Post # 1
All right everyone,
I am acknowledging before hand that I made a mistake, so please when you reply, don’t reiterate that to me.
I was choosing my wedding party and gave a lot of thought to whom I wanted to be my bridesmaids. I have two sisters who live about five hours away from me, in the town where the wedding is taking place. Because I’m doing all the planning in my town, I decided to ask my four friends who are going to be helping me to be my bridesmaids. While making this decision I thought my logic was sound and have since followed through and asked my BMs, who all said yes. Unfortunately, I offended one of my sisters by not requesting her presence as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I’ve called and talked to her about it, but she still has hurt feelings. I want to know what I can do to make it up to her. I can’t make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man, because Mister rahrah won’t have it. (Let’s not get into that). What else can I do to recognize my sister to make her feel special and recognized? I certainly didn’t mean to offend her, but I unintentionally hurt her feelings and would love to mend the bridge. What do you suggest?
Thanks in advance,
Miss Doober, to be Mrs. Rahrah
Post # 3
try to involve her in another way. ask her to make a toast or read something meaningful during your ceremony. make sure that she is involved when you are getting ready and all that junk.
Post # 4
If Mr. Rahrah really is against having your sister (for whatever reason, and you support it), then stick to your guns. Perhaps you could visit her in her hometown and go dress shopping for her outfit for the wedding? Make it a special "sisters" trip. Ask her opinion about various wedding details. Make sure she gets a nice corsage the day of, to make her feel recognized. Ask her to do a reading, maybe?
Post # 5
Fiance and I decided early on that we weren’t going to have siblings as part of our wedding party, mainly because we don’t have a close relationship with them. They are very understanding about this and are happy to help out in "back stage." I’m not sure about your relationships with your sisters, but maybe she could be honored in a different role? We are going to ask our siblings to read during the ceremony and will give them corsages/boutonierres to recognize them. Also we are still involving them in the planning, as much as they would like to be involved, so they do not feel left out. Also, what about having your sister help coordinate?
Post # 6
Um… Why does mr rahrah not want to include your sister? If it is something that she did to the both of you, then hey whatever floats your boat. But the fact is, she is you sister. Always will be. No matter what. She may have done something that hurt you, may have done something that upset him but she still is your sister. Now if you just don’t want her to be involved, well then tell her that.
If he won’t budge, then well try to include her in other ways. Maybe have her do a reading, give a toast, something of the like. But nothing really includes a sister like a bridesmaid.
Post # 7
I also have 2 sisters. I think the real issue is that only one sister has a problem with it. I’d call "not a problem" sister and talk it out with her. Make sure she really doesn’t have a problem with it – and how she feels about sister A’s reaction. Really "not a problem" sister either has an issue with you you don’t know about – or thinks sister A is crazy. This seems how my dynamic usually runs.
What’s not fair is to do all this accomodating stuff for sister A and leave "not a problem" sister out of it. Cuz then you could annoy "not a problem" sister and then get ganged up on.
Really I think the best part of being a bridesmaid is the before the wedding time – when the bride is getting ready and your just hanging out. If I was part of that I’d probably be fine.
But I guess some people like wearing the matching dresses. See if you can figure out what she really wants and figure out how to do that. Maybe no matching dress – but if that’s what she would want she’d probably like to read at the wedding.
Post # 8
i asked my sisters before my BMs, but because they’re much older i already knew they didn’t want to be in the wedding. even though they weren’t part of the wedding party, though, they ended up being really involved throughout the process. they pretty much threw my bridal shower (cooked all the food, delegated games and decor to my 2 Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs), and my oldest sister did my makeup. so they were with me as much as my bridesmaids were.
is your sister really good at something? maybe you can tap on her expertise to do a reading like katiethelady suggested. or to sew your garter/veil, or do your hair. and then make sure that you credit her when guests compliment you.
