(Closed) Bride's Father Paying for Wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Father Paying for Wedding

    If your father is paying, it's appropriate for him to choose your home state

    Pay for it yourself

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  • Post # 17
    Member
    4500 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    There’s no etiquette issue here, just a decision you have to make about your priorities and your boundaries.

    If your father is offering you money, he has every right to do so conditionally. It is his money, and he has no obligation whatsoever to pay for your wedding. It is up to you and your SO to decide if you want to accept the money and the conditions he’s attached to it.

    Post # 18
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    It sucks your father will only give you money with strings attached, but it is his money and he can do with it what he wants. So if you and your fiance want a mountain wedding, I guess you have to pay for it yourself.

     

    Post # 19
    Member
    8435 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Whoever pays gets the say.  If you don’t want to answer to anyone for your wedding decisions, you’ll probably have to foot the bill.

    Post # 20
    Member
    4766 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I was just talking about this with my friends yesturday how wedding traditions have changed so much in one generation.  Weddings were celebrations thrown by parents to celebrate their child leaving the nest and parents planed and payed for it, and of course child had no say.  My DH addmitted that his parents were bummed that they didn’t get to plan our wedding, since theirs was planned for them and they according to tradition were supposed to plan ours.  

    I’m so greatful that our parents were generous AND let us do what we wanted.  If your dad is traditional in that sense, then I have to say that you will have to pay for it yourself, this dosn’t mean you can’t tell him about what you envisioned as your wedding and try to compromise.

    Post # 21
    Member
    11267 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    View original reply
    @NauticalDisaster:  i like this.

     

    yes, it is your wedding but if your father has offered to host a wedding in florida, you and your fi have 2 choices:  accept his offer and his terms or respectfully decline.

    there is no right or wrong.

    Post # 22
    Member
    346 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    If you accept his financial help, you accept his opinions. Most money has strings attached. My parents helped us and luckily they weren’t too demanding. The only debate we had was guest list but ultimately we gave into inviting a few people we didn’t plan on. 

    If your SO is not okay with your father having a say in most details (if you Dad wants to) then it’s probably best to have a wedding you two can afford on your own. Your Dad maybe willing to compromise on some stuff but I would think for sure he would want the wedding close to his family. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    3120 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’ve heard what SO wants and what your Father wants, but what do YOU want?

    Post # 24
    Member
    11267 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @veryberry13:  there is a fine line here.  it sounds like your father is offering to host a wedding for you; meaning he will be a large part of the planning and paying.  he is not simply offering to just hand over money and pay for your wedding. 

    definitely a difference but bottom line, respect the one paying.

    Post # 25
    Member
    2176 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    my parents paid for our reception and one of the stipulations was that it was close to my family/friends. one of the reasons they paid (and i was far from a ‘budget’ bride) was that they wanted to celebrate our marriage with the people who matter to them. they felt that it was rude to inconvenience guests with travel/time off etc (though in the end we did have a semi-destination about 2hr drive away)

    while i could have done really anything decor, color etc wise my parents were very strict on location (2.5hr drive max) and cost for hotel rooms (couldn’t be over $200)

    in the end im glad that i listened bc having everyone there was so much more important than some pretty view (though i will say we did have sn smazing location bc i busted my butt to find somethung that fit our vision and their rules)

    Post # 26
    Member
    5473 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Money comes with strings… if you don’t like the conditions then definitely plan on paying for your own wedding.

    Post # 27
    Member
    2831 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Money shouldn’t be given on a conditional basis.

    If you and your SO don’t wan’t a beach wedding but it’s the only way you dad will pay; pay for it yourself.

    Post # 28
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Everyone has an opinion, and I will say that in my personal wedding budget experience, it has saved a lot of headache to pay ourselves. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    3108 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    @veryberry13:  I think this is also your SO’s wedding. If he is not a beach person or prefers a mountain wedding you should go that way. BUT he should be willing to pay for it and not expect your dad to foot his dream wedding…

    Post # 30
    Member
    1409 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Maybe I’m crazy, but I think you could do both weddings. Elope and do the mountain wedding, and then do the beach wedding,  if that would fly. Or do a ceremony in the mountains, but not have it legal, then do Florida. Or do the beach wedding and have a vow renewal in the mountains, or the other way around, if your dad will still pay for it. In any case I think your parents will put on a nice engagement party in Florida. Yay options 🙂

    I’m lucky my parents and FI’s parents are being very generous but pretty much leaving it all up to us, but when it comes to guests our parents want, we really don’t care because they’re paying for the food and alcohol, not us.

    Post # 31
    Member
    1299 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    My parents are paying for my wedding, but I consider it a gift – a gift of giving me and my Fiance the wedding we want.  We’re having it close to where we’ll be living, even though my dad pushed for either a destination wedding (for some reason he thought I would want a beach wedding even though I HATE sand..?) or somewhere closer to where they and several of our relatives live.  I really didn’t want to have to deal with vendors that are hours away from where Fiance and I will be living, so I just explained our reasoning and what we really want.

    If your Fiance is very set on location, maybe propose other things you can compromise on to your dad.  But if he really won’t budge and your Fiance is adamant about location, you should side with you Fiance and pay for the wedding yourselves.

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