(Closed) Bridesmaid backs out, AFTER purchasing dress, and then stops speaking to Bride

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5 posts
Newbee

@busybride924: F her!  She was mean, hasn’t talked to you in a month and made it about her.  She’s done.  Off the list for both the shower and wedding.  hahaha LOVE YOU BFF!

Post # 4
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

In the past month have you tried contacting her? Before wedding planning, how often did you see/talk vs. now that you’re planning? Try not to view this as a wedding situation, view it as a friendship situation. If you don’t invite her- friendship over, I’d say. There’s not a whole lot of coming back from that. Maybe you should talk to her in person and see what the real issues are.

Post # 5
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@busybride924: OMG! I can’t believe that someone would have a situation so close to mine.  Although her reasons for being mad at me were different, I also had a Bridesmaid or Best Man back out of my wedding for completely unjustified reasons, after she purchased her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress.

To speak to your exact situation, I think that your friend could have a million reasons why she’s acting this way.  It could be that she’s jealous.  It could be some insecurity.  It could be that she really does feel you have changed.  Regardless of the reason, a true, life-long friend would NEVER act this way.  Instead of talking to you to try and mend the friendship, it seems to me that she has completely given up on the friendship, leaving you a big guilt trip.

Even if I felt a friend had changed, I would try to talk to her IN PERSON about my concerns and see what could be done to address the situation.  I could not imagine being so close to a friend that I’m in their wedding, but not loving them enough to try and fix an easily repairable problem.

When I was stressed about my Bridesmaid or Best Man situation, my BFF gave me the best advice which eased my mind completly.  He said that, as the years go by, I will understandly have less and less time with friends.  Establishing a marriage, and then starting a family, take up a great deal of time, and I shouldn’t use any of my free time on someone who is not a true friend.  She’s showing you right now how much your friendship really meant and as hard as it is, you will be MUCH happier moving on from it.

I am not inviting my former Bridesmaid or Best Man.  I had also had her parents on the guest list and am no longer inviting them as well.  It was a tough decision and sad, but honestly, when I’m walking down the aisle, I don’t want to see her face in the crowd and be reminded of all this drama on what will be the most important day of my life.

Post # 7
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Aw, that sucks that she was acting that way. I think you went about it the right way though. I wouldn’t invite her either after all that.

Post # 8
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@busybride924: Im glad you arent inviting her….weddings usually cause so much drama and i think its better to get rid of it while you can! Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@busybride924: I think you have done your part to adhere to the friendship, not the wedding, and you have been shot down repeatedly with each attempt. She is stuck in whatever mode she wishes, and it sure reeks of projected feelings of jealousy. To sit and talk with her in person seems highly counterproductive at this point because clearly she is very defensive and would rather back out without even discussing it with you first. It would have been different had she said, “Hey, I’m worried about our friendship. What can we do to make it better? I would really like to be in the bridal party still but I’m feeling uncomfortable.” That kind of approach would have been much more mature and reasonable, and would have left the door open for her to still participate as well as address the friendship issues. But she didn’t give you that opportunity — she flat out backed out trying to pepper her excuse under the guise of “I care.” Well, sadly, she doesn’t want to repair the friendship because she is content to disappear.

I would suggest not inviting her to the wedding, and not inviting the parents. This is one of those times you take a deep breath and move on. Best wishes to you on your special day.

Post # 10
Member
5 posts
Newbee

@vabride2011:  I am glad you told her your story.  I am her Maid/Matron of Honor and best friend and have given her this same exact advice.  I even posted on here seeking advice to give her to help her make a decision.  This girl definitely put the nail in the coffin of the friendship.  She claimed that it needed repairing, but didn’t seem willing to make the steps to repair what she believed was broken.  I have been sitting on the invites hoping that @busybride924 would make a decision that was best for her.  All I could do was be there to listen and give some advice, but I wanted her to do what would be best for her in her heart.  And I am glad that you replied to this post and gave her helpful advice that lead to her making a decision about what to do.  If anything I do not want the day to have this black cloud (no matter how little the cloud would be) over her wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I went through a similar situation on the OTHER side of your fence. I was not a Bridesmaid or Best Man mind you but we were really close friends. She did change. She went all bridezilla, spoiled brat like. I’d give a suggestion she’d laugh and say “gross” and other condesending things as if what I said was pure joke. It was not.

We went dress shopping together because she wanted brutal honest opinions… I’m her gal. She puts on all lace 10K dress (her dress budget was 2k). I say meh, looks better on the hanger she gets pissy. As if she was serious about the 10K dress.

There was also a moral issue with her serving sharkin soup, and we are all opposed to it for environamental issues, and she said I don’t give a shit about that. IMO friends don’t just scream I don’t give a shit to issues near and dear to their closest friends even IF you really don’t care.

So yeah, she changed I saw her true colors and I was no longer insterested in being good friends with her. So I like 3 other of her closest friends pulled back including the Maid/Matron of Honor. MOH did not pull out, but there was somewhat of a barrier put up and some communication was cut as well. We didn’t and still don’t hate her, but it was never the same again.

And about the bachelorette She was extremely pissed off I didn’t want to/ couldn’t afford to go out a weekend getaway wine tasting. It isn’t my cup of tea nor was it in my financial means to attend, nevermind cover some of the brides costs as well. That was a whole other issue in itself.

This is just what happens in wedding planning. It’s not all her fault. She didn’t just magically one day get pissed off with you, it was a long time festering and you failed to realize it, and she failed to communicate it (before it blew up). So I think you’re both a wrong in some ways.

Post # 13
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Are you really willing to walk away from the friendship with no regrets? Then don’t invite her. But if there is any friendship feelings, then invite her (kill her with kindness), but either way don’t invite the parents.

If you miss her, then send a non-wedding related text about something you guys usually talk about–TV show maybe. How she responds will tell you what kind of friend she really is.

Post # 14
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think most of us have dealt with breaking up with a friend. Of course there are always two sides to every story, she could have a bazillion reasons to act this way, etc. etc., but the bottom line is that she backed out first and addressed the friendship second. Doesn’t sound like she’s terribly concerned about mending things to me. Friends are supposed to be family you choose, and regardless of the whys or hows, this girl is no longer really your friend. You are better off looking at everyone standing up with you and feeling only joy at the presence and a reciprocated love. You’re better off without complications and drama, since there’s plenty of other stuff to worry about. Good luck to you and I’m glad that everyone in your bridal party will be someone whom you love and cherish you feels the same way about you!

Post # 15
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@busybride924: I’ll have to let my BFF know his advice worked for two brides in distress, not just one. 🙂

I’m glad what I wrote could help.  It’s a really tough situation to go through.  Although for me, the drama has been done with for about a month, and it’s rare that I look back or think on it.  Pulling her invitation out of the pile when I sent them out last week sucked a little bit.  But I’m plowing ahead with my life with a lot of people who love me, and I’m 100% sure you’ll do the same.  It’s gonna suck for like a week or two, but then you can use all your energy focusing on the man of your dreams, your wedding, and your friends who truly do love you and are there for you!

As a PS to the story, the former Bridesmaid or Best Man did text me about two weeks ago.  I didn’t reply at all.  There was nothing left to say.  She showed her true colors and I believe this person is showing hers.  If she tries to email or call again, forward it to your Maid/Matron of Honor or Fiance, let them deal with her.  You have too much to do to worry about this!

@ALS1416: It sounds like you’re a really great friend for supporting her.  When I was going through this, I DEFINITELY leaned on my closest girlfriends.  And I love and appreciate them all the more.

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