Post # 1
My sister is my maid of honor for my wedding and shes literally my best friend and rock. She has been going crazy planning my shower and bachelorette party for months. I have 6 other bridesmaids in my party, two of which are friends ive known over 15 years. Ive been to both their weddings, and attended every birthday and christening and so forth. I feel ive been there for them and have done a lot for them. They both dont live near me anymore, one lives an hour north and the other lives 8 hours away.
My sister has planned a fantastic bachelorette party in the city for me and i don’t know details. However over the past couple months it became apparent to me that my sister was extra stressed about this and finally when i bugged her enough to vent to me she said my two friends were the reason. They have made her life miserable and difficult regarding both the shower and the bachelorette. One in particular kept wanting to take over many of the details my sister planned out already. My sister knows my taste and nicely stated that she had a plan for me and appreciated opinions but plans were kinda set. My sister sent out a mass email to all the girls coming to the bachelorette party about how much it would be around, the schedule and asked each girl if that was ok with them. When some told her it was too pricey she went above and put more money in herself so the cost would be less for each girl. My two friends gave my sister the hardest time bc they weren’t close by and they would have to travel far to go to the party. My sister said upfront if its too much then its not an obligation and gave other alternatives but in the end my friends told my sister they couldn’t come which is totally ok. My sister then received a nasty email from one of my friends saying how mad she was that she planned everything and didn’t consider costs and insulted her saying because she lived at home she doesn’t have real bills, etc. She went on and on and my sister bit her tongue because she knew they were my friends and didn’t want to start something.
So now here i am knowing how mean my two “great” friends treated my sister and I have to pretend like i don’t know. I actually dont even know the full story bc this is only a small part that my sister divulged. They were kinda cold to her at my shower and i feel so disappointed at how theyre acting to my sister. They know how close i am with her and its disrespectful to be so mean to her. I feel that the presents i received from them were cheap compared to what i had given them and then some, not that monetary gifts matter but its opened my eyes.
My sister told my mother the entire story and she told me that my friends are wrong and you”ll probably find out after the wedding everything they put your sister through.
I don’t know how to react to all of this. I feel like writing a letter to both and telling them off and expressing my anger and dissapointment but is it smarter to wait until after the wedding? I dont’ need to start stuff before the wedding but i feel like im faking two friendships right now.
Any help would be appreciated or anyone who can relate 🙁
Post # 2
i’d have sis forward me the emails and deal with it (with all the information) asap.
i know it sucks but letting your sister be verbally abused by your friends just so your wedding day is picture perfect wouldn’t sit well with me. Also, if they really are being so terrible do you really want to find out after they’re already permanently in your wedding photos and wedding memories?
Deal with it now, maybe there’s a chance for reconciliation and recovery… and if there isn’t, good riddance. Make your wedding day and your sisters life happier and easier from here on out, at least.
The only caveat would be if your wedding was like, tomorrow. Then I’d get delaying only because you’re likely already overwhelmed with what you need to take care of.
Post # 3
Agree with PP, I would get all the information first (see for yourself) then confront them. If they aren’t apologetic or even feel bad about their behaviour, I’d cut them from the bridal party.
Post # 4
Your sister should not have planned the party and said “its going to be $X”. She should have consulted with everyone first to see what they were comfortable paying. They are upset because they probably wanted to join your party but now can’t afford it.
“I feel that the presents i received from them were cheap compared to what i had given them”
WHAT? Did they also have to travel to come to your shower and you are shitting on their gifts? If they couldn’t afford to travel to your bachelorette party what sort of gifts are you expecting?
You are only getting 1 side of the story. It doesnt sound like they are being very nice to your sister, and I’d be upset about that too. But you are only getting half the story. I would chat with them and give them some slack. If they are really pulled tight on money that could be causing some stress, but they shouldn’t be taking it out on your sister.
Post # 5
I have no useful advice, but sending you good wishes for a happy ending. It must be awful finding out how your friends have behaved through all this. On the plus side, your sister is an absolute star and proving to be the right choice of maid of honour!
Post # 6
Get the facts before you tell anyone off.
I can kind of see how it was frustrating for your bridesmaids to just be told “This is what we’re doing, you don’t have to come if you don’t want.” but I also see your sisters side in that she was just trying to throw something she knew you would like.
