(Closed) Bridesmaid backed out

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

That sucks. at least she told you now, not closer to the date. It sounds like she is trying to please her husband (who knows what the reason is). It sounds like there is more there than the birthday but she is using that as an excuse.

Post # 47
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

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FutureMrsCalloway:  If you pride yourself in having amazing friends, and you don’t really stir up conflict with friends, I think its OK to be mad / disappointed / upset – but just leave it at that.  If you guys have a strong friendship, you should also be able to talk about it (which you have).  If she’s not normally the type of person to flake out, then I think give her the benefit of the doubt that she did try to make things work and had to make a decision.  

A friend of mine had to back out of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man a few months before the wedding (for financial reasons and couldn’t find work for months, and she was in a different country), and the bride was livid – they didn’t talk for almost a year.  I think its a totally understandable situation, whereas the bride didn’t see it that way because “she promised”.  This all depends on how people see it – there’s a mix of people on here that woudl be really mad, others are sympathetic on both sides, others are taking the BM’s side.  

How do YOU feel about it?  If you got more upset after a bunch of people are taking your side – maybe its time to take a step back and see whats important to YOU (and no one else).

  • This reply was modified 7 years ago by maocat.
  • This reply was modified 7 years ago by maocat.
Post # 48
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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FutureMrsCalloway:  you have every reason to be upset, but your friend is doing the right thing.  If this couple came to your wedding, they probably wouldn’t be enthusiastic guests.  Her husband wants to celebrate his birthday in Florida, perhaps that is selfish, but coming to your wedding and resenting you would be passive aggressive and far more detrimental.  Let this go and have a wonderful wedding!

Post # 49
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I don’t care to go into details about my situation, but my bridesmaid backed out 3 months before the wedding VIA TEXT. So, I share in your sentiments that things like this should be handled over the phone. It makes it that more upsetting when a person doesn’t have the guts to pick up the phone and make the call, and feels like it’s ok to let someone know this over a text message.

At the end of the day, as long as your Fiance is at the other end waiting for you, that’s all that matters.

Post # 50
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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FutureMrsCalloway:  I totally hear ya and I’m sorry that your friend backed out after committing to be a bridesmaid. Depending on your level of friendship, I’d just be honest with her and say that you’re upset about it because you were counting on her being there for your big day, but you understand her decision to do the family bday trip instead. That’s what I did when one of my bridesmaids backed out last minute for my bachelorette trip. She was 3 mos. pregnant and while she didn’t have any traveling restrictions, she felt too tired to be having a girls’ weekend even though it was going to be a tame one, hehe. It hurt because I knew that if she REALLY wanted to, she could have been there, but she wasn’t prioritizing me or the trip. Similarly, for whatever reason, your friend is prioritizing something else. It sounds like you guys are doing well so far with communicating and the friendship shouldn’t be affected too much.

Post # 51
Member
5641 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

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FutureMrsCalloway:  I discussed with my Fiance and if rolls were reversed, he wouldn’t expect me to back out at all and would tell me absolutely no you made a committment so stick to it. People are just different though!

People evolve and priorities change as you move past stages in your life.  You haven’t been in her position as of yet, so what you think you would do now, may change once you are married and committed to your immediate and extended family.  From where I stand now, I would do my best to comply with a committment to be in a wedding made to a close friend 3.5 months ago, but events I consider relevant (which may differ from what others consider relevant) could very well trump the wedding, regardless if they developed after I agreed to be in it.

I can understand being disappointed and even discussing it with her if that will help you to not keep a grudge, but in the end you need to move past this.

Post # 52
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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FutureMrsCalloway:  you aren’t being ridiculous. It’s not her saying she can’t make it that sucks. It’s the telling you differently and then backing out when the situation really didn’t change. Sorry you have to deal with this

Post # 53
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

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FutureMrsCalloway: I was totally in the mindset of she’s rude, no excuse, end of story. But then I reread carefully, “She made a commitment 4 months ago and knew 3.5 months ago the wedding would be on her husbands birthday.” She made the commitment before she realized it would be on her husband’s 30th birthday. That kind of puts her in a tough spot because no friend wants to back out of being Bridesmaid or Best Man, and I could understand her backing out at that point. But if she was going to back out due to that, she should have done it at that time or shortly after finding out the day. Not 3.5 months later. If she truly had every intention of being in the wedding even though it was on her husband’s birthday until the Florida trip got brought up, that is 100% wrong. Not even a question. When Florida got brought up she and her husband should have said she was standing in a wedding that day, and it was not possible. How about the next or prior week? I’d distance myself too. 

Post # 54
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I don’t know. I’d be hurt and let it go. Honestly, some people find weddings important and others find birthdays important. I put my family above all others, so I would pick the birthday too. I understand your wedding is important to you, but just like you can’t change your wedding date, he can’t change the day he was born. I don’t celebrate my birthday on any day other than my birthday. I feel like that’s just eating cake and celebrating on a normal day. Maybe they feel this way. I wouldn’t confront her, nor do I think either of you are selfish. Just different priorities. 

Post # 56
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

How lame! She knew the date well in advance and obviously knew it was her husbands birthday. When his family suggested a party, she should have said they couldn’t, as they were attending a close friend’s wedding. Not even attending, but IN a close fiend’s wedding! Seriously? Iits not like its her husband’s 75th birthday… I don’t see how a birthday is that big of a deal. Better off without her I think

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