Post # 1
My best friend of 20 years, since I was 7, was supposed to come with me to see my dress and try on BM dresses with a few others today. I emailed for weeks trying to get a date for everyone to have time to meet, and we set it 3 wks ago….she was fine with it and then she sent me an email late last night saying she couldn’t make it bc she had to get things ready for when she went to work later on. I had a feeling she was going to do it bc she hasn’t called all week. She’s a stay at home mom and her bf just got laid off, but she got a job which starts tonight, so she felt she couldn’t go bc work starts at 6. I’d already told her I’d made the appt early specifically so she’d be home by 4, and the job is 30 mins away. I got really steamed and wrote her back and told her I was totally p’d, bc she waited till the last minute to EMAIL me(we usually talk everyday). I knew she was broke and told her plenty of times she could pick a dress within the color I chose that was in her budget, and she just needed to see the colors and check the sizes for fit and could order any time in the next few months. I tried to be understanding, but the thing is, I went to college and got a good job, got engaged, bought a house, and my life is on a great path. She got pregnant and dropped out and probably isn’t very happy with the way things are going, she used to be pretty optimistic, but she’s 100% negative about everything nowadays. Anyway, in my letter I said, I was at the hospital when you had your baby, and I expected you to be there with me today, these are moments in a lifetime friendship that are unforgettable. She wrote back and said I’m acting like a spoiled child not getting her way, and she wouldn’t compare the birth of her daughter to playing dress up. I feel bad that I reacted so recklessly, but I’m still mad that she blew me off. I feel right now like I want to say goodbye for good…
Post # 3
For the sake of honesty, I agree with her that comparing a child’s birth and dress shopping was a little strange. She didn’t miss YOUR WEDDING, she missed what is a relatively small (in the grand scheme of things) event that you had wanted her to be there for.
I don’t think it’s right for people to blow each other off, so I’m not condoning her actions. It sounds to me like you had a bone to pick with her outside of this one day, based on your comments about life choices and your view regarding her negativity.
I think a sit down talk in order and I’d leave it off of email. Could you offer to meet her for coffee and straighten this out once you’ve cooled off?
Post # 4
I understand why you are upset because it was important to you but I am having a hard time understanding the friendship since it kinda seemed like you were putting her life down in comparison to your life choices, which is really harsh for someone that is suppose to be your friend. Maybe she is noticing your judgement of her and is starting to feel a little uncomfortable….
I am not trying to sound harsh to you – I just am one of those people (who was on birth control mind you) who got pregnant during university. it was a big surprise to my husband (then fiance) and I at the time. mind you I continued to go to school. i was back two weeks after my emergency c section and am finishing off my second degree this year. It is very difficult when big changes like that happen though and you arentready for them.
I hope you dont lose such a long friendship over this incident. weddings sure can be stressfull can’t they. it is so difficult to get all the little things together, and there are so many little things. Good luck with everything and congratulations- your wedding is getting closer!!
Post # 5
I think writing off the relationship because she couldn’t make it to the dress outing is a little extreme. If this is really about something bigger than a missed dress appointment, then I agree with the previous posters that you should sit down and talk with her. If this is just about missing choosing bridesmaid dresses, I think you should let it go. It’s not worth losing a friend over.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t end the friendship. She may be a little jealous about how your life-path is, she may be worried about money, she may be stressed about starting a new job and dealing with her SO being laid off.
Just talk to her…tell her that you feel bad for reacting recklessly as you said. Just be honest. She may feel embarrassed that she can not afford a dress. You may have given her a few months/weeks notice, but stuff happens in life. Her situation be way worse than she is letting on to you.
I know a few years back when I was in a wedding, I knew the wedding was coming up, but stuff happened in my family were things were tight, I didn’t let on to anyone, not even a cousin who was a bridesmaid with me in our mutual friends wedding. When said cousin was demanding $100 for my contribution for a “lets get to know the bridesmaid party” with the brides & grooms family (ya…i never heard of this before). i told my cousin that I do not have this extra $100 for a cake and we ended up getting into a huge fight, I had to borrow the money from my grandmother. I ended up getting so mad at my cousin for dropping this on me that I refused to go to the party and ignored all the phone calls from the bride and everyone else at the party. Eventually I came clean with the bride about everything and she totally understood, she just wished I had explained everything sooner. The good thing…we are still friends and she will be helping me pick out a wedding dress at her own bridal shop.
So sit back, relax, CALL HER, explain without getting mad or upset how you feel. See if she wants to go with just you to a dress shop. Give her time to talk to you.
Post # 7
Talk to her face to face!!! Also, admit fault and apologize. You will feel better in the end and probably save your friendship (if that is what you desire). Good Luck!
