Post # 1
<div>I never really cared to dictate exactly what my bridesmaids would wear. I decided to ask my gals to do a mismatched look, each individual can pick the dress they like as long as it fits three criteria (to keep the look cohesive and classy) BMs could pick any dress as long as it is any shade of purple/berry, floor length, and chiffon or lace (or chiffon like). I was really trying to keep everything stress free and I almost thought it was going to work, everyone picked a dress and I approved of all of them, and I made a collage of everyones pics and was so excited because they looked great together!</div>
<div>The day after everyone picked, one of my bridesmaids decided to buy a different dress that is linen and to me looks like a sundress (and doesn’t really match the fabric or formality of the other dresses) but is the right color and close to the right length. She was so excited and told me that the other one made her look pregnant and that she had already returned the first one. I told her that it was pretty but that it didn’t fit the criteria that I had asked everyone to stick with and I was worried it would look less cohesive with the other dresses. Instead of trying to work with me to figure out a solution she told me she was wearing it and that I just need to let go and that I don’t get to pick her dress. She has been insistent on wearing this dress and I have not talked to her for the past few days.</div>
<div>I feel like a bridezilla to be strict about this, especially since this friend is my oldest friend and she currently does not have much money but I am really put off by her insistent/unsupportive attitude and am considering asking her if she would feel less stressed if she attended as a guest instead of a bridesmaid so that she can wear whatever she wants. What would you do?</div>
Post # 2
I’d think hard to myself how much I cared and what the consequences would be. Then when I;d decided, I would let it go, OR I’d do the ‘attend as a guest’ thing.
Once decided and acted on I would not talk about it anymore and I’d do my level best not to think about it any more either .
People can be such PITA’s , you didn’t ask much !
Post # 3
Why do I feel like I have read this post before? 🤔
Post # 4
‘You don’t get to pick my dress’ lol you’re the bride, of course you do! I would be firm and say ‘I’m sorry but that dress doesn’t match the fabric criteria I gave so it can’t be your bridesmaid dress. If cost is an issue I can help you with a dress that fits all the criteria, but this one does not.’ If she won’t budge and you’re sure you’d rather she not be a a Bridesmaid or Best Man in that dress then tell her she can wear the dress but it will be as a guest.
Post # 5
Is this a hill to die on for you? Do you want to jeopardize a frienship over a dress that doesn’t 100% fit your vision (even though you admit it is pretty darn close)?
If you want this to be a hill to die on, tell her that you set the parameters and you’d prefer if she wore something that fit within those parameters; if she doesn’t want to do that, she can attend as a guest. If this isn’t a hill to die on, embrace the fact that your Bridesmaid or Best Man wants to stand up next to you and feel beautiful while doing it.
Post # 6
What about all the advice from the first thread about this?
Post # 7
I think it’s really unfair when people act like your saying “attend as a guest” is a result of your stubbornness. Your Bridesmaid or Best Man is the one who made her sundress a “hill to die on”. Pulling that kind of crap at somebody else’s wedding IMO is the epitome of selfish and childish. I’d offer to buy a new dress and if that didn’t work I’d ask her to sit out. I don’t think I’d be spending a lot of time with her afterwards anyway. That’s not a friend. I’d wear a burlap sack to my friend’s wedding if she asked me to.
Post # 8
I would let it go. The person is more important than the stupid dress. It’s the right color, length and price. Nobody, but nobody except you will care.
Post # 9
I am sorry, I may not have made it clear in this post that I followed the advice in the first thread and the situation has escalated since then.
Basically I followed the advice in the first thread and told her that I preferred the first dress because it matched all the criteria but now she is just outright telling me that she will wear the new dress whether I like it or not. :/
I posted this second thread because I was not sure how to react to her outright opposing my decision to veto her second dress choice.
Post # 10
I kind of feel like she is the one making it a hill to die on. I think that as the bride I should be able to veto certain dresses if they don’t match my vision. Most brides tell their BMs to all wear one dress, at least I am just giving them three guidelines and letting them find one they like. I am more upset with her willingness to just say “I am wearing this no matter what you think” and putting me in the position where I have to decide how to react to that.
Post # 11
I am a plus size person, and I find chiffon to be either very flattering or very unflattering -depending on the cut, shape, color, etc. Same goes with lace. I’ve had gorgeous looking lace dresses that just make me look way fatter than I am. So I can understand why she would refuse to wear a chiffon/lace dress if it was completely unflattering to her -my wedding dress actually had some chiffon on it and it did gave out a “pregnant look” xD because of the cut (I still loved it, though)
My advice would be to have a heart to heart talk with her. Ask her if she is feeling body conscious, and maybe offer to go see other chiffon dresses -insisting that you should both give it a try to see if you can find a better dress that makes her feel pretty and matches your criteria. Ask her to please show you her new dress with her on it, so you can actually have a comparison idea.
Overall, I am against the whole “bridesmaid should wear what the bride’s choose” thing. I don’t get where it comes from and what’s the point -besides aesthethics.
Post # 12
When the bride isn’t paying for the dresses things can be more complicated.
I don’t envy you in this sitch but have no real advice since I’ve not experienced this before.
The only way to combat this is for you to buy the dresses. No ifs, no buts, that’s the dress I’d like you to wear.
Post # 13
There’s nothing left to say. I’m not sure what you want to hear. You either are bold, tell her if she doesn’t want to wear the first dress, then she’s not a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore; or let her wear the second dress and stop stressing about it and keep the peace. We can’t make a decision for you. You have to make a decision and you have to live with the consequences.
Post # 14
No need to make a new thread about a problem that’s simply ongoing . I think perhaps it is symptomatic of your not accepting / realising that there always were only two choices. Let it go or tell her she’s out . There isn’t anything else to be said really, as pp points out.
Post # 15
> Instead of trying to work with me to figure out a solution she told me she was wearing it and that I just need to let go and that I don’t get to pick her dress.
What is the dynamic between you and this friend? Does she have a history of being pushy to get her away and you back down? If so, maybe she’s expecting to be able to stream roll you again.
If this is the first time you have had conflict of this sort, gently remind her it’s your wedding day and you have final say over what the Bridal party wears.
She has been very bold. You are the Bride — of course you get to pick or veto her dress! Communicate that she can choose to continue being a bridesmaid (which means wearing what you approve) or step away from that role. You need cooperation and support from those who will be standing up from you at your wedding, not friction. She should respect that and if she doesn’t, she’s not being a true friend by making wedding planning even more stressful that it already is.
Do due diligence by speaking individually to each of your girls. Explain you’ve given a lot of flexibility in regards to the dresses and you’re hurt that you friend is not respecting your wishes. Don’t let the disgruntled friend poison the well by sharing a biased version of events while you remain tight lipped.
Good luck OP! Honestly, I would be very hurt if I was in your shoes. I picked out two dresses for my bridesmaids to wear. 1 is out of the country so she decided to work with a tailor in her local area — I’m a little worried about wheather the final dress will match the shade of blue the other dresses will be, but I trust her to get it as close as she can manage. I can’t imagine any of my BMs just picking a random dress they liked better and telling me they’re wearing it no matter what.. It sounds like she has no respect for you and I would reconsider whether I wanted someone who has done what your friend has as a bridesmaid. Maybe that’s petty to some, but I would never do that to a friend getting married — it’s her wedding!