(Closed) Bridemaids treated my sister horribly

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should i confront my friends now or later

    now

    after the wedding

  • Post # 2
    Member
    9391 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    i’d have sis forward me the emails and deal with it (with all the information) asap.

    i know it sucks but letting your sister be verbally abused by your friends just so your wedding day is picture perfect wouldn’t sit well with me.  Also, if they really are being so terrible do you really want to find out after they’re already permanently in your wedding photos and wedding memories?

    Deal with it now, maybe there’s a chance for reconciliation and recovery… and if there isn’t, good riddance.  Make your wedding day and your sisters life happier and easier from here on out, at least.

    The only caveat would be if your wedding was like, tomorrow.  Then I’d get delaying only because you’re likely already overwhelmed with what you need to take care of.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1196 posts
    Bumble bee

    Agree with PP, I would get all the information first (see for yourself) then confront them. If they aren’t apologetic or even feel bad about their behaviour, I’d cut them from the bridal party. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    8358 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Your sister should not have planned the party and said “its going to be $X”. She should have consulted with everyone first to see what they were comfortable paying. They are upset because they probably wanted to join your party but now can’t afford it. 

    “I feel that the presents i received from them were cheap compared to what i had given them”

    WHAT? Did they also have to travel to come to your shower and you are shitting on their gifts? If they couldn’t afford to travel to your bachelorette party what sort of gifts are you expecting?

    You are only getting 1 side of the story. It doesnt sound like they are being very nice to your sister, and I’d be upset about that too. But you are only getting half the story. I would chat with them and give them some slack. If they are really pulled tight on money that could be causing some stress, but they shouldn’t be taking it out on your sister.

    Post # 5
    Member
    702 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I have no useful advice, but sending you good wishes for a happy ending. It must be awful finding out how your friends have behaved through all this. On the plus side, your sister is an absolute star and proving to be the right choice of maid of honour!

    Post # 6
    Member
    10561 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Get the facts before you tell anyone off. 

    I can kind of see how it was frustrating for your bridesmaids to just be told “This is what we’re doing, you don’t have to come if you don’t want.” but I also see your sisters side in that she was just trying to throw something she knew you would like.

    The first thing I would do would be to get the emails from your sister. Preferably have her forward the entire email chain from the planning to the nasty email. Then I would non confrontationally ask your friends what the deal is. For example, “Hey Sue, I noticed some tension between you and my sister at the party. She had mentioned in passing you might have been upset over a disagreement. What happened?”

    I think you owe it to your friends to hear their sides out before you automatically jump to “they’re abusing my sister!”

    Post # 7
    Member
    6944 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    View original reply
    mrsgutztobe :  Cheap shower gifts opened your eyes to…what exactly?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1249 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    It’s really not up to you how other people spend their money and being a bridesmaid is expensive.  In some cultures bridesmaids don’t give gifts at all because they have generally already invested so much in the wedding.

    It’s not fair for them to verbally attack your sister, and that should be dealt with.  But you have no right to other people’s money, regardless of how they spend it themselves or what you may have spent on them.  And to, be fair, I’d way rather go to Iceland than a bachelorette.

    Post # 10
    Member
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

    I’ve been in four weddings so far. In the first, there was a Maid/Matron of Honor that made complete sense as a choice and the rest of the BMs had no issue. In the second, the Maid/Matron of Honor did not make sense as a choice and some BMs were hurt that they were not chosen. In the third and fourth weddings, both brides had bridal parties but decided not to choose a Maid/Matron of Honor. We were all very close to the brides and I appreciate that the work was divvied up equally and we did not put one friendship over the other.

    My point in this reply is because I’m getting vibes that your two long-term friends might be a bit miffed that they weren’t chosen as the Maid/Matron of Honor. Not an excuse for their behavior, but I’m wondering if that’s what’s driving their conduct toward your sister. A Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t automatically mean that they get every say-so in regard to helping plan things and such, but it sounds like your sister took the lead on organizing the shower and bachelorette party, which may have unintentionally isolated your other bridesmaids who wanted to help/give more input.

    As PPs have pointed out, you only have one side of the story. I know for me, my anxiety often leads to misinterpreting some situations and intentions. Given your sister’s experiences, her feelings are completely valid, but they are also personal. The intention behind your close friends’ conduct may have been stemming from a place of hurt or miscommunication. And most commonly for me, reading tone over email/text is nearly impossible. If that’s your BM’s main form of communication, there’s bound to be some misread tone in there somewhere.

    I suggest checking in with both friends separately, similar to how to checked in with your sister. See how they’re feeling about the wedding and such coming up, how the BM’s are getting along. Be a friend. If they express worries or issues to you, great, you have more information. If not, they could be hiding their bad conduct or be unaware of how their treatment toward your sister was taken. I wouldn’t write them off just yet, but see if you can get more info and also if the conduct pesists. That could be very telling.

    Post # 11
    Member
    6156 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    Get their side of the story. Don’t let your imagination run wild before you get all the facts.

    Post # 12
    Member
    999 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    My sister then received a nasty email from one of my friends saying how mad she was that she planned everything and didn’t consider costs and insulted her saying because she lived at home she doesn’t have real bills, etc.

    Did your sister really say that the friend living at home “doesn’t have real bills”? Because that’s not okay.

    Agree with PPs that you need to get both sides of the story here.

    Post # 13
    Member
    10561 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    “She also wanted to run the entire night and because she didn’t get her way she started making a fuss.”

    You don’t know this. You’re just making things up based on what your sister said.

    Post # 14
    Member
    9391 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    View original reply
    mrsgutztobe :  listen, its impossible to know what happened without knowing both sides.

    But this is all over email.  I.e. you can have the entire thing forwarded to you and see for yourself.  No need for second hand accoutns and he said/she said.  Just don’t accuse your supposedly best friends of being horrible.

    Also.. you really don’t get to decide how much money people have available to spend on your wedding…

    View original reply
    BookishBee :  i think friend said that to sister?

    The topic ‘Bridemaids treated my sister horribly’ is closed to new replies.

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