(Closed) Bride's Father Paying for Wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Father Paying for Wedding

    If your father is paying, it's appropriate for him to choose your home state

    Pay for it yourself

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  • Post # 62
    Member
    7899 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    If you decide to let your father host, then as the HOST, he makes the decisions. If you and your SO aren’t happy with that, then pay for it yourself or see if you can come to some compromise.

    Aside from all that, I’d consider your guests and family–on both sides–when you choose a location, unless you are fine with having a small wedding that many guests can’t make it to. I would NOT go midle ground where everyone has to travel. It’s better for half the guests to have to travel than for everyone to have to travel.

    Just an aside, if you do go with South Florida for a beach wedding, the Pelican Grand on Fort Lauderdale Beach is amazing.

    ETA: you keep talking about what your SO wants to do, but what about you. Do you want a mountain river wedding? It should be your choice too.

    Post # 63
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @veryberry13:  I think that the best thing to do is to wait until you get engaged to make any big decisions.  Fantasize and dream all you want now, but realize that once logistics and family come into play, a lot of those fantasies may not be realistic.  In the course of our pre-engaged planning my Fiance and I thought about a wedding in the city we live in and a semi-destination wedding that would be in a cute bed and breakfast halfway between our families.  

    Ultimately, once we were engaged and actually started planning, we realized that for us, the most important thing was that the people that we loved could get there to see it, so we opted for my hometown where a huge part of my family still resides.  If we had it anywhere else then all of our guests would have to travel and stay in a hotel.  This way, only about 60% of our guests have to travel and many of them can stay in the homes of my extended family.

    Once we decided where we would have the wedding, my parents offered to host it and pay for the food and location, which is about 50% of the total wedding cost for us.  We were so thankful and accepted this, but understand that if we had chosen to have a wedding far away from them, they would never have made the same offer. 

     

    Post # 64
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    When someone is helping you financially I can understand why they feel as though they should get a say in what takes place; however, they do not have the right to hold you emotionally hostage with the things that they want. If accepting the money doesn’t allow you to have what both of you want then maybe you shouldn’t use it.

    Post # 65
    Member
    507 posts
    Busy bee

    My dad is paying for my wedding and does not put tons of conditions on it. What he does say, though, we would listen to. We also plan on celebrating his birthday a bit at the reception. I think that you should consider what is important to your families. I did not even want a big wedding, but my Fiance was on the fence and the families did. We went with it since we are not the ones giving the largest contributions. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    3245 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @veryberry13:  I just found this– I haven’t been on the Bee much lately, since I’m overwhelmed with school and work.

    But I am having fun poking around tonight, and I wanted to pop in and say hi. 🙂

    I think that there is some truth in the saying that “who pays, gets a say.” But it’s not your father’s wedding, it would be yours and your SO’s, so there really should be some flexibilty on where it is, no matter who pays, especially these days.

    Is there a way you could tactfully talk to your dad about this to find out how he feels? Like would he be willing to help out, and not pay for the whole thing and be OK with the two of you getting married where you want to get married?

    I have to have this conversation with my parents soon. They have hinted in the past that they expect to pay for my wedding; I’m very thankful for the offer, but am not cool with them paying for the whole thing, since I am trying super hard to be independent, and I don’t think they should have to foot the bill since they have been very generous towards me in regards to my education. And my SO has some money that he wants to spend on the wedding too. Urgh, another potentially prickly wedding topic.

    They seem to be happy that we’re engaged and took us out to dinner the other night to celebrate, and my mother even hugged my Fiance goodnight, which has basically never happened before! Progress!!

    I hope you can figure this out– family dynamics are tricky!

    How is the situation with your mom’s weird behavior? Have things been resolved? 🙂

    Post # 67
    Member
    659 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    If your dad is paying it shows respect and gratitude to have it where he would like :/

    Post # 69
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’d say that if someone is offering you money basically as a gift for your wedding that doesn’t mean that they have any control over any part of the wedding. It’s like giving a kid a paint set for Christmas, but telling them they are only allowed to paint pictures of puppies and not kittens. It just doesn’t make sense. Unless they say, “Here’s $2,000, but only if you follow these stipulations” I wouldn’t pay any attention to it.

    Post # 70
    Member
    1896 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Whoever pays gets a vote, but not necessarily a final vote.  My parents live in Colorado and I (with my Fiance and almost all our friends live in California).  My entire life my parent’s pushed (heavily) to have my wedding (to anyone) in Colorado near their house (akk!).  I was dreading ‘the talk’ when we got engaged, but when I calmly talked to my parents about what we wanted (Disneyland!) with all our friends and family, they were totally for it.  My advice is before delivering any emotional ultimatums sit down and have a calm talk with your father.  Discuss how you both feel (he may feel like you’re eloping and don’t want anyone involved, major rejection feelings), explain why you really want it that way and see if you can’t come to a compromise.  If he is paying then it is a bit unreasonable to not expect him to have any say (it sounds like he wants to be more than a checkbook which can be awesome), so make sure to negotiate boundries that you both feel comfortable with.

    PS- we’re doing a split, my parents are paying for half and we’re picking up the rest.

     

     

    Post # 71
    Member
    3245 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    @veryberry13:  Urgh, the situation with your family is troublesome enough to make going home seem like an issue to the therapist? Yikes. But I agree with you, not going home would probably not be cool and might make things harder (I’m a fan of complying with family holiday traditions fairly decently, I find it makes things much less dramatic in the long run!).

    Are you and SO getting a little closer to being engaged if you’re thinking so much/so openly about the wedding budget? (At least, it seems like it’s an open subject– correct me if I’m misremembering).

    Post # 73
    Member
    535 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I see 3 different sides of his. First, its your wedding and of course you want it your way. So it seems unfair that your dad would give you money with strings. Secind, it’s your dad’s money and he has every right to want a voicein the decisions. Third, what I read from your update is tthat,  should you choose to have a mountain wedding, your dad would be paying for him, your mom, brother and grandparents to attend. Plane tickets are $300 if you can find a good deal, at least 2 hotel rooms would be $150 a night. That’s almost $2000 for them to attend. So having it in Florida would allow him to put that money toward your wedding instead of toward travel.That, or you face the possibility that some of your family doesn’t attend.

    Post # 74
    Member
    659 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    My dad paid for pretty much the whole thing. He didn’t care what we did with the money. My mom had some opinions, but nothing major. They just wanted us to spend the money well. I agreed with all of their opinions anways, so there weren’t really any issues. 

    Post # 75
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @veryberry13: can i make a suggestion? I know from your post that you don’t really care where your wedding is, and I totally get that – it’s just exciting to know you’ve got the right guy and sometimes it seems like the rest of the details really don’t matter. But you really don’t want this issue to blow up into a huge family conflict, and your discussions with your SO and your dad might be more productive if you developed more of an opinion. Maybe do a little bit of research, just looking at pictures of weddings in the mountains (I’m assuming there’s a more specific location in mind?) and weddings in the area of Florida where you dad is suggesting, or if he has a particular venue in mind, look at pictures of it. I am eternally grateful to all the couples who got married in churches and had receptions in the area where we looked and allowed their photos and videos to be shared online. It made my life so much easier, because I could really get the feel for it, which helped me decide. So go look around, stalk some other brides’ photographs, and one place or another will probably speak straight to your heart. That will help you feel really good about your decision and, let’s face it, when there’s this much money involved, you really want to feel good about your choice. I’m guessing a bit of poking around on the internet will give you a gut feeling one way or another, and then you can have an open, honest conversation with your dad about what you both want. Good luck!!

     

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