Post # 1
I have a situation on my hands. Everything has been mostly smooth sailing until the invitations came along!
My parents, actually just my mother, made a request when I first started drafting my invites that her and my father were listed on the invites in the traditional way (Mother and Father request the pleasure at the marriage of their daughter etc). I was absolutely fine with this.
However I thought it would also be kosher to include my fiancé’s parents as well.
My parents are paying for mostly the whole wedding so they are the hosts. My fiancé’s parents are chipping in for the alcohol and my fiancé and I are paying for various other bits (dress, suit, and a heap of other bits).
I originally had fiancé’s parents listed under his name (Son of X & Y), however everyone involved agreed that sounded weird and stuffy.
My mother suggested they needn’t be on there at all, as tradition does not dictate they need to be. However I felt uncomfortable with this especially given they are contributing as best they can and I wanted to acknowledge that. But I took them off to keep her happy.
I showed my fiancé the new invite and he wasn’t happy that his parents were not included. It wasn’t much of an argument as I tended to agree with him.
So I had the conversation with my mother that I wanted fiancé’s parents listed on the invite and she agreed to it but I could tell she wasn’t happy about it.
Now she has just made a snide remark when I showed her the new draft asking ‘is everyone happy now?’.
FYI: fiancé’s parents are completely oblivious to all this, we haven’t asked them about it and just think that would cause unnecessary drama.
I don’t know what to do! What do you think is tradition? But more so, what is the kind way of doing things to keep everyone happy? Would love to know how everyone else handled similar situations!
Post # 2
We did not include DH’s parents on the invitation. They did not contribute, my parents paid 100%, and my circles are old school… If your name is on the invite, you gave $$.
If it makes your mom that unhappy, could you thank your ILs in a different way (considering they don’t seem to care)? On the programs? A sign by the bar they’re hosting?
Post # 3
Ask his parents if they want to be on the invite. If you’re lucky they won’t care. The invitation seems like a big deal up until the day of the wedding. Then you realize they really aren’t that important in terms of actual wedding/marriage. Your husband can also thank them in his toast.
Post # 4
hulahoops01: Though it may be tradition/proper etiquette, I have never liked the fact that only the parents who contribute financially get to have their names on the invitation. I think it can make one set of parents feel bad if they can’t contribute AND it announces that fact to all your guests. Tradition/etiquette should never be used to make anyone look or feel bad. Darling Husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves, our invites said “Together with their families, Jane Doe and John Smith….”. We felt it was important to recognize that both our families had raised and supported us, and were now celebrating with us.
Post # 5
If they are contributing, the are “hosting” and should be on the invite.
Post # 6
If your parents are hosting. It can say Mr. and Mrs…. invite you to the wedding of their daughter hoolahoops… to John Doe, son of…..
That way you know who’s hosting, but his parents are identified.
I don’t think its stuffy to have ‘son of.’ I always felt it was more appropriate. It seems off when the girl’s parents are mentioned but the guy comes from nowhere/has no parentage. Actually, I don’t like it when the man’s parents are left off. Based on the wording, it’s still obvious who’s hosting.
Post # 7
if you invitiation say. your parents invite you to the wedding of bride to groom son of his parents.
it does not imply that they are hosting. since they contributed, i think they should be on the invitation. if you parents are paying the majority and have a problem with this, put his parents names under the grooms name.
Post # 8
hulahoops01: If they’re contributing anything, which it sounds like they are, they should be on the invite.
I think your initial wording (son of so and so) is probably the safest and most traditional route. Both sets of parents contributed to our wedding almost equally, so ours was “Bride’s parents and Groom’s parents invite you to celebrate the marriage of their children” and then our names.
Honestly, I think your parents are being weird about this. There’s no reason his parent’s names shouldn’t be on the invite, too!
