(Closed) bridesmaid backing out

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think she id demanding a lot of you rather it’s the other way around. I’ve don’t have kids. But I’ve babysit my neices and nephews and sometimes even have them on weekends and they are older then your nephew and it’s a trail just getting on the train and around the city, I can’t imagine how it would be flying overseas. While it would be nice for your sister to come, destination wedding plus toddler plus a baby on the way I can see why she prefer not to. If the wedding were local I would think she was making up excues. Seeing as it isa destination wedding she reaised points which I think are pretty reasonable. I also think it’s rude of you to expect your Bil and Nephew to go to your wedding, and leave her home because she pregnant may not be up to flying or handling a long trip like that with her kid. There are her family and I can see why she wouldn’t want them to do that.

I think you guys have a little time, and I would ask her to keep an open mind,see who she is feeling and then and make a firm decision closer to the wedding date.

Post # 5
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

@lilz:  I would be sad as well if my sister/bridesmaid wouldn’t come to my wedding, but in all honesty I don’t know if I would want to go for a trip overseas (is the wedding in France?) with a toddler, and being pregnant on top of that. For example, I’d be worried to be abroad just in case somethig happened to the unborn baby and I had to go to the hospital, without speaking the language etc. It is also a very stressful situation, and perhaps she doesn’t feel like taking any risks with her pregnancy. Also, how far is she in her pregancy? Maybe she will be more than 4 months along in 4 months.

In any case, I understand your disappointment, which I think it’s caused mostly by the fact that most of your family is not coming to your weeding.. but maybe you can convince somebody else to come to replace your sister?

Post # 6
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yay, another Franco-American bee! I can understand where you are coming from – I’m having a guest list of 80 people for the wedding, but only 20 of them are for my side. Is the wedding in France, or is it in a neutral country? If it’s in France, it is normal that the guest lists sizes are not the same – I’ve had two American friends get married in France, and the turn out rate for family was pretty small, mostly just parents and siblings. Going to the other weddings kind of lowered my expectations, so when most of my family couln’t make it, I wasn’t surprised. Also, keep in mind that in France they don’t have Bridesmaid or Best Man the same way they do in the US, so the French aren’t going to pay attention what so ever if you are missing one. 

As for your sister…yes I can understand it, but I’m not surprised. I did put in a lot more effort into my sister’s wedding (did the whole traddtional Bridesmaid or Best Man thing and threw her a bridal shower at a spa, and I’ve only asked her to show up in green dress of her choice), but that is just part of getting married in a forign country for me. I made the choice to live in France, so I don’t expect her to change her wedding requirements because I’m not in the country, but at the same time because I know how hard it is I haven’t asked her to do the same. What did bother me was my Brother-In-Law was going to back out (after all the tickets and hotels were purchased, and they weren’t paying for a lot if it cause my parents said they’d cover the costs) because “he didn’t like Paris,” even though he has never been… There is always one. 

At the end of it, you have to realize that while you would be thrilled if people came, it is a lot to ask of them. If your sister doesn’t want to come for whatever reason, fine, that is her choice of what to do with her time and money, and hopefully she can live with the fact she didn’t show (I probably wouldn’t want to travel to a country I didn’t speak the language either if there was a problem…). Focus on the man you are going to marry, and enjoy the company of those who did put the effort into making it. 

PM me if you want to talk more, and good luck!

Post # 8
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@lilz:  Yeah I invited around 35 – 40 people from the US, and I got about 12. I thought that was pretty high, I really didn’t expect anyone to show lol. I was reading it again, and I think the issue with your sister is not so much she can’t come, but just her reaction. It was the same with my Brother-In-Law – all my other relatives who could not come were at least sorry they couldn’t, and sent me a message for their regrets. My Brother-In-Law just didn’t give a crap about the fact I was family and is judgemental about the country. The family issue is way more hurtful than the fact he isn’t coming (he is now coming after my dad talked to them, but that is a different story…I did write a post a while back if you look)… I think it’s fair to tell your sister how you feel, and separate the fact she isn’t coming from her reaction. It’s a lot easier to swallow if people WANT to come but can’t, as oppose to being cold because it’s in Europe…and considering your Fiance is French, I don’t consider it a destination wedding in the same sense than if you chose a random place. I had someone tell me “that’s what you get for having a wedding in France,” and for me that sounds like “That’s what you get for having a French Fiance,” at which point I just want to say “screw you!” If I had a wedding in the States, I’m sure the turnout rate would be just as low for my Fiance….

I promise you your wedding will be beautiful. I love French weddings, and though (especially recently) I want to rip my hair out for planning it here, I know the day of I will love it. If nothing else, the wine and food are guaranteed to be amazing 🙂 Those who can’t make it, it is really, really their loss. 

Out of curiosity, where in France are you getting married? 

Post # 10
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@lilz:  don’t feel bad thats ridiculous. 

Post # 11
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@lilz:  That’s a nice area! I’m getting married in a little less than 3 weeks! We live in Paris, but the wedding will be in a small town outside of Rouen in Normandy where my Fiance grew up. We are planning on moving back to US eventually, so I think it is going to be nice for my Fiance to have the memory of getting married in a place that means a lot to him. I imagine, especially because it sounds like you are living in the US, it is going to mean a lot to your Fiance to get married in his own country.

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