Post # 1
So my friend needs advice and I told her I was going to submit her story for the hive…
So my friend at work is in the wedding of a girl who she is good friends with. The bride is having a very elaborate wedding. My friend does not make a lot of money, she is in social services and just finished her master’s degree… so she is already paying on student loans. My friend has already purchased a $300 bridesmaid dress before alterations for this wedding. The bride wants to go to LA for her bachelorette party. Including the flight, my friend is estimating the bachelorette weekend to cost her around $900, considering all of the things on the itinerary. She also is pitching in for a bridal shower at an expensive 5 star restaurant.
So the question is, can she say something about the extravagant costs considering how little money she has… or just suck it up and find a way to pay? She’s not willing to drop out of the wedding because it’s one of her good friends… but she doesn’t know if it’s good etiquette to bring up costs, even with a good friend.
I’m kind of at a loss for advice, because I’ve never been in a wedding! My wedding will be the first wedding I’ve ever been involved in 🙂 What do you guys think?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I think if I were in that situation I would be honest with the bride – that’s such an extravagant bachelorette party, and I would just tell her that I really couldn’t afford it! There is no way she should get mad about people not being able to fork over $900 for a bachelorette party! I’d just tell her “I’m really sorry, I would love to come but money is really tight right now and there’s just no way I can afford it.”
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
I really do think if you can’t afford it then you should opt out of the bachelorette party. I do think that if I were in her shoes, and plunked down an amount of money that I really couldn’t afford to attend the festivities, I would be very bitter and it would cause an amount of discomfort between me and the bride. And who wants that? It’s completely understandable to not be able to afford a lot of extravagance, especially in this rough economic climate. If I were the bridesmaid, I’d have a heart to heart with the bride saying that I would love more than anything to be there, but don’t feel that I can afford it at this moment, and aren’t looking for a handout or charity for me to be able to be there (because that would make me feel bad too if someone had to pay my way). Then, I’d find out what restaurant they were eating at or perhaps the room the bride’s staying in at the hotel, and send a bottle of champagne to her room/table with a note saying how much I wished I could be there and how I can’t wait to see her soon!
Post # 5
I agree. One of my bff had an engagement party in San Francisco, and a shower in NYC and a wedding in Miami. I told her I couldn’t make the shower because of expenses and she paid for the lodging and flight to NYC which I did not ask for but really appreciated. I don’t think she should mind.
Post # 6
I agree that the coworker should be honest. In an ideal world, the bride would be upfront about how much is expected. (And IMO it’s not appropriate to insist your BMs take you on an extravagent bach weekend.)
But giving the bride the benefit of the doubt, if expensive afairs are the norm for her (and she has lots of money) perhaps it really didn’t occur ot her that $300 was a bit much for a dress, or the other things you mentioned. If the bride is that good of a friend to your coworker, she should understand that she doesn’t ahve this kind of money.
Good luck to her.
Post # 7
I think Penguin made an excellent suggestion. Your friend should not be expected, nor feel obliged, to spend money she doesn’t have. But that extra effort to congratulate the bride at the event and show that her thoughts are with them as they celebrate shows just how much cares. I would be incredibly touched by a gesture like that.
Post # 8
I don’t really think it’s up to the bride what kind of bachelorette party is thrown for her. The BMs should consider her wants but ultimately, they’re in charge. I would suggest your friend talk to the other BMs and see how everyone feels about it. I’m sure she’s not the only one who thinks that’s excessive. I’m not sure where they live but I’m sure that it’s possible to have a fun bachelorette party anywhere, no elaborate trip required. And if the bride insists on this huge trip then she has to realize that a lot of people would not be able to come.
Post # 9
Thanks for your advice everyone! I read her all of your answers and she said she is going to have a talk with her and probably bow out of the bachelorette party. Penguin, I liked that champagne idea, I would have never thought of that!
Post # 10
Sounds like a good plan! My roommate’s bridesmaid who is in Hawaii sent Champaigne and we all were very grateful 🙂 It put her in tears and it really was touching because she also sent a very personal note.
My Maid/Matron of Honor lives in Alaska… i’m on the east coast. The others? Cali and Texas. I’m really not expecting anything but them being at my side. Then again, with such an out of state party I don’t have much of a choice. I do have a lot of friends here I hope to “party” with, etc… however, I only moved here less than 3 years ago…
I think if her friend is un-accepting of the gesture etc it’s a pretty trashy move. $300? Lol, half my bridesmaids are social workers and youth ministers…. that’s just not doable… and it wouldn’t be doable for me either! I’ve NEVER spent $300 on a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress. It better be Vera for that price 🙂 And it really better be black or something I can wear a LOT 😉