Post # 9
Personally, I’d include both…but with that said I don’t think there is a clear right and wrong. Although your parents contributed more, your partners parents still helped. Nobody is contributing to my wedding whatsoever, so if someone offered to pay for ‘just the alcohol’, I’d be over the moon! That stuffs expensive! i used to work in advertising and do newspaper annoucements of important engagements and weddings. Both parents names were always included. Something like ‘Together with Susan and Peter Doe and David and Sally smith, Bride and Groom request the pleasure of your company at their wedding’…obviously names are on new lines and the bride and grooms names appear centered and larger…but yeah. I’ve found wording like that to be rather typical.
Post # 10
We had both our parents and his parents listed, as they both contributed to the wedding. We had to different invits, as we had a small ceremony and large reception. Here is what we put on both:
As you can see, the reception one listed the names and the ceremony one just said parents. I don’t think I asked DH’s parents if they wanted to be listed, but just assumed that they would.
Post # 11
Contrary to popular belief, hosting and contributing are not one and the same. The host is basically the person/s planning the wedding, who you would go to if you had a question re said wedding, and they may or may not have contributed financially. In our case, while Mother-In-Law paid for the cake (around £450), my parents paid for the rest of the wedding (around £23k), and my fiance and I also paid for a few bits inc the rings, bridal party gifts, some of the stationery, etc, amounting to several thousand.
My parents, and us, were the hosts. We did all the planning, all the liasing with vendors, etc etc. So, we did not include OH’s parents on the invitation as, simply, despite contributing something financially, they were not the hosts and we didn’t feel it was appropriate. Now, if they had made a more significant contribution I may have included them to ‘keep the peace’, but as it was I really didn’t feel it necessary.
In your case, I would probably either leave them off (as it doesn’t sound like they are hosting), or go with the ‘son of’ wording, which personally I do’t think sounds too stuffy, particularly if you are using fairly traditional wording anyway.
Post # 12
I know this goes against “etiquette” but I think it’s silly to treat the invite as an advertisement for who contriubuted what. If anything it should be a way to let everyone know who loved you and supported you the most. They raised the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, that doesn’t merit a spot on the stationary? I”m sure you’ve thanked your parents profusely for their contributions. I’m sure they have your eternal gratitude and devotion as a daughter. Why do they need the invites to be a giant public acknowledgement of that? Especially one that’s exclusive and hurtful to your FILs?
Obviously I’m not a fan of etiquette and tradition in these types of situations, and I understand if you are. But I feel like it hurts more than it helps when it “dictates” that people you love get left out.
Post # 13
ohnoitslindsay: If anything it should be a way to let everyone know who loved you and supported you the most. They raised the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, that doesn’t merit a spot on the stationary?
Thats how I’ve always felt. Without those parents, there would not even be a union to celebrate.
Post # 14
hulahoops01: we did something similar to Kacie209: as it was important to my old school parents that they were listed as the hosts and I also wanted to notice my in-laws for their very large contribution as well. Since my parents paid for 80% of the wedding day/reception (all venue/food/drink) and my IL paid for the welcome reception the night before (full open bar, passed appetizers, DJ, photo booth etc so not at all insignificant – in fact it was close in cost to the actual wedding) as well as the rehearsal so I did two invites in a pocket fold (as well as a totally separate invite (sent directly by ILs) to the rehersal dinner that was for Bridal party, immediate family and a few special guests)
The “real” invite had similar wording to your first draft “mr & mrs Hostess invite you to the wedding of their daughter Little Miss to Darling Husband, son of … ” while the welcome reception invite said “Mr & Mrs IL invite you to a welcome reception…” and the rehearsal invite also said something like MR & Mrs In Laws invite you to a rehearsal dinner …”
I know its old school and formal but it was important to my parents and considering the generous gift they gave us I felt that it was the least that we could do (and to be honest I know that his parents were a bit hurt when my SIL didn’t mention them on her invite though they paid for the whole thing plus so I wanted to make sure they “got theirs” as well)
Post # 15
My parents are paying for the wedding, therefore they will be the only parents listed on the invitations as they are the hosts. Simple and straight forward. Out of curiosity – who is paying for the stationary for the wedding?