Bridesmaid and partner issues

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You cannot have her as a bridesmaid and then not invite her partner, they have a child together. IMO you’re going to cause a bigger rift just because you don’t want to invite the SO than if you don’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. 

Post # 3
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

you shold invite them both, you already know he is not going to go. he sounds like a jack ass, but its better for it be formal and him decline and your friend go then only inviting him and he gets bothered.

Post # 4
7931 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You cannot invite her without including her SO. They are a long term and serious relationship and are a social unit, whether you like it or know him or not. You cannot disrespect her relationship while asking her to honor your own.

If you feel less close to her or that the friendship has run its course, then don’t have her as a maid and don’t invite her. If you want to keep her in your life in any way, though, it would be hard to have the other two friends as bridesmaids and leave her out. Think about the long-term relationship with her. Do you want to try to salvage it, or has it runs its course? Not inviting her and probably not having her as a bridesmaid is probably friendship-ending, but is that bothersome to you?

Post # 5
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
happyaslarry :  One of the worst things you can do to a victim of domestic violence is to exclude their partner. I know it sounds horrible to think about including the abuser but when the victims friends start excluding the abuser it typically goes two ways. 1. The abuser takes the slight out on your friend and 2. It gives the abuser ammunition to isolate the victim. See I told you your friends are horrible people.

I think you need to also stop making ths about your wedding. You need to be there and help your friend. Invite them places so she can see healthy couples behaviour. Talk to her about how she is feeling and do not bad mouth her partner.

The abuse cycle is a very complex thing for the victim. They do and feel things that someone not caught in the cycle cannot understand. It might be worth taking to a helpline about how best to support your friend.

Post # 6
4798 posts
Honey bee

Invite both or neither.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  Be the bigger person.  Not inviting him is petty.  If he truly has no interest in you he’ll likely decline anyway.

However, I’m truly confused by your statement that you suspect she is in an emotionally abusive relationship and the rest of your post about then excluding her spouse.

If you suspect that, then why would you ostracize her more?  Why would you create potential issues for her by purposely disrespecting her relationship?  If what you suspect is true, then not inviting him doesn’t punish him – it punishes her.  It forces her to take sides and gives him all the more reason to try to isolate her from you.

Post # 7
559 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
j_jaye :  YES x100. I am at a really hard place right now because my friend just dropped out of being a bridesmaid because I confronted her about not really feeling like she was being a realiable bridesmaid. She has flaked on every single wedding activity (shower, dress shopping, and now bachelorette planning) because of her boyfriends high demands. I didn’t say anything about him but she knows her reasons and excuses for not making it revolve around him. But they have a child together and he’s not going anywhere any time soon. I KNOW she’s being emotionally abused so I hold my tongue about how I feel about him a lot because I fear that the day he crosses that line he will have isolated her from all the friends and family that could help. I don’t like him, FH can’t stand him either, and we’re not stoked about having him around on my wedding day but he’s still invited. Don’t severe that connection with your friend, just swallow your pride because you love her even if it is your wedding day. 

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