(Closed) Bridesmaid didn't acknowledge shower :(

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

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amoore2:  if she wasn’t a hostess she is not required to help finance.

Post # 47
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

I was in your bridesmaid’s situation a few months ago (out of state, didn’t attend shower), and while I don’t believe I sent well wishes on her shower day either, I did bring her shower gift to her bachelorette a month later since I couldn’t attend both events and wanted to give her the gift in person.  She might not do that either – nor should she be obligated to – but just wanted to point out that the absence of a shower gift now does not mean she is not planning on it, especially if you will see her before the wedding.

ETA: also – this wedding cost me $1,500 to be a part of as an out-of-state bridesmaid.  So I would have been pretty upset to find out that the bride expected any financial contribution on my part, or an additional gift, to an event I couldn’t attend.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by  goblueca.
Post # 48
Member
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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amoore2:  Emotions are valid whether or not justified. In other words, your feelings are hurt and it’s okay to acknowledge them to yourself. But there is no real reason for you to have hurt feelings in this situation. I think you just need to work through your emotions and let this go. You aren’t focusing on the right things here. 

Post # 49
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

From what I understand in this post is that it’s not her personality to do that sort of thing anyways so it seems like you’re expecting way to much from someone who you know, won’t deliver from past experiences. So if she behaved normally as she would have on another occasion, you can’t really fault her for being herself. After 22 years of friendship, you should know her already and if you expected more from her than her usual self, then that is your own “fault”. 

The real issue you will have to face is if you want to be friends with someone who isn’t as thoughtful to you as you would like. But you can’t blame her for being who she is. That’s something you will have to accept or should have accepted already.

I already know my Maid/Matron of Honor will definitely not be a huge help in planning my wedding. We’ve been BFFs for 10 years and I already know that just having her there will be the most i’ll get out of her on that day and i’m okay with that because that is who she is!

 

(I don’t mean to sound rude if I do and if i’m misunderstanding the situation then i’m sorry in advance!! :D)

Post # 50
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

It is entirely possible she didn’t even know about it. At least, that’s how it sounds to me. 

Post # 54
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP, I feel you. I totally get you didn’t expect anything from her but it would’ve been nice to at least get a text or something. One of my BMs lived out of town and she couldn’t make it to my shower but she called one of the other BMs while it was going on and we had a quick chat, and that meant a lot to me.

The truth is some people just don’t make any effort to be thoughtful whatsoever. That’s just who they are and you do have to accept that. Add three children to the mix and I’m sure they’re her only focus; and rightfully so.

Post # 55
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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amoore2:  I get that your feelings are hurt, I honestly do. It’s ok to be hurt about this – you were hoping that she would acknowledge it somehow and she didn’t.

That said, if I read correctly, the Shower only happened this past weekend. It’s entirely possible that she will mention something the next time you two talk. Perhaps she decided to wait to give you a card or gift until she can see you in person or perhaps she decided to give you an extra nice wedding gift. Maybe she felt that she had done all that was required of her by simply RSVPing no. Maybe she completely forgot what day the Shower was because she’s been busy or maybe she just didn’t think you would have time to talk that day.

Honestly, no one – not even you – knows why she didn’t acknowledge it. My best advice? The next time you guys talk just mention that your Shower was this weekend. I’m willing to bet that she’ll ask you how it went and show some interest. If she does then that is really all that counts.

Post # 56
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Can I ask a question- when was the last time you talked to her about non-wedding stuff- just life in general?  If she has 3 kids (I assume younger aged kiddo’s) it is possible that she has other things going on and it either slipped her mind, or she had to priortize things for her family/kids above you (not to be harsh, but immediate needs of a child can come before anyone’s wedding). 

This happened to some friends of mine- the bride thought one of the bridesmaids had just blown her off, in reality she had family medical issues that took all of her time/attention- and they had not had a non-wedding conversation in months, so the bride never knew until after she was upset- granted the bridesmaid should have told the bride what was going on, so they were both to “blame” for the problem. 

While I would not call and ask where she was- maybe a friendly call just to chat about life might help. 

Post # 57
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Happy Shower Day?  Really?  

Post # 58
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

This thread amuses me because on the one hand OP you say you didn’t expect anything (just that ‘it would have been nice if…’) but on the other hand you feel hurt/disappointed, to the extent that you created a thread to complain about it.

From this I conclude that you were expecting something, but you know that socially whilst many of the things you were expecting ‘would have been nice’ they are not accepted as being necessary to your relationship, her position in your bridal party and certainly not required considering she’s an out of town bridesmaid and mother of three. I can think of a lot of things people could do for me that would be nice, but expecting them to read my mind and do them when they aren’t even conventional (and being disappointed when they don’t) could make me a very unhappy person.

This being well discussed we have moved to a friendship tit for tat comparison, which is likely where your expectations have come from. It’s probably time to let that go. You say you aimed to be a thoughtful friend (as her maid of honor), but it sounds more like you were happy to do those things as long as you could expect something similar (factoring in personal circumstances) when it was your turn. It looks like that is unlikely to happen and the faster you let go of these expectations (that you may not even be really admitting to yourself that you have) the happier you will be.

Post # 59
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee

Honey your expectations are too high……there is no card section in Hallmark for “Shower Day” lol. Please read some threads on here about some really BAD bm dilemmas, and youll feel better. All a bridesmaid has to do is buy a dress, help you pee, and show up to the wedding/reception.

Sorry….have a glass of wine and thnk it over. Youll get over it faster once you realize the big picture

Post # 60
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee

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tracyann:  Good point. Didnt think of that

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