Post # 1
So today, less than a month before my wedding, one of my bridesmaids casually revealed to me via email that she would be getting married one month after my wedding and would not be participating in any of the festivities leading up to my wedding so that she could plan her destination wedding in Hawaii. Furthermore she basically expected me to be at her wedding…in Hawaii! This girl got engaged VERY recently and well after I asked her to be my bridesmaids. This very same girl has been trying out wedding dresses when we get together to go dress shopping for my wedding. I know I’m kind of venting but am I out of line to be upset with her? I am happy for her, but it kind of seems unfair to me. I’m not sure how I should react and I am not sure I can afford to go to this destination wedding pushed up so close to mine. Its too late to find a replacement bridesmaid and I don’t want to lose a friendship over it buy it just seems so disrespectful.
Post # 2
Will she still be at your wedding in a previously agreed-upon dress?
If so, then keep her as your bridesmaid. If not, then she has effectively removed herself from your wedding party, but do NOT replace her. It makes the replacement feel like, well… a replacement. It also tells your friend that she is replaceable.
If you can’t afford to go to her wedding, especially since it’s so close to yours, just tell her. I’m sure she would understand that weddings are expensive and it’s unlikely you’ll want to splurge on a destination wedding so close to your own nuptials.
Post # 3
PhillyBride2014: I really don’t understand what you are so upset about? You should be happy for your friend who is getting engaged and married. Since you are planning your own wedding I am guessing you would understand that weddings are expensive. So if she cannot join in your pre-wedding festivities (which aren’t a requirement for anyone even a BM) then you just say you understand and she will be missed.
If you can’t make it to her wedding then you can’t make it. It is just an invitation.
Being disrespectful is dumping a friend because you feel like they are stealing your thunder. Being disrespectful is thinking that others should stop living their lives and having their moments just because you are getting married.
Now be a good friend and don’t let yourself ruin a friendship over your wedding.
Post # 4
PhillyBride2014: I’m also a but confused about what you’re upset about. That she can’t join the pre wedding festivities? Can you explain a bit more?
Post # 5
You are not obligated to go to this wedding (or any wedding really). I won’t lie and say it won’t affect your friendship. It very well could. That said, I would hope that a real friend would understand that attending a DW so soon after your wedding, given then time and finances necessary, is a very difficult thing to do. I would hope she wouldn’t fault you at all.
I wouldn’t replace her. That word as it relates to the bridal party leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Keep her in the bridal party if your do value her as a friend.
As far as pre-wedding festivities, you’ll probably see that a lot of Bees believe in the “one day- she just has to show up, possibly in the correct dress” view. I don’t. I think that if someone is in the bridal party, they should be close enough to you to want to help out with or at least attend something. The fact that she has told you she can’t do anything because she’ll be busy planning her wedding seems pretty self-centered, to be honest. I don’t know the full circumstances, but if she lives close, I don’t know why she wouldn’t be able to spend a couple hours at a shower or a bachelorette party (even if she had to leave early). (Barring financial difficulties, of course.)
I also don’t think it was appropriate for her to try on wedding dresses at your own dress shopping. It’d be one thing if she asked ahead of time. But it still seems weird.
Post # 6
PhillyBride2014: It’s pretty rude. I probably wouldn’t say anything to her about skipping events or even the fact that she’s getting married a month after you. But if she mentions again how she expects you at her wedding I’d probably laugh and say “keep dreaming…money dosen’t grow on trees”, honey!”
Post # 7
I also don’t get why you are upset.
If she is still going to be a bridesmaid and show up in her dress, that’s all that really matters as far as your wedding is concerned. What festivities will she be missing? A shower? You can communicate that she is more than welcome to attend without bringing a gift. A bachelorette? No big deal.
If you can’t afford to go to her wedding, it should not come as any great surprise to her, given that she chose a date so close to yours. As a mature adult, you can give her a heads up now that you may not be able to afford the trip and make a solid decision by the time you receive an invitation.
Post # 8
Eh. If she’s dropping out of your wedding festivities in order to save money for HER wedding, then she must be able to comprehend that due to having to pay for YOUR wedding, that you kinda can’t make it to Hawaii. I understand your frustration because your wedding is the center of your universe right now, but honestly I don’t think there’s anything to be upset about here.
