Post # 1
So after posting my question here, and getting unsolicated advice, I have to write soemthing else about this topic. I asked a question if I had a right to be upset with my sister for not wanting to help with my wedding, Then I was told it wasnt my wedding but a vow renewal cuz I was already married. So here is my rant.
WHo says (and screw etiquette!!!) you cant have a wedding eventhough you are already. In this day and age, many people dont do things the traditional way so why cant a girl have her dream wedding 1,2 ,3 ,4 ,5 years after her JOP ceremony. I dont get it! Why do people have to be so judgemental about it. If someone wants to have a WEDDING eventhough they are already, let them do it without the criticism of its not the right thing to do. Why isnt it right? Why isnt it right to want to share the special day with ALL your friends and family. Most people have a JOP thing for a reason. Some because they dont want a big wedding, and others because of finacial reasons at the time, some cuz of military reasons, and some for health reason. So whos to say 5 years later when someone is in a better finacial position or just in a better position in general they cant have thier dream wedding. Why cant they wear the wedding dress they’ve always wanted? I think its stupid and obsurd to criticize someone for wanting to share her special day with everyone. When you get married in the courthouse, it is simple. Yes you become husband and wife and have legally wed, but if you cant have a wedding right then, you shouldnt be criticized for wanting to do it later. I am writing this because I am in this situation now. And the more and more I read of people being so snippy and rude about girls posting about thier wedding is pissing me off. The word WEDDING is just a word. The ceremony is when you commit to each other. Why cant a girl dream big and have her big wedding after being married especially if she never had the chance to do it the day of the ceremony. Going to the JOP is just the legal side. The wedding, I beleive is the whole reason why people want to have a wedding, the fancy party, the big dress, the first dance. No one should take that away from a bride if thats what she wants. Having a wedding eventhough you are already is not tacky. No one is forcing people to bring gifts, its just a way to have everyone together to celebrate thier marriage, whethere they were married 4 years ago or 18 years ago. I wish people would stop being so pompous and act like its wrong. Its not WRONG. For any brides who are already married but want the big wedding, go ahead and do it! Have your dream wedding (not vow renewal)! Dont let other people discourage you because in some book somehwere its says its not proper. “F” the etiquette book!
Post # 3
No one was criticizing you for wanting a wedding, we were just saying that people might be more cooperative if you call it vow renewal.
Post # 4
Honey, if you are already married, it’s not a wedding. This is not etiquette, it’s a technicality. “Why cant a girl dream big and have her big wedding after being married” is redundant. I am curious as to what you have against vow renewal? Its the same party…as for taking it away from a bride. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE, you were before you legally vowed yourself to someone. Sorry, I am not trying to be rude, you’re just not really reality based.
Are you ashamed of the term ‘vow renewal’ or something? I don’t understand why it’s so offensive to you.
edit – and I say this as someone who is legally getting hitched before my public commitment ceremony.
Post # 5
But why does it have to be a vow renewal? WHy cant it be my wedding. When people have a jop thing more than likely there are onlya few people there. So how would you not want to celebrate it with everyone. Why is it so bad to want to call it a wedding?
Post # 6
From wikipedia: A wedding is the ceremony in which two people are united in marriage or a similar institution.
When you do your JoP ceremony, you are united in marriage, period. The party, the festivities, and all that stuff, that’s not the wedding. Once you have the JoP ceremony, you are wed. Like it or not, that’s the definition of the word and quite frankly the most likely reason you are getting so much pushback.
Compare it to a birthday. Say my birthday is May 15. I can get away with having a party the weekend before or the weekend after, but I couldn’t throw a birthday party in August. Why? Because that’s not my birthday.
I don’t think anyone on the other thread was saying you can’t have a big celebration, only that you can’t quite call it a Wedding because— you guessed it— it’s not when you are getting wed. And because you are not getting wed, you are not a bride and your male counterpart is not a groom. You are already husband and wife. So some of the things and rituals traditionally associated with a wedding, such as bridesmaids, bachelorette parties, and showers, are off-limits to you. Gifts should be left to the discretion of the guests.
Like it or not, that is the meaning of the word and those are the societal norms. You are, of course, free to host any kind of party you’d like including a birthday party when it’s not your birthday, or a wedding when you’ve already wed. But planning something that is more in line with the actual event will likely evoke more enthusiasm and excitement from your guests.
Post # 7
Yes but they usually have just a ‘reception’ afterwards, not a ‘wedding’.
Post # 8
You can do whatever you want. Just know how others will look at it. You can’t expect people to pretend like you haven’t already been married. That’s just insane.
I’ve waited along time to make it official. I didn’t do it when we needed the insurance. I didn’t do it for other benefits. I’ve waited patiently and a long time to do it the way “I feel” is right. Doesn’t mean you are wrong. Just means I’m doing it my way, so go ahead and do it your way. But realize everyone has an opinion one way or another, just don’t force others to pretend against what they believe in. If they aren’t supporting you, whether its the first or 20th time you are marrying this person, they aren’t going to support you. Move on.
Post # 9
@missdorado26: You only get one wedding to one person (i.e., you can have another wedding if there’s a new groom after a divorce). By saying you get multiple weddings, it kind of seems insulting to people who go to the courthouse and have their intimate ceremony there. Since you are already married, you can’t get married again – it’s a black-and-white situation – either you are married, or you aren’t. You have said the vows, so saying them again makes them a renewal.
Just my opinion.
Post # 10
Because it isn’t a wedding. You are already married.
For your logic to work, you would have to have not considered yourself married for all this time, which you clearly have.
What is so bad about calling it a vow renewal? You can still make it as big and elaborate as you want to.
Post # 11
We had some friends who had to get married at the justice of the peace for reasons related to the groom’s deployment.
A few months later, they had a beautiful ceremony and reception, identical to a “traditional” wedding.
Honestly, the only difference was that on their invitation, instead of being invited to witness their union in marriage, we were invited to witness their renewal of vows — as they’d already been united in marriage.
It was one small, semantic difference. Aside from that, it was like any other wedding, beautiful and full of love.
Post # 12
No its not that im against vow renewal if I already got to wear a wedding dress, and dance the first dance type thing. Since I never had any of that, and apparently its tacky to wear a wedding dress and dance the first dance at a vow renewal thats why Im calling it a wedding. They say you shouldnt do somet things at a vow renewal so thats why i dont want to call my day a vow renewal.
Yes I Legally married but a wedding (reception) is different to me. The legal side is the ceremony at the JOP. It would be different if i had a small “wedding” already and then wanted another bigger one later. But my point is that I NEVER had any of the sutff that goes with the wedding process. So shoot me for wanting that!
Post # 13
@missdorado26: Why can’t you have all that at a vow renewal? Makes sense to me to want to share the moment with friends and family. Nothing wrong with renewing your vows!
Post # 14
@missdorado26: Like I said, my friend wore the dress, the veil. They had the reception and the dances. Literally, the only difference was that during the ceremony, they acknowledged that they were saying their vows again in front of family and friends.
Post # 15
Is this a rant or are you trying to change the minds of others? I don’t understand why you feel the need to be so defensive about the words used to describe the ceremony. Wedding or Vow Renewal. Either way, both exist and neither is something to be ashamed of. Acting so defensive about it, though, makes it seem like you’re losing sight of the meaning behind it all – committing yourself for a lifetime to the person you love.
Post # 16
I’ve known people to get married at the JOP and then have a big wedding with cermony and reception a few months later. So I don’t have a problem with the idea of having a big wedding after going to the JOP. However, I personally think anything over 2 years is too long to be calling it a wedding. At that point it could be an anniversary party.