- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
Your friend sounds very odd and stalkerish! If she can’t even exept your invitation gratefully I think she’s gonna cause lots of trouble.
But you can’t really demote her without being very rude and ruining what you have as a friendship.
I think you’re caving too much for appologizing for the way you asked her, basically admitted you did somehting wrong when there is nothing wrong in the way you asked! I asked in a FB message and they were all very excited!
Wow. Well, I read the whole post, and honestly it sounds like there may be only one person trying to make this friendship work, and that my dear, is Y.O.U.
I feel that all her passive agressive remarks, and hurtful actions are stemming from jealousy. You’re moving on, she’s still in love with you, and she can’t accept being just a friend (and a long distance one at that).
I feel the same as you. I work third shift four nights a week, trying to plan a wedding, and my Fiance and I both have massive families and usually have at the very LEAST one or more obligations on the weekends. It’s hard to work time in for your friends. That sounds terrible, but sometimes a text, a phonecall, a facebook message is all we have time for. But that’s where true friends will understand. They have lives as well, they don’t expect anything more than loyalty, trust and respect (and I feel the same). She is giving you none of these things.
I believe your current course of action is the right one. Why should salvaging and sacrificing on your part to save this friendship even matter to you when it obviously doesn’t to her. You shouldn’t have to take this kind of thing from a “friend”.
Thank you for responding Atalanta and Mrs.tobe! Yes! Stalkerish, and jealous-laden, indeed. Yes, even now I see that I *still* cave to her at times. I’m hoping to reach a point with her where she states her needs for the friendship to continue, and I state mine. I’d like to make it crystal clear to her how I feel about her sour reaction and demands of my time. We’ll see if we get that far.
I’m really interested in the whole “demoting is considered rude” policy. I understand it for those situations where someone has clearly accepted their bridesmaid-ness, and especially, if they’ve gone so far as to purchase a dress, etc. They’ve accepted, they’ve invested in it, onward. However, I really feel that in my case, a demotion isn’t happening, because she hasn’t accepted in the first place, and it’s been months. If she does accept, wonderful! I will do my best to work with her. But right now she is being plenty rude, and the consequence for that, sadly, is losing me as a friend.
Mrs.tobe, I share your sentiments regarding friends, work, family and other obligations. There is only so much time in the day and those that acknowledge this with a smile and acceptance are a rare breed. Thank you for your statements, and good luck to you!
Some friends are more difficult than others, and you need to remind yourself why this person is a good friend in the first place.
However, I can feel your frustration in having a friend that is so needy and always ready to take offense if you haven’t given her the attention she feels she deserves. As you have so much on your plate now, I think you must re-evaluate your priorities and cut your losses. There might be potentially better friends that you should find the time for, instead of always trying to fit her in (and then feeling guilty when everything you do is not enough).
I don’t have bridesmaids but I know that I wouldn’t want one who’ll spend the entire wedding day complaining that you’re not giving her enough attention;-)
@Cornflakegirl: I have a hard time accepting the “rude to demote” idea as well. I mean, in turn is it not completely gone far beyond rude that she hasn’t responded or even acted the least bit excited to be there for you on your most special of days??
I have to say that I actually did demote my Maid/Matron of Honor. We have been friends for years, and we have been through A LOT. But as of late drama wouldn’t even begin to describe what she’s been putting me, her family, and other best friend through. Needless to say, I was more invested in the friendship (at this point it was no longer about the wedding), than she even thought about being. We sat down, one on one, and had a serious talk. We came to an agreement on a demotion and suprisingly, she was for it. Anywho, all I’m saying is that’s what we needed to do to salvage and work on our friendship. The wedding was one more stressor we didn’t need.
Hope any of this rambling helps somewhat!! lol
Happy wedding to you, I hope it all works out!
I thought she had accepted, with an OK, a weak acceptance but I took that to be an acceptance none the less.
I think you should tell her how you feel becasue keeping bottled up isn’t going to be good and wll probably blow up eventually.
I think you need to think long and hard whether this friendship is really working as well and if you are prepared to give it up.
@Atalanta: Oh, I see. I took her “OK” as an okay to discuss further before she decides. Sorry I hadn’t made that known.
Yes, you are right I should tell her how I feel. I’m hoping she’ll respond first, giving her a fair chance to say her piece before I pour out everything.
I’m prepared to give up the friendship should it come to it. I think I held on for so long because I hoped things would be different and well, after nearly 20 years, we shared a lot of fun memories. But she and I are repeating an unhealthy pattern and I’m not interested in going around in circles. Thank you for your comments!
I think she will make trouble at the wedding for you. She will see it as time you should set aside for her as she made the huge trip out there for you. She will not be happy anymore at the wedding then she was at the engagement party. It’s a shame but sometimes we’re not ment to be friends with people our whole lives. it’s wonderful if it works out.
I wouldn’t keep contacting her.
@Lexsy: Ooooh, good points there, Lexsy. There are indeed friends that deserve my time and are thankful for it as I am of them. And, good gravy, it is likely she *would* complain during the wedding itself! Ugh! LOL Well, I think I’ve been holding on to the past. She is a link to it and some good memories of “back home.” There is a comfort knowing we have those shared memories. We’ve grown in different directions. I can accept that and still be her friend but I don’t see that same acceptance coming from her. Thank you for your insight.
@Mrs.tobe: Agreed re: bridesmaid rudeness. Offering a position as bridesmaid does not a bride doormat make! hehe A rude bridesmaid is a rude person first, and rude people aren’t allowed in my life, regardless of their current title. Good for you for talking things out with your Maid/Matron of Honor and realizing matters of friendship exist beyond the wedding. Your comments do help quite a bit! Take care. 🙂
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