(Closed) Bridesmaid didn’t give shower gift…

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Is this the first wedding that she has been to or in?  It’s possible that she didn’t know that she needed to bring a gift.  Aside from that, perhaps you can mention something to your Maid/Matron of Honor who can tactfully mention it to your Bridesmaid or Best Man that your feelings were a bit hurt. 

Post # 5
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry she hurt your feelings… But, I think you should try to be sensitive to her situation.  To be honest what you are describing sounds like an abusive relationship.  Her husband is clearly VERY controlling of her and the fact that he gives her an “allowance” is very disturbing to me.  Does she work and earn her own money?  Or is she completely financially dependant on him? If she doesn’t have access to money for basic needs the least of my worries would be getting a shower present from her.

Post # 6
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

DITTO, moose1209!

I deleted a whole paragraph b/c it’d be considered snark most likely. Your friend sounds like she could use a night away from home without worrying about expenses.

Post # 7
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry you feel hurt, I know how you feel. However I disagree with saying something to the Maid/Matron of Honor so that she can tell her. Why involve a 3rd party? Don’t see the necessicity for that, more drama! For myself, if a friend hurts me I go to that person and talk to them. When did the Maid/Matron of Honor send the invites out? You should talk to her and see if there was something going on. At least she did tell you she didn’t have time and I’m sure she will get you a gift for the wedding. Give her the benefit of a doubt. If I was married to someone that controlling, honestly I would feel scared and feel like I’m walking on egg shells in the matters of money. That is so unhealthy.

Post # 8
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Yikes, sounds like her husband is a bit TOO controlling. I would put money on that being the problem, and she made up the excuse about the shower planning to cover up her husband’s tracks.

Just to put things into perspective for you: I know it sucks when people don’t so much as get you a card for a huge step in your life. But you will eventually get over it. My bridesmaid, who’s like a sister to me, never got me a card for my shower or wedding, and didn’t give a gift for either event, either. It really hurt my feelings because I had no written record of her congratulating us (she isn’t the type to get overly enthused about weddings, so we never really got a verbal “congratulations, either).

Some people are just like that.

Post # 9
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

@Melissa.. don’t worry.. it took a lot of self control to stop myself from going to a snarky place.

Post # 10
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I’m the type of person who, if I can’t find a great gift, I will not get anything at all. I know it is bad, but I have totally tried to go to Walmart or Target last minute to find something (mothers day, fathers day, bday parties, baby gifts, etc) and it never works out! It was just poor planning on her part, but I’ve been guilty of that, so I understand. But that doesn’t mean I care any less about my friends or family. Gifts/cards just aren’t that important to me, and I guess I sometimes overlook how important they might have been to the recipient. Maybe your friend is the same.

I think you should try to not dwell on this. In all honestly, do you really think you would have been satisfied with a card? If she just gave you a card, you’d likely still be upset that she didn’t get you a gift. She can’t go back and fix it, so I’d just let it go.

Post # 11
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

When was your shower?  Is it possible that she’ll get you a belated shower present?  I got a shower gift from my husband’s grandparents two months after the wedding, haha.  Since she mentioned it to you and how she didn’t have time to get a gift, that might be her way of letting you know “Hey, I don’t have a gift for you TODAY, but I’ll be getting you one later” you know?

I agree with what others have said though about her relationship with her husband.  Since he has her on an allowance, she may not have even been able to get you a gift because she didn’t have access to the money.  It sounds like she’s in a bad situation, especially financially, and it sounds like you know that.  I can’t imagine being given an allowance as an adult… that must totally suck.

Post # 12
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@moose – I don’t think an “allowance” is controlling. My best friends have something like this, they each get an “allowance” to buy things that they want & the spouse can’t say anything about it. They spend money on “needs” that’s seperate, but the “wants” is where the allowance comes in. I think its very healthy & I’m going to be doing this with my Fiance once we both have jobs. For now, we don’t buy “wants” because we have no money for it.

@bride – Maybe she’ll get you something later, or maybe something extra at your bachlorette party. She told you about it, she didn’t just hope it would go unnoticed. At least she was there & helped you out but I would guess she’s getting you something later or something.

Post # 13
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

@serabell.. your friends are in a completely different situation.  They made a joint agreement on how much “free” money they would each get from their joint funds to spend guilt free.  This is not how my husband and I handle our finances, but it’s an arrangement I understand and support.  The OP described her friends situation as “he controls all their money and gives her an allowance”.  They are not equal players in the decision making.

Post # 14
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t dwell too much on it. She did spend a lot of time with you before your shower and you should be happy that she made the effort to be there and supportive of your wedding. Giving a gift isn’t the only way to show that you care… giving time is more important (just remember that). Just give your friend the benefit of the doubt and move-on from what happened.

Given what a tighwad her husband is about money and how controlling he is of her, this whole situation shouldn’t be a surprise to you at all. If she were my friend, red flags would be going off in my head and I’d be worried about her well being.

Post # 15
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would be worried, too. I mean, if someone controls ALL of the finances, should something happen down the line, the person with an allowance can be CUT OFF. even if legally she has access to 50% of the money, if she doesn’t know account numbers, passwords, have cards, etc – how is she going to hire the lawyer and accountant or whatever she needs to do to GET the money? :-X

Post # 16
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@moose – ok, I didn’t realize she didn’t agree to the allowance. In my friend’s situation, the husband controls all the money because he is better with finances, however the wife has the same access to the money as he does, they just agree not to spend extra money because there’s bills to pay. If it were in a way that he gets all the money & she gets like $50 a month & has no access to the rest of the money, that’s different. That shows no trust & if an emergency happened & she had no money, that’s not good at all.

@bride – maybe she was counting on buying a card (I know a lot of people who don’t really do crafts) & didn’t have supplies to make a card. If I were going to a bridal shower & had no money & no card, I would feel wierd writing a note, I’d rather get something later. It probably had something to do with the husband. I would feel wierd saying “my husband wouldn’t give me money, so I couldn’t buy you what I wanted to” or maybe she didn’t have enough notice (time) & had already spent her allowance for that month. She sounds legit cause if she didn’t plan on getting you a gift, she wouldn’t have said anything… sounds like she has unusual circumstances. As long as she gives you her time & support, that’s much more important than a gift :).

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