Post # 1
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
Hello everyone! I signed up for this board for some advice from other brides.
I have been friends with “CH” for a few years. When I first met CH she was kind, funny, thoughtful and so much fun to be around. After I became engaged she was thrilled and excited to be a part of our wedding. Over the last few months however, the contact between her and I has dwindled to next to nothing. The only time she now ever asks me to do anything is when she needs someone to “go drinking” with. I ask her to do fun girly things like go out to dinner, go see a movie, go shopping, etc but she is not interested unless she is drinking and meeting guys. I have tried to be patient with her, but recently she did something that really bothered me. At my engagement party I caught her making snide and catty remarks about people at the party whom she had never met, including my fiance’s family. This hurt and I did subtly let her know that her comments would not be tolerated. We recently had a big falling out over something ridiculous (her claiming that I ignored her when I didn’t) and now has not returned my calls or texts. All my friends side with me on this one and think she is being immature and bratty. I have come to the conclusion that I do not need her or her drama around me, my fiance’, and our family and friends during this special time for us. The problem is, she has not returned my texts or calls and I do not feel that I should have to try to contact her for the sixth time. She clearly does not value our friendship. However I feel bad just kicking her out of the wedding and not telling her. Shouldn’t I tell her she’s not in the wedding anymore or should I just let the friendship “fizzle” out? What would you do?
I should add that my mom thinks she is a drama queen, my fiance’ is upset with her, and all of my bridesmaids said they are “done with her.” I hate to throw away a friendship, but based on this I am REALLY in a tough spot. 🙁
Post # 3
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
if she really is a friend, you need to sit her down and talk to her, tell her how you feel. maybe she does not relize how she is hurting you, or maybe she has her own reasons for her behavior.
if she reacts to the discussion badly, give her a few days, maybe she will come around. if she does not, then just straight up tell her she’s out of the wedding. treat it like you would a break up: do it in person.
Post # 4
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
I would like to talk about it with her in person but she is refusing my texts and phone calls. Should I just show up at her house?
Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
You have a while still to your wedding. Its possible this is her way to backing out of the wedding so I would give her a month before trying to contact her again. If you still can’t get ahold of her then I would write a letter and mail it to her.
Post # 6
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
@BlondieBrideGirl: It sounds like she took herself out of the wedding. That happened to a friend of mine. She had a falling out with a bm, tried contacting her, never heard back. So after a month of no contact, she replaced her. They still to this day have not talked to eachother. So you could try talking to her one more time, ask her if she would still like to be apart of the festivities and if you don’t hear from her, she’s out. Are you still early in the planning process? No dresses purchased yet? I would feel less bad about it, if she hasn’t put money into it. But you don’t want to look back at these pictures and regret who is standing next to you.
Post # 7
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
@MissCallieJean: Yes, still early in the planning process, no dresses purchased. And you hit the nail on the head with your comment about not wanting to look back at the pictures and regret it. She has caused so much drama lately and I’m not sure I can look past the fact that she made nasty comments about my fiance’s friends and family at my own engagement party without ever even speaking to them first. What kind of a friend does that?
Post # 8
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
@lefeymw: You have a good point. Maybe she is just over the friendship and this is her way of getting out of being in the bridal party. Maybe that is the reason she has been causing drama and acting out of character. I wish she would talk to me so I could find out!
Post # 9
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
@BlondieBrideGirl: That was a really crappy thing to do. I wouldn’t be happy about it either. Honestly it sounds like she removed herself from the wedding.
Post # 10
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
what @MissCallieJean: said.
if she is refusing to even reply to texts and phone messages, sounds like she is trying to remove herself from the entire friendship, not just the wedding! in this case, I don’t even think you need a graceful way of firing her. text it to her, it sounds like she deserves that!
Post # 11
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
Can I play devil’s advocate here and raise a couple of thoughts? I don’t think she should be making snide remarks about people, especially your FI’s family, but is this customary for her, or is it a new thing? Has she always been a drama queen? If so, I can’t see how this is a surprise, and if not, I think you need to consider that something is going on with her lately. Is it possible that you are spending a lot of time with your Fiance and with wedding planning and she is feeling lonely or feeling like you have changed since you got engaged? A lot of engaged/married women talk about how their single friends are no longer interested in hanging out with them, but people don’t talk as much about how it works the other way, too. Some women get engaged and think they can no longer have any fun or go out on the town with their single friends like they used to. If she wants to meet a guy, is there any reason you can’t be her wingman and go out to a few bars with her? (Unless, as stated before, this is new behavior for her and drinking together was never something that happened in your relationship.)
None of this is an excuse for her acting like a brat, but if she is/was an important friend then I think you need to do some digging. You may not feel like you ignored her, but maybe she feels that you did. Aren’t her feelings valid, even if ignoring her wasn’t your intent? If this is someone who has not always been an attention whore or drama queen, then I would try to figure out where and why the change occurred. Nice, thoughtful people do not just turn into drama queens overnight because they decide they need a lifestyle change. And while I somewhat understand the “not wanting drama around me during this special time” – you have almost a year until your wedding. You should not choose to stop cultivating interpersonal relationships and stop helping friends with their own problems just because you will be planning your wedding for the next year. Life is happening for everyone, and I think sometimes we lose sight of that and fall out of touch with our own compassion for others.
I say make up with her, go have a beer like she wants, and see if she opens back up to you. Movies don’t always do it – sometimes a girl just needs a damn drink. 🙂
Post # 12
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
If she won’t answer your calls so you can’t tell her in person, I’d simply send her an email and say “Hey…due to your behavior over the past XX months and the way you’ve acted toward my future family, I’d prefer that you not be a bridesmaid at my wedding.
I want my maids to be nothing but supportive, and your actions have me questioning if you’re ready for that”
If you still plan to invite her, say you hope she will still plan to attend and share in the day.
Post # 13
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
This happened to me. I had a huge falling out with a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and we have rarely spoken since. Actually, she sounds a decent amount like your friend. Anyway, you do not need to do or say anything. She has removed herself from the wedding and from your life. It would be redundant to contact her to let her know she’s not in your wedding party. Respect the decision that she’s made, and let this one go.
Post # 14
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
i would give her a month. then instead of calling or texting, write an email to her explaining your feelings and that you’d really like to be able to talk to her in person about this. after you write it, sleep on it for the night without sending it. then re read it and make sure it doesn’t come off too harsh.
if after that, she doesn’t want to respond, she has obviously decided to remove herself from the wedding and the friendship.
i’m sorry you have to deal with this. weddings can bring on a lot of stress and its a thin line we all walk with our friendships. wanting them to understand the importance of your day while still remembering to be there for them.
Post # 15
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
Although she is not returning your calls, I think you should reach out once more to inform her that she is not needed as a Bridesmaid or Best Man but welcome to attend the wedding as a guest (if that is an option). I would leave a voicemail and an email and any other contact sources.
Post # 16
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
ALL my friends side with me on this one and think she is being immature and bratty.
my only suggestion is you shouldnt be discussing this problem with all and sundry either – you are no longer in high school so try keep the problem in house and with only a selected few people that you can trust. just as her behaviour may be bratty so is gossiping with others