Post # 9
I would be annoyed And disappointed. I know it’s a hot topic here on B as a bridesmaid is only obligated to show up to the wedding bla bla but if it’s customary for your circle of friends to participate in and be a part of all pre wedding festivities then of course you have the right to be peeved. As a good friend you would expect this person to work with you, or at least sit and talk to you not send an email, about the logistics of having both weddings so close together esp since she already committed to yours. Does she expect you to participate in all her pre wedding activities as well? Will you be a bridesmaid in her wedding? it’s annoying but she is going to do her so you just have to continue to do you, talk it out with her and see if you guys can come up with something that helps you both attend each other’s events (ie no wedding gifts, no shower gift… Each others pressance is gift enough) to take some of the financial pressure off of it.
Post # 10
I think I’m mostly upset over the fact that she chose to tell me via email rather than on the phone or in person…and the fact that she can’t take one night away from planning to come to the bachelorette party after we’ve talked and planned for it so long…or the rehearsal dinner which I feel is kind of a rrquirement…it’s really hurtful to me. In her own words, she said she would “make an appearance at your wedding, but that’s all until I get all my planning done”. I dunno, everything that could have possibly gone wrong has already gone wrong, I just don’t need any more hiccups with three weeks to go.
Post # 11
j-jaye is right that pre-wedding activities are not “required.” And there’s a lot of posts on the Bee that all a bridesmaid has to do is show up the wedding day in the right dress.
But I disagree with that.
If it’s understood that weddings in your circle involve prewedding activitie, then accepting a BM position is also accepting that there’s more to the honour than just “showing up in the right dress.” And usually your friends WANT to share in pre-wedding activities because they want to share in the celebration with you.
Now, this BM’s priorities have changed because she has her own big life event now. And that’s her right.
But it doesn’t change the fact that she KNEW your wedding details and the responsibilities she had agreed to and now she’s backing down. Her decision to plan her own wedding was justified. It’s her day. But she WAS slightly inconsiderate in her timing and its impact on others.
So OP, you can feel put out, but there’s nothing you can do about it.
Post # 12
PhillyBride2014: As long as she can make it to the wedding I don’t see the big deal. You have every right to feel bummed that she’ll miss out on the bachelorette party but it’s really not that huge of a deal in the grand scheme of things.
Also if you feel you can’t afford to go to her wedding or something that’s ok but don’t not go out of spite.
Post # 13
PhillyBride2014: She really should be attending the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. I think you have a legitimate beef there. It’s not costing her anything to attend and it is highly unlikely she is going to be busy wedding planning the night before your wedding.
Post # 14
I think the only thing you have a real ground to be upset over is the fact that she chose to discuss this with you by email rather than a phone call. That’s really uncool for a couple of reasons but mostly because it’s one-way conversation, not an actual interaction between the two of you.
If the situation were different– if she’d been engaged for a while and told you months ago that she would be absent from the pre-events because she couldn’t afford them whilst planning her own wedding or had vendor appointments that conflicted, you’d be disappointed (and that’s very reasonable) but you wouldn’t be hurt or upset. When people only have so much time and so much money, they often have to prioritize, and sometimes they have different priorities than outs.
As for her invite for you to attend her wedding, if you can’t afford it and/or can’t take the time off, then there’s nothing wrong wiht declining the invite. It’s an invitation, not a jury summons. And a high decline rate is something any bride must factor in when planning a destination wedding, especially to an expensive destination on short notice.
Post # 15
PhillyBride2014: I wouldn’t take issue with any of it, except I might be a bit hurt if she didn’t go to my shower or whatever event you’re having prior to your wedding. Planning doesn’t take up your time 24/7.
As far as dress shopping, I would think it’s kind of fun to be able to shop for dresses with my friend as well! There’s nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. Your day will still be yours, and you get to participate in hers as well 🙂
Regarding the destination thing, I would just be honest with her. If you can’t afford to go for whatever reason, then don’t. I probably wouldn’t go because a vacation immediately following a honeymoon wouldn’t go over too well with work, but hey, that’s more her loss than yours.
I would just say to pick your battles.