Post # 8
There’s more, she does blow off everything all the time, the only time I see her is if I go to her house and sit there with her…she doesn’t want to take her baby out of the house, and she’s very paranoid about leaving her for one minute. I’ve sat on the phone for hours and hours over the last year listening to her baby woes and how bad her life sucks and everything’s a dead end… I’ve been there for this girl for 20 years. I’m finally sick of her neurotic ways and I’m sick of hearing her constant anxieties and complaints, which, when I try to offer solutions she says, yeah, but… It’s like she just wants to complain, but not do anything to make her life better. She used to be a big alcohoilic, 3 dwi’s, violent toward me and others, crazy behavior, everybody I know told me to hang it up years ago, but I stuck by her. Now she’s had her baby and cleaned her life up and she’s just totally anxious and neurotic all the time and she’s freaked out to leave the house. I’ve tried so incredibly hard to be patient but there’s just no end to it, everytime I pick up the phone she’s having a complete meltdown of her whole life. It’s always something. This friendship has always been hard bc of her drama and her problems and for once I’d like her to be there for me, and the one time I ask, she blows me off. She knows she has ppd issues or some kind of issues, but when I encourage her to do something about, see her doctor, join a support group, she just says, yeah, maybe. It’s been a year since she had the baby and she hasn’t leveled off yet…our other friends had babies within a month or two of her and they both were there yesterday. One of them just broke off an engagement to my finace’s cousin…SHE made it. I know I sound like an insensitive jerk, but I’m exhausted by this kind of behavior…it never ends, things are never just “good” for her and it hasn’t been for many years. She’s always been dysfunctional in some form or fashion for our entire friendship and after this latest freefall I’m ready to get off the rollercoaster.
Post # 9
I’m going to be honest here. I’m not sure either of you are good friends to each other. I get that you feel like the “giver” in the relationship and that you feel like you’re not having the sentiment/friendship reciprocated, but sometimes, that’s just the cycle of friendships. We all have times when we are needed vs when WE need. It all balances out. I think if you’re out of patience then you should walk away. All of us feel at some point that we give advice (often the same advice) over and over to a friend and we’re just ignored. It happens. She’s a grown up though and has made her own decisions in life. Yes they’re different than your choices and decisions, but they’re hers and you need to respect that.
On the wedding side of things, dress shopping isn’t the most important event in the grand scheme of things. I think you can cut her a bit of slack. Starting a new job is really stressful and given that her BF just lost his job, it sounds like she has a lot riding on her shoulders. Take a step back and try to look at the bigger picture here.
Post # 10
It seems like you have already made up your mind. When anyone offers advice your response is to tell us what other crappy things she has done and how her life has gone wrong in comparison to yours. If you feel this strongly about her life choices and don’t want to take that time to be her friend anymore then politely ask her to stand down as your bridesmaid. If you want her to still be a bridesmaid and friend then you need to reaccess the way you examine her life and her problems or not be her friend at all. I had a group of friends that started to get into drugs and I became very uncomfortable around them. I removed myself from that friendship rather than stay friends and constantly judge their life choices. It was there life and none of my business. Her choices may not be your cup of tea but its her life and definitely your choice if you want to continue the friendship.
Post # 11
I agree with Shelbs..looks like you have already made your decision about the friendship so no matter what any Bee says….
If you have exhausted all of your options on extending an olive branch to her, then you need to cut your ties.
Just remember, you can’t make someone go to therapy if they don’t want you. You can suggest many things to her, but she is the only one that can actually make it happen. Everyone reacts to PPD in different ways. Others get over it in days, weeks, months…some take YEARS.
You can just tell her “hey…we are at 2 totally different places in life. I don’t think that it would be fair to you and myself that you participate in the wedding. I hope this doesn’t harm our friendship. Maybe we can catch up when our lives settle down.” And just slowly remove yourself from the situation.
Post # 12
After a couple more contacts, I can see that we both feel sad in our hearts and guilty on certain counts for what happened. I think I need to let her know she can bow out and just come as my guest and we can both go on w/out worrying about her role in all of this. My sister and mother and everyone who knows the situation think this is par for the course for this person and is the way it generally goes, for one reason or another.
I don’t want to lose a friend forever bc we have known eachother for most of our lives and have been through a lot…maybe we just need a little time to live our own lives, and we can come back together down the road when things are better and it’s easier to see eye to eye.
If anyone can take anything from this, it would be not to respond too quickly when something like this happens…mine was a kneejerk reaction and it would’ve been better to say nothing than to say much too much…
Post # 13
Have you thought about purchasing the dress for your friend. No one has to know but the two of you. It sounds like she can’t afford it. It also sounds like you are being a bit of a bridezilla about this. She hasn’t missed your wedding and I agree with your friend. Give her some time. I have friend that sound just like you wrote and quite honestly she doesn’t have many friends because of how she views herself against other people. She thinks she has made good decisions thus her life is perfect and everyone else made bad ones and their lives are less perfect than hers. i think if you two are truly friends you will work it out no matter what.