(Closed) Bride's Father Paying for Wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Father Paying for Wedding

    If your father is paying, it's appropriate for him to choose your home state

    Pay for it yourself

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  • Post # 33
    Member
    6518 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @veryberry13:  +1

    View original reply
    @FortiesFlare:  PP is absolutely correct. This is not just YOUR wedding, its SO’s too and if he doesn’t want to get married on a beach, then you must compromise. Don’t think about it in the sense that “well if Dad is gonna pay for it” no, this is your SO’s wedding as much as it is yours and you should meet in the middle

    Post # 34
    Member
    2890 posts
    Sugar bee

    I don’t think it’s still the father who pays for the bride. It’s not how it works in my family ! Maybe it still works that way in other families, but not that I know of (unless they’re wealthy). I’ve seen too many brides being pissed off about their parents wanting a say in every decision (they were the one paying) that it convinced me that the money, unless it’s offered as a cash gift, comes with expectations from the giver, and somehow it’s their right to do so. 

    As one PP said, if it means your wedding is free, go for it ! You and your SO could still have a mountain honeymoon or first anniversary. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @veryberry13:  If you accept your father’s offer of paying for it, I think he definitely has some say as to what happens, so to save the headache, I suggest respectfully declining his offer – let him know you truly appreciate it, but you have a different vision in mind, and therefore would prefer to pay for it yourself.

    Post # 36
    Member
    984 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I’m going to completely disagree with most people.. I think he shouldn’t have a say even if he is helping with money. My parents are paying for our venue, the same deal they’ve offered to my two siblings, and yet they’ve been very clear that this is our day and they won’t force us towards one venue over another. I think if money is being offered, it’s meant to be a gift – not conditional on doing things their way.

    Post # 37
    Member
    1692 posts
    Bumble bee

    @veryberry13:  Traditionally, the bride’s mother (or other nearest kinswoman) has the right to offer to host the wedding — “host”, not “pay for” or “contribute to” — and whomever the hostess was supported by if not by herself would pay for it.

    There is NO tradition — despite misleading websites that you might have read — that the bride’s father should pay for a wedding that his wife is not hosting. And “hosting” means taking full responsibility for all matters that may affect the guests’ safety, comfort and entertainment at the event; including choosing the guestlist and the venue. There is NO tradition requiring hostesses to share that responsibility, and in fact high sticklers for formal traditional etiquette frown on hospitality-by-committee.

    As the potential guests-of-honour, you and your boyfriend have the option of accepting or declining your kinswoman’s offer. If you decline the offer, then you need not expect her husband to pay for anything. He might give you some money for you to use yourself — he is, after all, your daddy as well as being your mother’s spouse — but that would be up to him. If you turn down your mother’s offer to host you should be prepared for her feelings to be hurt by that rejection, and you should be doubly aware that accepting someone else’s offer to host — such as your mother-in-laws if that should come about — will feel even more of a rejection.

    Post # 38
    Member
    679 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I agree with the majority that if your dad is willing to give you the money that he should have a say, but that doesn’t mean, IMO he has the right to demand (and it looks like in your update that’s not what he is doing).

    It makes sense to have it in Florida where the majority of the people are.  However, since it obviously is your FI’s wedding also, you have to respect his wishes too.

    I am the youngest of 4 girls and the last to get married.  My parents gave each of us a set dollar amount – not a ton, but hey, any little bit helps – and the ability to do what we wanted with it.  My oldest sister used that amount toward her huge reception, while another sister had a very small restaurant reception and applied the rest toward their honeymoon.  My parents could have been more forceful and demanded the money be used for specifically their wishes but fortunately didn’t do that.

    We don’t have a date set yet but Fiance and I talked about it this weekend and will most likely have a smallish wedding (100 people or so) and apply the money toward that.

    Post # 39
    Member
    3120 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @veryberry13:  I’m a traditionalist in that I like weddings that are in the bride’s hometown.  However, my brother married a girl from Alabama (we are from VA) and they got married in Charlotte, NC…a good middle ground for both families.  It worked well…they had it as more of a destination where all the events were in one place and we could mingle the entire weekend.

    Both families contributed financially.  

    Post # 41
    Member
    4810 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @FortiesFlare:   +1.  This.

    Post # 42
    Member
    7326 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    You pay, you play. If he pays for the wedding, with the conditions of having a beach wedding then that’s what it is. If you don’t like it, you pay and plan a wedding wherever you want.

    I have a friend going through the same thing. Her family does not have the means to contribute at all. His mom has graciously offered to pay for the wedding but the catch is that she didn’t like their choice of venue and insisted it be somewhere else. They personally can not afford more than a VERY simple and small wedding. I pretty much told her, you eitehr give in to Mother-In-Law or plan your own wedding. In the end, it was more important to them that they got to celebrate with all their family and friends and less important that they were choosing the details. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    889 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    @veryberry13:  I think it’s awesome that your dad is gung-ho on paying (and I would assume that means he’s in favor of your SO as well). I think the first thing to do would be to discuss it with your SO. He wants a mountain wedding…why is this important to him? Is it closer to his family, is it somewhere with some meaning to him/y’all? I’d want his input. And, as a PP said, since you’re becoming a wife and starting a life with him as your husband, I’d be inclined to side with your man (especially if your focus isn’t on the location but on the actual getting married part). Do you want to go to your dad’s free wedding that looks like what HE planned/wants, or to your own wedding that reflects you and SO? 🙂

     

    Maybe a compromise would be that you could have a mountain wedding that you guys pay for and have it 100% your way, and then if your dad is still intent that he contribute in some way AND that his contribution be at the beach, see if he’d like to throw a family get-together to celebrate.

    Post # 44
    Member
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @veryberry13:  This is a tricky situation.  Fiance and I have our own wedding account bc our parents just don’t have the $$ to pay for our wedding.  My dad surprised us and gave us some money to help out, which was awesome and we were not expecting but I was very hesitant at taking it.  My mom wants this to be “her” wedding enough right now and I was afraid if we took the money there would be no stopping her.  My dad finally convinced me to take it, but I told Fiance that the first time my mom throws it is my face that they helped us, we’re giving the money back. My mom fought with me for a while bc we are getting married in So-Cal (we live here, FI’s family lives here) bc she wanted us to get married in Nor-Cal (where my family is, I was born/raised) It took her a while to realize we weren’t getting married up there but she finally caved in.  I think you should just sit down and talk with your dad.  Tell him you guys want a moutain wedding, that its what you already decided and have your heart set on.  I think he’ll come around, even if it takes a while.  Or you can be like me and put the deposit down on the venue so that he can’t argue with that. LOL hopefully he’ll help you guys regardless of the fact it isn’t where he wants you guys to get married.

    Post # 45
    Member
    263 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I clicked “i like polls” because you dont have an option for – discuss this more with your father when the time comes. 

    I think when it comes down to it, your father will want to make the two of you happy, and make your wedding special regardless of location. My father is paying for my wedding and he has to fly 30 hours to be able to attend. We never even had to have the discussion over where the wedding is, because he’s just so excited that i’m marrying Fiance and that he’s finally getting a son! haha

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