Post # 1
I’m still a waiting bee but I’ve started thinking about bridesmaids as I’d like to be able to ask them very soon after I get engaged. I know I would like to have my sister in my wedding party, and I have two close friends who I’d also like to include. However – I have a quandary about my future husband’s sister.
He has three sisters – two of whom are much older than me and one of whom most likely will not be in attendance (he speaks to her about once every two years and she lives overseas). His third sister is close to my age and we see her or talk to her about once a week.
She is not supportive of our getting married. It’s not that she doesn’t like me. It’s just that she thinks we’ll be getting married too young and too fast. (He’ll be 25 and I’ll be 24, we’ll have been together for 3-ish years, both of us are working full time in our fields and I own a house – so we’re definitely in a stable place).
She also has zero filter (she’s quick to say if she doesn’t like something or doesn’t agree – whether or not that is the tactful thing to do at the time)
So I’ve got some concerns about having her in the wedding party. Concerns including everything from her blurting out that she hates my dress to her refusing to put on any makeup to her making negative comments about us getting married at all.
Post # 2
I wouldn’t include her. You are entitled to have whomever you want in your wedding party, and it appears that you don’t want her there. Just have your sister and your friends. Besides, if I was one of the other sisters, I would be insulted that one was included but the rest weren’t. My brothers weren’t in our wedding party. I just had friends, and my husband just had relatives. We picked the people that were important to us, not people we felt obligated to pick.
Post # 3
My advice is to not ask anyone until about ten months before the wedding. Relationships change. I’ve read so many posts from brides who asked their bridesmaids a year and a half before their wedding and felt stuck with people they no longer got along with.
Post # 4
Just ask the people closest to you that you want to be in your wedding party. Don’t ask people out of obligation. If your boyfriend wants his sister in the wedding he can ask her to be on his side.
Post # 5
graced : Why do you think you need to include her? I wouldn’t even be considering this if I were you There’s no rule stating you have to include your fiances sister in the bridal party, especially if she isn’t going to be supportive of your marriage and just cause you stress throughout the process.
Post # 6
I would include her but wouldn’t worry about her comments, etc, just let them roll off your back. I have my fiance’s sister and yes, she is a pain, but she’s his (only) sister. I just deal with it. She also has no filter (one of her comments had me freaking out about invitations before I realized she was the only one with that opinion, everyone else loved them!), and it always all has to be about her.
I took her dress shopping, but I made my fiance talk to her the night before we went and he told her in no uncertain terms that only positive comments were welcome and if she couldn’t do that to just keep her mouth shut or not go. And if she couldn’t keep her comments to herself that she would no longer be involved in wedding related activities. She was actually very positive during the trip. Was I stuck in a dress that I hated and just wanted to get off of me because she was in my dressing room trying on bridesmaid dresses in the middle of my wedding dress appointment? Absolutely. But that is just her so I rolled my eyes and moved along. She has been a pain about other things as well, but I just don’t include her in as much wedding planning as I could. She gets butt-hurt about it, but I don’t let it bother me. I think she is starting to understand that if she gives a positive attitude she will be included. The more negative and critical she is, the more she stays out of. I pick my battles with her, but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself either. I also have a plan with my Maid/Matron of Honor to deal with her as well. If she becomes too overwhelming for me, my Maid/Matron of Honor steps in and diffuses the situation.
Personally, I think its worth putting up with her. She will be my family soon and I couldn’t imagine excluding her from the wedding. I think that would just cause more drama. Plus, it gives me an opportunity to start to set boundaries and expectations of behavior before we are married. And we actually have been getting closer with this process, so that’s good, too! I would personally include your SO’s sister, I just think you are inviting more drama than its worth to not. Just have a plan on how to deal with her.
Post # 7
Thanks guys! I’m trying to decide if I have someone in my wedding party who’d be capable of diffusing her. My Maid/Matron of Honor has a toddler and a chronic illness. One of my other bridesmaids is on the autism spectrum and the third is helping with flower girls and ring bearers so will be pretty occupied. I’m definitely going to give it a lot of thought.
My main concern is that she and I actually have a pretty good relationship – and I dont’ want her being in the wedding to jeopardize it! Which I worry it might!
Post # 8
Does your boyfriend want to include her?
Post # 9
bostonbee2018 : It seems he does – though she’s been a bit antagonistic to our relationship from the beginning. It’s an odd situation. She likes me and we are friends. She just doesn’t think he and I have any business getting married.
Post # 10
graced : you have no obligation to include ANYONE, including FSILs. My husband has exactly 1 sister. She is my age, we get along just fine, but we’re not close friends. I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, and i never gave it a second thought (and neither did she). Only ask people who you love and care for deeply (and who love and care for you) to be your bridesmaids – otherwise, you’re asking for drama.
Post # 11
graced : oh, and if your SO wants to include her in the wedding party – HE can. There is no reason why she can’t stand up on his side.
Post # 12
I’m confused about why you are considering having her in your wedding party?
You’re not close with her, she isn’t supportive of the wedding, and there is no rule or even etiquette guideline that says you have to include your Future Sister-In-Law. You’re not including the other two either, so it’s not like this is a “do it in circles” thing. I just.. don’t get why this is even something you’re worried about..?
Just ask your sister and whatever friends you want and be done with it.
Post # 13
If you have a good relationship with her I’d say to include her and just blow off any “too young” nonsense. I was 24 when i got married and I was definitely not too young. You may be young, but based on your writing you’re quite intelligent. So let it go in one ear and out the other. Being inclusive with family members is a good thing in weddings and it bodes well for the relationship long-term. Weddings where the bride is fixated on having only what wants, including btidesmaids….not so much. And I’ve seen a lot of weddings and marriages.
Post # 14
graced : Why on earth would you have someone who is not supportive of your marriage stand up with you as a bridesmaid? This makes no sense whatsoever. Don’t include her in the bridal party and don’t feel guilty about it one bit.
Post # 15
I think that I’m going to not have her in my wedding party – the big thing I’m realizing is that by having her I’m actually not following the circles rule because her sisters wouldn’t be included! So I think in terms of etiquette I’m safe! FH won’t have her on his side since we’re having an ultra ultra traditional ceremony and need to keep the sides gender segregated!