsal dinner because she feels bad about not being able to make the rehearsal, and doesn’t want to look like she’s just showing up for the food.  Why don’t you suggest that as an option and see what she says?  Explain that the rehearsal dinner is 30 minutes after the school function ends so the whole family would still be able to come. 

Also, maybe this is horrid of me, but I would politely remind/hint her that she just confirmed 2 days ago that she would be able to make it and it’s too late to change the headcount with the caterer.

I understand being upset about the rehearsal dinner but please don’t be mad about everything else.  You have really gone above and beyond to be a good friend to her but it doesn’t mean you should "expect" certain things back.  As amandopolis said, her children are always going to come first.  And she has four of them!  That must keep her life super busy!  Seriously, she can’t possibly in good conscience choose to spend time making favors with you or shopping for wedding dresses over spending quality time with her kids.  Honestly, bridesmaids are really not required to do those kinds of things.  It’s nice if they do but it is not required at all and it shouldn’t be seen as a rude gesture if they do not, especially when you have nine other bridesmaids – presumably some of them have fewer children and therefore more free time for this kind of stuff.

Post # 7
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not sure the ages of her children, but as a mom, I don’t often find allowing my children to come along, is a very good option.  They present more aggravation and opportunity for embarassment, frustration, or soemthing to get broken.  And when you’re making up favors, it feels like you get nothing accomplished. 

However, I have to say, I think you have a point to be upset.  I have kids, so I understand their little events come first, but you have a point in that she had RSVPed yes to the rehearsal and all of a sudden can’t make it.  Assuming she’s honest about why she can’t make it, I think at the least she is being disorganized.  I think both your wedding and her children’s events should be important enough for her to put them on the calendar so that this sort of thing doesn’t happen.  Also, (for me) depending on the child’s event, I might choose something like a wedding rehearsal over the kiddie event.  (Are we talking one of many soccer games?  Or a one time school play?)

I understand having 4 kids can causes families to cut back, financially.  So maybe your friend doesn’t have a ton of money.  However, if she can’t afford to be in the wedding, she should have been upfront with you.  And to throw in, I feel your pain about being there for her, and not feel reciprocated now that it’s your turn. 

However, sometimes wedding stuff gets crazy with friends.  If you can ride it out until the wedding is over, without saying or doing something to destroy the friendship, you might find things settle down.  Maybe she is jealous of all of your exciting new experiences.  She is waist deep in kid stuff.  It’s that time in her life.  Maybe she wishes to be doing something more exciting right now.  You’re going on an exciting honeymoon.  She probably couldn’t get away if she wanted to.  And who knows if she could afford it?  Also, could she be intimidated that there are so many BMs?  Do the other Bms know each other, and she doesn’t know anyone?  Also, some of the things that you mentioned, for whateverreason, some BMs don’t want to do.  (Making favors, dress shopping).  I. personally, would love to help with that stuff.  But from these boards I get the impression some BMs either don’t want to or aren’t able to do much more than show up for the wedding.

Post # 8
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think you definitely have a right to be upset – I know I would be! It is especially upsetting (and rude) since she RSVPed that her entire family would be there (which sounds like six people) and is now saying that none of them are coming?

I also think you make a good point – you say you went to baptisms, baby showers, all of which you made time for. I don’t think it’s fair that once people have kids, they no longer have to support their friends. I’m sure that’s an unpopular opinion when people have kids, but if you want to keep close friendships you have to work on them and do things for them.

Because it’s unpopular, there’s really nothing you can do. If you get upset, she’ll say that she can’t ignore her kids for your wedding and you cannot win that argument, because it’s true. I do think it’s totally okay to send an e-mail back saying you’re upset that she won’t be able to make it, and I think it is also okay to say that you are mad that 2 days ago she RSVPed for 6, and now it is too late to change it and those 6 aren’t coming. That would make me feel better.

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