Post # 9
I’m not to sure what your situation is, but Mr S and I at the very start decided we would not be having any say in who the other person wanted to stand up for the other in the wedding. He supported my decision to ask them all, and even when I had to boot one and pick a new one due to her selfish behavior and lack of respect for all people. (in all things, not just wedding realted)
If Mr R doens’t want her in the wedding because of a rift between them, then I think he needs a reality check as to his age. Unless she did something so utterly horrible that all can’t be forgiven to make you happy and support a decision you make – then I think that this issues will extend long and far past simply the wedding party choice. And thats no way to start things off.
If he doens’t want her in because it will make the numbers uneven, ask your photographer to show you shots of un even weddings. Explain she will just walk down with another Bridesmaid or Best Man and Groomsmen, and it actually looks really nice.
Not knowing really why he’s not ok with it makes it hard to help you in what to do as – maybe he dislikes her so much he doens’t want her to do anythign in the wedding, in which case asking her to be a Personal Attendant would work either….
It sounds to me that maybe you made the decsion on who your BMS should be with out asking your sister, not just because these 4 girls were helping you – but maybe let Mr Rs feelings sway you as well.
Post # 10
First of all, let me reassure you that you didn’t make a mistake. You just went with something that you felt was best. Sometimes having siblings in your wedding created more headaches for you (especially if they are very touchy). I have two sisters myself and I didn’t ask either of them. One of them is really touchy and one of them couldn’t care less. So I am in your shoes!
What you can do (since you do really want her to feel included), is ask her to go dress shopping with you (which is a big deal). Just make sure that if you include one sister, you are thinking about your other sister. Maybe treat your sisters as "sisters of the bride" and have them included in the pre wedding things.
Post # 11
Are you having the other sister in your wedding party? I can understand why your sister would be upset if you have one and not the other. Fortunately I have only one sister (though if I have two, I would have them both). Your family (especially sisters) are your family (there are circumstances where friends are more familylike), but like someone else said, it can cause a rift in yours and your fh’s relationship with your sister for years to come. And also like the other comments, not knowing why your fh is against her being involved makes it difficult to comment. Perhaps you can make her your day of coordinator, involved her in your planning by asking her for inputs..ask her what she would like to take part in. Best of luck.
Post # 12
Unfortunately sometimes people just see the Bridesmaid or Best Man position as some kind of single day honor, as opposed to an actual job. Maybe you could talk to your sisters (both of them) and let them know that you would have loved to have them as BMs (little white lie) but know it would be a big imposition since they live so far away. But now that the chores have been handed out (to your actual BMs) you and your sisters can have some fun! My sister lives halfway across the country and has a new baby, so she is not able to be hugely involved in my wedding planning. However we have been talking lots on the phone; I email her pictures of cakes, dresses, and flowers; and especially I enlist her help whenever things get sticky with mom. I did basically the same for her wedding (again, long distance). There are lots of ways to keep your sister involved, if she wants to be, without making her a long-distance Bridesmaid or Best Man (which can be a PITA unless you are pretty committed).
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2018 - Rancho del Cielo, Malibu, CA
what about having your sister be your "personal attendant"? in some cities, brides have their bridesmaids but then also have personal attendants who assist with a lot of the wedding duties, i.e. making sure your make-up is right, helping to handle many of the details, etc…you could also honor her during the reception somehow?
i agree with sweeney2be on understanding why mr rah rah doesn’t want her in the wedding…i have seen a lot of weddings where the bridal party numbers are uneven and it works out beautifully! in fact, we were planning on having an uneven bridal party for a while, though we recently added one other person.
Post # 14
I don’t think you made a mistake. We only had one attendant each. For my Maid/Matron of Honor, I had my BFF, and my now-husband had his brother as his Bridesmaid or Best Man. We didn’t include my brother since I am not close to him, and, well, he is young and a little irresponsible. However, instead of asking him to be in the wedding party itself, we did have him do a reading. Would Mr. Rah Rah be ok with including both of your sisters in this way?
Are your sisters married? Maybe they just have an idea that sisters=BMs, like in the movies, ya know? Also, is Mr. Rah Rah including his siblings at all?
Post # 15
Thanks for all of your advice!