Post # 1
I recieved a text message from a good friend (named “S”) asking some advice on a situation she is in. S is a good person, with a big heart. Here’s what happened:
S is/was good friends with a girl we both went to high school with. When this girl recently got engaged S secretly hoped to be included in her special day. The bride explained she wanted to keep the bridal party family oriented so S would not take part. S was totally cool and understood the situation completely.
Last week the bride contacted S to meet at a local fast food place for a talk. S, believing she was no longer invited to the wedding which takes place this weekend was slightly nervous… S and the bride hadn’t spoken much in the weeks prior because the bride was wrapped up in work and wedding plans while S was suffering through a rough semester.
When she arrived to the restaurant the bride dropped sort of a bomb on her. Her MOH/SIL refused to be part of the wedding (for reasons unclear) and the bride wanted S to take her place.
S immediatley declined. S felt the bride was more concerned with having a Maid/Matron of Honor then having S be her Maid/Matron of Honor.
So.. my questions is- how should S handle this situation? I’m looking for other opionions. My intial reaction was she was correct to decline, but after thinking about it, I wonder if possibly she should have considered?- they were/are fairly good friends to my knowledge. Maybe the bride didn’t handle the situation as delicately as she should have because of stress?
Post # 3
Maybe I missed something, but why wasn’t S invited to the wedding as a guest? I understand the family only bridal party, and if it was clear that the bride and S were still close, and sharing lots of the wedding planning excitement together, but S just didn’t have a title / specific role, then this would make a lot more sense. But to go from not even being invited to being the Maid/Matron of Honor sounds shady to me… Was the guest list family only, too?
Post # 4
I’m with Chicat- Why wasn’t she invited to the wedding to begin with?
Post # 5
I think she should step in and be the Maid/Matron of Honor. That’s what friends are for.
And I think she was invitied, but was nervous for some reason she’d be uninvited.
Post # 6
Ouch, that is tough! If I were S, I probably would of said yes. I just know me, I’m not good at saying no, unless its absolutely necessary. If I were a more rational person, I’d ask for time to think about it. I’d say something like, “I’d love to fulfill that role, but with such short notice, I’d have to see if I’m available at that time”. The concern to me would be that the bride’s main concern is having symmetry, the same number of BM’s as GM’s. And not so much about having an opening and being thrilled to be able to include me afterall. But either way, attaching the Maid/Matron of Honor title to S seems silly, she wouldn’t have had the chance to do anything wedding related aside from showing up to the wedding! I’d like to give the bride the benefit of the doubt and assume she is just under stress and didn’t handle this situation well, I hope she’s not upset with S for declining. She went with her gut in a stick situation, who can blame her?
Post # 7
Sorry, what I meant by “included in her special day” was she was hoping she would be part of the wedding, like a bridesmaid or something. She was always invited to the wedding to attend as a guest.
Post # 8
I think she should accept, too. When family falls through, you have friends to lean on.
Post # 9
I don’t know, I understand the bride’s reasoning before in keeping it small. Probably she was trying to extend a branch to her future SIL by having her as a Maid/Matron of Honor and now that she won’t, the bride is probably crushed and just wants someone to be there and support her. I had to go with my third choice for my Maid/Matron of Honor because 2 people couldn’t do it. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t want the others in the wedding, just that I was keeping it small.
Post # 10
I think the reason she said no was because the bride never said she wanted S to be her Maid/Matron of Honor.. it came off as a last resort sort of thing. Like having a Maid/Matron of Honor was more important than having S be by her side.. if that makes sense. The bride is getting married this weekend so I’m pretty sure she’s under a HUGE amount of stress, ecspecially since her SIL refuses to attend 🙁 I think S had her feelings hurt.. I’m not sure if I should tell her to possibly reconsider or not.
Post # 11
I can see both sides of this story – I think ultimately it’s a personal issue for S to decide. The bride didn’t do anything wrong by choosing only family for the bridal party. But if it was very important for S to be in the bridal party, I can see why she would have felt hurt by the bride’s choice. And since it does seem to be a big deal for her, I can understand why she’s not up to stepping in to be Maid/Matron of Honor at the very last minute. I wouldn’t call her a horrible friend, though.
Post # 12
If the bride is willing to pay for the dress and take care of everything so all S has to do is show up to the rehearsal and wedding… your friend S should stand in as Maid/Matron of Honor.
The bride said she wanted to keep it small and in the family… it doesn’t look like any other of her close friends were in the bridal party either. It does sting to not be included in the party but there was good reasoning so if S was accepting it before she should be of it now.
It doesn’t seem like S has gotten over that at all and is in fact not okay with the fact that she wasn’t included or else she wouldn’t be feeling this way. I don’t believe that the bride is just picking S just out of desparation and as her friend… she should step up if the bride is willing to take care of everything.
If the bride expects S to pick up the tab then I would think that would be selfish and in that situation the motives WOULD be clear and S should decline.
Post # 13
Ah, thanks for clarifying. I was confused by this part: “S, believing she was no longer invited to the wedding which takes place this weekend was slightly nervous… S and the bride hadn’t spoken much in the weeks prior because the bride was wrapped up in work and wedding plans while S was suffering through a rough semester.” I thought she hadn’t been invited at all, but I think you were saying she had been invited and was afraid she was being uninvited.
To me it’s all about the relationship the bride and S have right now. If they’re still close, had talked about wedding stuff during the whole planning period, and only had a lapse in the last few weeks due to craziness in their lives, then I’d give the bride the benefit of the doubt and agree to be Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s understandable she wanted a family only party, and she’s probably really hurt by what happened with her SIL, and needs support. I wouldn’t think it’s fair to assume it’s just about symetry, because let’s face it, if you have bridesmaids and your Fiance has a best man and groomsmen, a logical question for guests to ask is “who’s the MOH?” And the bride likely doesn’t want to have the reminder of the painful SIL situation on her big day. If S is a true second choice, and the only reason she wasn’t a first choice was because of family, then I think she should say yes.
On the other hand, if they used to be close, but haven’t been for a while, and they hadn’t really talked all through the wedding process, and the last few weeks were a good representation of how far they’d drifted, then I’d decline just like your friend did. Because if she and S aren’t close anymore, it raises the question of why isn’t she asking one of her current close friends to stand up with her. It’s possible that she’s been a huge pain about the whole wedding, which is why her SIL dropped out and none of the girls who’ve seen the way she’s been acting want to step up. She might just be asking S because she knows S is reliable and will put out any fires that come up at the wedding that the bride doesn’t want to deal with, or just indulge any of her whims on her big day. If S feels like she’s not a true second choice, but more like a last resort, then I think declining is the right call.
Post # 14
I would have said no. The bride is using her a space-filler and that makes people feel like crap. So-called “friends” don’t ask their friends to fill a hole in the bridal party, they ask because they actually want their friend involved. I’m right on with her in saying no thanks.
Post # 15
I think she should except. I can understand why she wasn’t included originally but since she is such a close friend of the bride she should understand what she is going through and step up and be there for her. I wonder if the way she asked just came off wrong because she is under so much stress. My Fiance and I are in the process of losing a large chunk of our bridal party (family issues) and he is asking someone else to be his best man. I hope that this person says yes and realizes that Fiance looks at him as such an important person and that he made a mistake by not asking him to begin with.
Post # 16
Here is the update:
I talked to S and the situation is resolved. She doesn’t want to be maid of honor, but wanted to hear what I thought (and I didn’t know what to think because like everyone else can see both sides).
The bride’s actions were hurtful and it sounds like she was just trying to fill space… S wasn’t even invited to the bachelorette party. These two girls were very close before the bride got engaged and got busy (which is understandable.. what is not understandable is leaving your “best friend” out of a bachelorette party your other friends were invited to). I can see why S doesn’t want to step in and pay 200 dollars for a dress, 50 for hair, and prepare a heartfelt speech for someone who has left her out. It sucks, but I’m fairly certain their friendship is over. Bless the wedding beast. It brings out the worst in people.
Thanks for everyones opinions, it’s a crappy situation with a crappy outcome.