The first thing I would do would be to get the emails from your sister. Preferably have her forward the entire email chain from the planning to the nasty email. Then I would non confrontationally ask your friends what the deal is. For example, “Hey Sue, I noticed some tension between you and my sister at the party. She had mentioned in passing you might have been upset over a disagreement. What happened?”
I think you owe it to your friends to hear their sides out before you automatically jump to “they’re abusing my sister!”
Post # 7
Cheap shower gifts opened your eyes to…what exactly?
Post # 8
I forgot to mention that one of the friends just took a trip to iceland, morocco, and disney and went on a cruise all within the last 6 months. My sister wrote everyone and said the amount of money the night would cost and if it was ok with everyone. Only one other person said it was a little too much so my sister put in way more to lessen everyone’s price. My friend is well off and travels often so I just think its ironic how she’s the one complaining about the price. She also wanted to run the entire night and because she didn’t get her way she started making a fuss. And the other one hasn’t come down to visit me in years but i go up to her for every function for her family. She does things when they’re convenient for her, not vice versa. Im not expecting a large gift but it was obvious when the gift came from the both of them together and it was quite small for what I know they can afford that they were doing it out of spite.
I want to hear the other side but I really don’t think they’re coming off on the good side.
Post # 9
It’s really not up to you how other people spend their money and being a bridesmaid is expensive. In some cultures bridesmaids don’t give gifts at all because they have generally already invested so much in the wedding.
It’s not fair for them to verbally attack your sister, and that should be dealt with. But you have no right to other people’s money, regardless of how they spend it themselves or what you may have spent on them. And to, be fair, I’d way rather go to Iceland than a bachelorette.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
I’ve been in four weddings so far. In the first, there was a Maid/Matron of Honor that made complete sense as a choice and the rest of the BMs had no issue. In the second, the Maid/Matron of Honor did not make sense as a choice and some BMs were hurt that they were not chosen. In the third and fourth weddings, both brides had bridal parties but decided not to choose a Maid/Matron of Honor. We were all very close to the brides and I appreciate that the work was divvied up equally and we did not put one friendship over the other.
My point in this reply is because I’m getting vibes that your two long-term friends might be a bit miffed that they weren’t chosen as the Maid/Matron of Honor. Not an excuse for their behavior, but I’m wondering if that’s what’s driving their conduct toward your sister. A Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t automatically mean that they get every say-so in regard to helping plan things and such, but it sounds like your sister took the lead on organizing the shower and bachelorette party, which may have unintentionally isolated your other bridesmaids who wanted to help/give more input.
As PPs have pointed out, you only have one side of the story. I know for me, my anxiety often leads to misinterpreting some situations and intentions. Given your sister’s experiences, her feelings are completely valid, but they are also personal. The intention behind your close friends’ conduct may have been stemming from a place of hurt or miscommunication. And most commonly for me, reading tone over email/text is nearly impossible. If that’s your BM’s main form of communication, there’s bound to be some misread tone in there somewhere.
I suggest checking in with both friends separately, similar to how to checked in with your sister. See how they’re feeling about the wedding and such coming up, how the BM’s are getting along. Be a friend. If they express worries or issues to you, great, you have more information. If not, they could be hiding their bad conduct or be unaware of how their treatment toward your sister was taken. I wouldn’t write them off just yet, but see if you can get more info and also if the conduct pesists. That could be very telling.
Post # 11
Get their side of the story. Don’t let your imagination run wild before you get all the facts.
Post # 12
My sister then received a nasty email from one of my friends saying how mad she was that she planned everything and didn’t consider costs and insulted her saying because she lived at home she doesn’t have real bills, etc.
Did your sister really say that the friend living at home “doesn’t have real bills”? Because that’s not okay.
Agree with PPs that you need to get both sides of the story here.
Post # 13
“She also wanted to run the entire night and because she didn’t get her way she started making a fuss.”
You don’t know this. You’re just making things up based on what your sister said.
Post # 14
listen, its impossible to know what happened without knowing both sides.
But this is all over email. I.e. you can have the entire thing forwarded to you and see for yourself. No need for second hand accoutns and he said/she said. Just don’t accuse your supposedly best friends of being horrible.
Also.. you really don’t get to decide how much money people have available to spend on your wedding…
i think friend said that to sister?