(Closed) Bridesmaid BS Drama

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Well that’s tough.  I can understand why you aretryingto take a passive approach with ther, by subtly trying to encourage her not to come.  You must have figured she’d go off when you fired her.  But I’m not sure that’s the best approach.  First, it might not work.  She might still make the wedidng and still have a tyraid.  Second, I hate to think about how people keep caving in to her tantrums.  (Although, I’m sure you aren’t the problem.  It sounds like the family has been too enabling about this for a while.)

I actually think the biggest problem here is the well being of the kids especially, but also the sister, and the family.  Maybe someone else will know better than me, but I would think there would be a way to force her to get treatment.  (Brittney Spears?)  And as timing would have it, a stay at a hospital might take care of her not being at the wedding.  (Easier said than done I’m sure….)  If your Fiance doesn’t want her there, I would take that into consideration.  If she is uninvited could you hire someone to make sure she stays out if she shows?  You already backed down and let her stay as a Bridesmaid or Best Man,  so I’m not sure you are likely to make such a drastic move.  You might want to sit down with her along with your Fiance and explain to her that she needs to be on good behavior or she will be kicked out.  But since she has bi-polar, she might not be able to really control that.  Maybe you can give her an ultimatum about taking meds or she can’t be in the wedding.  (The wedding is pretty close.  I don’t even know how long it would take for meds to kick in.)

My preference would be to not have her come, if she is likely to go off the handle.  Moreover, she needs help.  Carrying that banner shouldn’t be your job.  But maybe you can convince your Fiance and he can convince the parents to do someting about it.

Post # 4
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My sister and Maid/Matron of Honor is bipolar, and we went through a lot trying to get her into treatment when it first surfaced (about seven years ago).  It was an extremely difficult time for our whole family, one that I would not wish on anyone. Thankfully, she did get on medication that works for her, and is currently a very balanced and happy elementry school teacher.

So there’s hope.

The biggest thing that I can tell you to try to remember is that when she is manic and says all of those terrible things about you and FH’s family- that isn’t her.  There were times when it felt like my sister had a magical talent for finding the words that would hurt my feelings the most.  That’s part of the disease.  She threw things at my parents, cursed me out, and flat out told me never to see my FH (who I was already dating) again. It took a lot of patience and understanding to get past everything that she said, but we would not be as close as we are today without it.

I know that you are probably really hurt and annoyed, and you have every right to be.  But a wedding is about the start of your new life as a part of this family. Your FH’s sister is a part of that as well, whether she’s being responsible about the treatment or not.  

I hope that you can make it through this tough time.  When I was going through it, the forums at this site helped me.  Good luck, and please do everything you can to enjoy your day!

Post # 5
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You might need to assign somebody at the wedding to intervene with her if she starts to get upset or make a "scene." Are there family members (uncles? cousins?) who know her, who can either get her under control or escort her out? Will there be a security guard present? That’s worst case scenario, of course, and I don’t say that just because she’s got bipolar, but because she just seems generally rebelliious and out-of-control.

The next time she does something out of line, I think you’d be in your place to say, "Remember when I said you needed to be calm and dependable when I took you back as a bridesmaid? Well, you’ve shown me that you can’t do that, but I will love to have you there as a guest on your wedding day," and leave it at that. Your Fiance might need to step up to the plate and be the one to do this. If she makes a scene that day about that, who’s to say she won’t also make a scene because she’s not just generally the center of attention? 

Sorry you’ve having to deal with this. We’ve also got an unmedicated bipolar family member and it’s difficult for everybody involved except her, it seems.

 

Post # 7
Member
17 posts
Newbee

Hey there Cheyenne22, I like your attitude, dont let her be a bother. You should really have a good…no great time at your wedding, no one else should steal the thunder from you and your Fiance. It is a dicey situation since it involves a family member but if the family knows who she really is then dont worry about that either. Definitely consider having a neutral third party escort her out if she starts acting up in case this comes back later. Have a fabulous wedding 🙂 xoxo

btw there a a lot of weddings these days with unequal number of bm’s and gm’s

Post # 8
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hey Girl,

There are plenty of crazy girls out there trust me. You are not alone! I asked my fiance’s cousin (who he considers a sister) to be in my wedding. I was thrilled when she accepted but deep down I was terrified! Well it completely back fired in my face. She tried to control every situation and was a complete snot to my Maid/Matron of Honor (which is my sister).

After 2 weeks of screamin matches I chose to just erase her from my life all together. (Mind you this was over 6 months ago). To this very day…she still doesn’t know how to mind her own business.

We are not inviting her to the wedding nor her family.

In January she went so far as to call my Fiance and tell him "listen im not coming to the wedding becuz i dislike your girl, but i want to pay for your honeymoon"… I went crazy myself… It was just another way for her to control something. Why would someone who isn’t attending the wedding, got kicked out, and dislikes me, want to pay for my honeymoon???

Do what is best for you and your fiance. You’re a bigger person then me, sister or not, she’d be gone if that was me!!!

Post # 9
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

My maid of honour is bi-polar as well. She is also extremely depressed and anorexic with bulemic tendencies. She’s in an abusive relationship because her boyfriend can’t handle that she’s too sick to work and needs to eat still. He tells her to stop eating so much because it costs so much, even though he knows she needs to eat or she’ll die… pretty quick. She’s been my best friend since I was 6 years old and I don’t know what I can do. She lives on the other side of the country, so I can’t go see her… and what if she doesn’t make it to my wedding? I can’t very well replace her…

Post # 10
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel that you may want to reconsider the extent to which you want to eject your Future Sister-In-Law from your life.  And actively preventing her from attending your wedding will be the first step.  It’s clear that your FIL’s are not interested in abandoning her, and though you say your Fiance doesn’t want her at the wedding, does he similarly not want to maintain a longtern relationship with her?  I know it’s very frustrating to deal with now, but she is going to be a member of your family for the rest of your life.  Dealing with mental illness, especially one that makes people violent or dangerous, is extremely taxing.  The impact will be hardest on your Future In-Laws, but I suspect also on your husband-to-be.  As the newest member of the family, I think it’s important to remember that ties between parents and siblings are strong.  Your negative feelings about your Future Sister-In-Law will be viewed differently than your husband’s.  Because of this, I think first it’s imperative that if you decide not to include her your FH be the one doing the talking.

 But, for wht it’s worth, I also think in the long run it might be helpful to try to understand your FSIL’s behavior in the context of her disease.  Bi-polar disorders don’t just appear one day, the imbalance shapes a person’s life and personality.  That’s not an excuse, but it is a context for understanding her "rebellious" behavior.  22 is still extremely young to have learned how to handle such a trying problem.  And your marriage might infuse the family with enough joy and hope to help find a way to cope and grow stronger together.

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow you are handling this way better than I would have. I never would have let her in the party in the first place, but that is me. I like your philosophy, give her the information once and if she shows up, great. If not, then if she throws a fit during the wedding or something, calmly pause and ask her to be removed. She will throw a tantrum, but at least you will look like a calm, in control bride instead of getting upset over it, then just go on with your evening. Sounds like you are prepared for the worst. Maybe keep the phone number for the nut house on hand in case she literally goes bezerk? I would consider asking someone to keep an eye on her, too, and see if you can get her medicated a few days leading up to the wedding. The medication sounds like it makes the biggest difference. But I think as long as you expect the poop to fly, you can tell youself "go figure" The day of the wedding, or "wow it went better than I thought" but it sounds like you are prepared for everything!!! Good luck, let us know how it goes =] and congrats on getting married in a few weeks!!! HOORAY

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