"Brides are too afraid of becoming “bridezilla” to ask for what they want"

posted 12 months ago in Beehive
Post # 2
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I’m not sure I buy into this, honestly?  Sexism is treating someone a certain way just because of their gender, which is unfair.  But bridezillas are a REAL thing, and a lot of women get legitimately out of control.  We’ve all seen the bridezillas on this forum who lose their sauce over the smallest thing and make ridiculous demands of people.  If someone’s being called a bridezilla unfairly, that sucks, but I don’t think that automatically equates to sexism every time.

Post # 3
Member
6639 posts
Bee Keeper

Laughing. We have plenty of posts from brides who have no fear at all. 

Post # 4
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

I don’t think people throw out the term bridezilla when the bride is making understandable requests. Examples: ” I want everybody get your hair styled. I’m paying. I want everyone to wear a certain color nail polish. I’ll pay for the nail appointment which is next Friday”. It’s the unreasonable requests and the that some brides make and the entitlement that goes with it that marks the bridezilla. Examples: “I want your hair and nails done a certain way. You pay for it. I want your tattoo covered up. I don’t want any of my bridesmaids to get pregnant or engaged and steal my thunder.” I could go on…

If it walks like a bridezilla and talks like a bridezilla, chances are good that the term is appropriate.

Post # 5
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee

I think the subset of women who are too afraid to ask for what they want for fear of being labeled bridezilla are the same people who are too afraid to ask for what they want the other 364 days of the year.

Do I believe that there is sexist rhetoric out there where assertive Behavior gets a woman labeled a b**** where as a man expressing the same behavior May simply just be a go-getter or authoritative in an office setting? Absolutely. But that and a bridezilla or groomzilla or whatever Zilla label are apples and oranges. I don’t see people slapping a zilla label when making reasonable requests in an assertive manner. So I think the people who are somehow afraid of this label are also the same people who label themselves people-pleasers when they really mean pushovers and are afraid to ask for what they want in any other scenario as well.

As for fear of the label itself? It’s really not that hard to avoid if you keep your perspective and your Humanity. It’s the ones who have lose sight of either one of those and become self-absorbed to the point of lacking empathy or even common sense that tend to get that label. Your average decent human being making a polite but firm request? Not getting that label. So just be decent. It’s not that hard.

Post # 6
Member
8822 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Yep, I agree with PPs who are disagreeing with that article. Sexism is real and is a problem. Bridezillas are also real and a problem. Calling a woman out because she negotiates a higher salary or states her opinion without prefacing it with “I’m sorry, and I know I’m not the expert, but…” is sexist. Calling a woman out because she expects her friends to get a second job so they can pay for her “dream” bachlorette party is normal and should be encouraged. Being part of a marginalized group is not an excuse for shitty behavior.

Post # 7
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

I think we see this on the bee sometimes, and proof that real bridezillas exist too.

Some bees will go “am I being a bridezilla?” and you click and inside its a bee who’se clearly being kicked and spat on by her MIL/mom/sister/bridesmaid and being called a bridezilla because she doesn’t like the idea of her Mother-In-Law wearing a bridal gown and the mother/son dance being the ‘first dance’ instead of OP and her husband.  

And some bees will be legit bridezillas (way less likely to actually ask if they’re being a bridezilla when they are, ngl) who have meltdowns because their asshole bridesmaids won’t each shell out $5000 for her to have a week-long bachelorette in Cancun, 100% paid by them.  Bitches.

I do think people use the “you’re being a bridezilla” insult/threat to manipulate women into getting bulldozed, and in that way its similar to the other insults thrown at women to keep them in line… I just don’t think every woman is a victim of this…

Post # 8
Member
426 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the article. The term “bridezilla” may have started out as a legitimate description for a bride who makes unreasonable demands and loses her temper with her bridal party, but over the years, it’s been used to shame women for having any opinions or preferences at all. If a woman is clear about what she wants for her wedding, even if it’s perfectly reasonable and she’s perfectly calm about it, she’s labeled a “bridezilla.” And it’s definitely made a lot of women afraid to speak up about what they want.

