Post # 1
I hope that all is well for you today! I have an issue that’s been stressing me out a bit and thought maybe you would have some good advice (since you always do!)
When my love first proposed to me last March, he planned to ask his best friend (N) to be in the wedding party and told me it would mean a lot to him to include N’s wife as well. I happily obliged, since they were close friend’s of ours and so we asked them both to be in the wedding over dinner and they were very excited.
Flash forward a few months later, N decided the marriage wasn’t working out and left and is now dating a much younger woman. This puts all of our friendships sort of in a weird place, and there is a lot of drama between the couple. I love them both and would love to have them share in our day…however there is a lot of hurt and anger and I feel it would cause some tension that might cause some anxiety on what should be the happiest day of our lives.
My fiance wants his friend N to be in the wedding no matter what. This leaves me with a decision to make, do I continue having N’s ex-wife in the bridal party, knowing that a catfight might break out on the dance floor when she sees him with said younger woman, or some words (fists?) might be exchanged…or do I ask her to back down gracefully, though she didn’t do anything that would warrant me to do so?
I feel so guilty asking someone to be in the wedding and then reversing the invitation. Would that mean I do not invite to the wedding at all as the same drama ‘might’ break out? We already had an engagement party and my fiance was so disappointed as N did not attend since his ex-wife would be there. I will be a good friend and listen everyday until the wedding, but is it selfish of me to want that one day to be blissfull and worry-free?
Post # 3
Oy….that’s hard. What are her thoughts on the matter?
Post # 4
Honestly, she might be relieved if you give her an “out” because she may be just as worried about being in the wedding as you are. She probably won’t want to be at an event where her ex is going to be. I think you could talk to her honestly and explain the situation and how you think it might be better if maybe she did not attend. See how it goes. Good luck!
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
Could you talk to your friend and explain the situation? Maybe she could promise you to be drama-free at your wedding, since it is, after all, YOUR wedding…? This sounds like a really tough situation, I’m sorry!
Post # 6
I think you should ask N’s ex wife what she wants. If she thinks she can be there and act classy, let her. If she doesn’t think she can handle it, that’s her choice, too. You’ve already asked her, so see how she feels.
Post # 7
I definitely do no think you should ask her to step down. If she had left him, maybe. But her husband left her for a younger woman and the LAST thing she needs is to feel like he is stealing her friends away too. If I were you I would just talk to her about the situation and tell her that as your friend you would love for her to stand up with you on your day but if she thinks that it would be hard to get through the day without drama then you are 100% okay with her stepping down and just being a guest or even missing the wedding. Give her some credit that she can handle the situation. The only way I’d change my mind here is if they got into a disruptive argument during another event (thus displaying that they can’t be trusted to act as adults).
Post # 8
I would talk to N’s wife and ask her how she feels about the situation. Also discuss with your Fiance about talking with N. I think that N should NOT bring the new woman (or any date) to the wedding. Not only out of respect for his ex-wife, but also out of respect for you and your Fiance. He should want to try and help you celebrate your wedding, not cause potential drama.
ETA: Obv if N isn’t allowed to bring a date, then N’s ex-wife shouldn’t be allowed either.
Post # 9
This happened to us, but it was also my bro who was married to his sister! They stepped down voluntarily and are trying to work on their marriage now, its easiest if they step down and keep your wedding drama free, its you day not theirs.
Post # 10
This same thing happened to me and my ex. The couple asked us both to be in their wedding. They really were friends more with him then me but they knew we’d have to travel and such and wanted even numbers etc etc.
We broke up about 6 months before the wedding. We didn’t talk at all until at the wedding. We both remained in the wedding party. I would have backed out if given the chance but now I’m glad I didn’t. They aren’t friends any more and it’s been 10 years. I’ve remained in contact with them and have gone to visit at least once every two years. They are coming to my wedding next month and I can’t be any happier/excited to see them!
My ex and I did get into a little tif at their wedding but it was away from the reception even on a different level of the hotel. I had called it an early night and he came following trying to talk. So I don’t think anyone knew this happened except two of the GMs because they saw him following me and later came to check on me.
I would say call her and ask her how she feels.
Post # 11
I would say, talk to N’s ex-wife and ask her what she would like to do. Just let her know that you wouldn’t be at all offended if she didn’t feel like she could go through with being a bridesmaid. She might thank you to no end for giving her an out.
I agree with otb in saying that your Fiance should talk to N about not bringing a date to the wedding. I understand that he wants him to be there, but you guys want to make sure there isn’t a ton of drama that is going on the day of the wedding. Just say that you’re both trying to do your part in being friends with each of them, and you’re just trying to make sure your wedding day is drama free.
Hopefully things will work out, and who knows…by that point, N’s ex might even be dating someone new!
Post # 12
I agree that you should ask her about her thoughts on all this and completely leave it up to her. I wouldnt personally ask her to back down because she has done nothing to you to cause this situation. That is for sure a very hard situation to be in and to be honest I really feel for her.
Post # 13
Thank you all so much for your wonderful feedback. I’ve been considering those options myself. While I would love to trust that N’s ex-wife will be the classiest of ladies at the wedding, I’m still honestly nervous about a cat fight breaking out. N is my fiance’s best friend and things with his ladyfriend have been very serious, the wedding is 7 months away and if they’ve been together almost a year by then, I would feel guilty not inviting his lady, she’s very nice.
On the other hand, I did ask N’s ex to be part of the day as well, moreso for my fiance…but she has quite a temper and even if she says she would still love to be a part of our special day, I know I will still worry about her starting a tiff with her ex or his new lady.
The dress has to be ordered by the end of next month in order to ensure delivery, I just want to have a game plan before I call, since I’ve been so nervous to have the conversation either way.
Post # 14
I would agree with the other bees to not ask her to step down, I would go as far as to say don’t even say anything to her, if she is anyway uncomfortable with the situation, I hope that you would trust her to bring it up to you and ask that you have someone else taking her spot. Its not her fault that her ex left her for someone else and to ask her would seem to be punishing her. Which would make her feel even more powerless, she needs your support and your understanding and you are being a good friend for considering all of these.
Post # 15
I’d say try giving her an out and if she doesn’t take it, then don’t invite N’s new gf. That way there won’t be that sort of a fight. And limit alcohol consumption definitely, even if only N is there.
Post # 16
Thank you all so muchfor being such wonderful bees!
Just to put some closure on this thread…I had met with my bridesmaid to talk to her about the situation and she had told me that I needed to tell her ex he wasn’t allowed to bring his girlfriend of almost a year now to the wedding or she would not be a part of our day, and would not want to be friends with my fiance and us anymore. I had told her we loved them both and were not taking sides, and I had left it between my bridgesmaid N and her ex husband N to work out the details who would or would not be coming with a date.
N decided that she was not going to come to the wedding (she told a mutual friend, not us) and hasn’t spoken to my fiance or I since.
I guess things have a way of working themselves out. I now know that maybe N wasn’t a very good friend to begin with, and to be honest, there has not been any drama, wedding-related or otherwise since she backed out…it’s been smooth sailing all the way 🙂 Now we are just looking forward to an amazing day surrounded by the people that love us and all get along.