(Closed) Bride’s second choice for MOH?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe I missed something, but why wasn’t S invited to the wedding as a guest?  I understand the family only bridal party, and if it was clear that the bride and S were still close, and sharing lots of the wedding planning excitement together, but S just didn’t have a title / specific role, then this would make a lot more sense.  But to go from not even being invited to being the Maid/Matron of Honor sounds shady to me…  Was the guest list family only, too?

Post # 4
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m with Chicat- Why wasn’t she invited to the wedding to begin with?

Post # 5
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I think she should step in and be the Maid/Matron of Honor. That’s what friends are for.

And I think she was invitied, but was nervous for some reason she’d be uninvited.

Post # 6
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ouch, that is tough!  If I were S, I probably would of said yes.  I just know me, I’m not good at saying no, unless its absolutely necessary.  If I were a more rational person, I’d ask for time to think about it.  I’d say something like, “I’d love to fulfill that role, but with such short notice, I’d have to see if I’m available at that time”.  The concern to me would be that the bride’s main concern is having symmetry, the same number of BM’s as GM’s.  And not so much about having an opening and being thrilled to be able to include me afterall.  But either way, attaching the Maid/Matron of Honor title to S seems silly, she wouldn’t have had the chance to do anything wedding related aside from showing up to the wedding!  I’d like to give the bride the benefit of the doubt and assume she is just under stress and didn’t handle this situation well, I hope she’s not upset with S for declining.  She went with her gut in a stick situation, who can blame her?

Post # 8
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think she should accept, too. When family falls through, you have friends to lean on.

Post # 9
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t know, I understand the bride’s reasoning before in keeping it small.  Probably she was trying to extend a branch to her future SIL by having her as a Maid/Matron of Honor and now that she won’t, the bride is probably crushed and just wants someone to be there and support her.  I had to go with my third choice for my Maid/Matron of Honor because 2 people couldn’t do it.  It doesn’t mean that I didn’t want the others in the wedding, just that I was keeping it small.

Post # 11
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I can see both sides of this story – I think ultimately it’s a personal issue for S to decide. The bride didn’t do anything wrong by choosing only family for the bridal party. But if it was very important for S to be in the bridal party, I can see why she would have felt hurt by the bride’s choice. And since it does seem to be a big deal for her, I can understand why she’s not up to stepping in to be Maid/Matron of Honor at the very last minute. I wouldn’t call her a horrible friend, though.

Post # 12
179 posts
Blushing bee

If the bride is willing to pay for the dress and take care of everything so all S has to do is show up to the rehearsal and wedding… your friend S should stand in as Maid/Matron of Honor.

The bride said she wanted to keep it small and in the family… it doesn’t look like any other of her close friends were in the bridal party either. It does sting to not be included in the party but there was good reasoning so if S was accepting it before she should be of it now.

It doesn’t seem like S has gotten over that at all and is in fact not okay with the fact that she wasn’t included or else she wouldn’t be feeling this way. I don’t believe that the bride is just picking S just out of desparation and as her friend… she should step up if the bride is willing to take care of everything.

If the bride expects S to pick up the tab then I would think that would be selfish and in that situation the motives WOULD be clear and S should decline.

Post # 13
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ah, thanks for clarifying.  I was confused by this part: “S, believing she was no longer invited to the wedding which takes place this weekend was slightly nervous… S and the bride hadn’t spoken much in the weeks prior because the bride was wrapped up in work and wedding plans while S was suffering through a rough semester.”  I thought she hadn’t been invited at all, but I think you were saying she had been invited and was afraid she was being uninvited.

To me it’s all about the relationship the bride and S have right now.  If they’re still close, had talked about wedding stuff during the whole planning period, and only had a lapse in the last few weeks due to craziness in their lives, then I’d give the bride the benefit of the doubt and agree to be Maid/Matron of Honor.  It’s understandable she wanted a family only party, and she’s probably really hurt by what happened with her SIL, and needs support.  I wouldn’t think it’s fair to assume it’s just about symetry, because let’s face it, if you have bridesmaids and your Fiance has a best man and groomsmen, a logical question for guests to ask is “who’s the MOH?”  And the bride likely doesn’t want to have the reminder of the painful SIL situation on her big day.  If S is a true second choice, and the only reason she wasn’t a first choice was because of family, then I think she should say yes.

On the other hand, if they used to be close, but haven’t been for a while, and they hadn’t really talked all through the wedding process, and the last few weeks were a good representation of how far they’d drifted, then I’d decline just like your friend did.  Because if she and S aren’t close anymore, it raises the question of why isn’t she asking one of her current close friends to stand up with her.  It’s possible that she’s been a huge pain about the whole wedding, which is why her SIL dropped out and none of the girls who’ve seen the way she’s been acting want to step up.  She might just be asking S because she knows S is reliable and will put out any fires that come up at the wedding that the bride doesn’t want to deal with, or just indulge any of her whims on her big day.  If S feels like she’s not a true second choice, but more like a last resort, then I think declining is the right call.

Post # 14
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would have said no.  The bride is using her a space-filler and that makes people feel like crap.  So-called “friends” don’t ask their friends to fill a hole in the bridal party, they ask because they actually want their friend involved.  I’m right on with her in saying no thanks.

Post # 15
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think she should except. I can understand why she wasn’t included originally but since she is such a close friend of the bride she should understand what she is going through and step up and be there for her. I wonder if the way she asked just came off wrong because she is under so much stress. My Fiance and I are in the process of losing a large chunk of our bridal party (family issues) and he is asking someone else to be his best man. I hope that this person says yes and realizes that Fiance looks at him as such an important person and that he made a mistake by not asking him to begin with.

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