It’s similar to the cultural expectation that women should be willing to have sex with a guy they’ve only dated a few times. If a woman isn’t ready to have sex with a guy after 3 dates, she’s like “Am I being a manipulative bitch by making him wait? Should I just have sex with him, even though I’m not ready, so he doesn’t think I’m being manipulative?” Women are often made to feel like they’re doing something wrong if they have the nerve to set boundaries with other people.

Post # 9
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

totally agree with the article. 

To all the PPs who said ‘but bridezillas are real’: the fact that birdeszillas exist doesn’t serve as a counter example to the claim in the article. Bitchy, shrill women also exist, but that doesn’t mean that sexism isn’t real. The key here is that people who ARENT bridezillas are so afraid of being accused of being one that they go in the complete opposite direction – just like some women are so afraid of being labeled a bitch that they don’t speak up for themselves in other realms of life. 

The point is that brides have been stereotyped as Bridezillas. Yes, bridezillas exist, but they aren’t ALL brides – but people are quick to jump to that label nonetheless 

Post # 10
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

I actually agree with this. I tried really hard to be the “laid back bride.” My bridesmaids chose any dress and hair they wanted, mother and mother-in-law could wear what they wanted, my husband had a lot to say in the planning process and was very involved, dj could play whatever, my mother had freedom to create the centerpieces how she wanted, we asked for no gifts… ugh there were so many things people had a say in! I only had one request: stick to a color pallet (there were like 5 different colors people could work with). However, whenever I expressed something I would like, I was “being bridezilla” from a wide range of people. 

For example: My grandfather is a full-on cowboy. I have never seen him wear anything besides cowboy boots, his cowboy hat he wears everywhere, and his blue jeans with his nice belt buckle. My in-laws wanted a black tie event. I didn’t my want a dress code because I knew my grandpa would want to wear his hat, jeans, and boots. Apparently I was “bridezilla” for not dictating a dress code.

I was also “bridezilla” for letting my husband choose the napkin colors, not my dad. 

I was “bridezilla” when our friend messed up on our sample cake she made us before making the actual cake. She simply confused the filling and cake flavors by switching them so it was a minor mistake. I told her it tasted delicious and reminded her what flavors I wanted and told her I was excited to have her make the cake. Apparently I was “bridezilla” for not “just being happy and let her do what she wanted” for the sample cake. I just had one simple request. It’s not like I was dictating the entire wedding planning process. And it was a one tier cake with a fondant layer. Nothing fancy at all. (I was going to put a big flower on it the day of).

There were so many other stupid things I was called bridezilla for. I am naturally a laid back person and because I am known for being laid back, it was like everyone expected to not have a say at all. If I asked for one thing I was immediately labeled as “bridezilla.” 

Now, my family is toxic so that explains most of it, and I do know how to handle their toxicity now thanks to therapy. But I definitely noticed the stereotype being thrown around just because it could. I do think Bridezilla can be used in a way to shut a female up. And I think it is important for us to be aware of that. 

Yes, real bridezillas exist. But we do need to be aware that it can be used to quiet a female who is planning her wedding.

Post # 11
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

I agree with a lot of this too and you can actually see my frustration with it in a thread I posted this morning. I think there’s this huge pressure on brides to create the perfect day while also being the ~chill bride~ and it’s not fair. Weddings are a lot of work and are really expensive but I feel like when things go wrong brides are expected to take it in stride with a smile and any other reaction gets you labeled crazy/dramatic/unreasonable/bridezilla/etc. Of course real bridezillas exist and people who make unreasonable demands on their family and friends deserve to be called out, but I’m sick of doing so much work and spending more money than I did on my doctorate degree but being afraid of looking crazy if I care too much.

Post # 12
Member
12091 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Some points made are not particularly controversial but the author is ignorant to the fact that once you host a private social event, it is by definition no longer just about you. And that pre wedding events are never ever an entitlement. 

Post # 13
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

I think this is more about misusing the term than anything else.

I don’t consider someone that puts a lot of work and effort into planning their wedding to be a bridezilla. And I definitely don’t consider someone that gets stressed about their wedding to be a bridezilla. Wedding planning is a lot of work and naturally a lot of stress. 

To me a bridezilla is someone that has unfair expectations of her guests/family and causes fights and drama over it. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors