(Closed) Bridesmaid Dilema – How to gracefully “fire” a BM

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

if she really is a friend, you need to sit her down and talk to her, tell her how you feel. maybe she does not relize how she is hurting you, or maybe she has her own reasons for her behavior.

if she reacts to the discussion badly, give her a few days, maybe she will come around. if she does not, then just straight up tell her she’s out of the wedding. treat it like you would a break up: do it in person.

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

You have a while still to your wedding. Its possible this is her way to backing out of the wedding so I would give her a month before trying to contact her again. If you still can’t get ahold of her then I would write a letter and mail it to her.

Post # 6
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@BlondieBrideGirl: It sounds like she took herself out of the wedding. That happened to a friend of mine. She had a falling out with a bm, tried contacting her, never heard back. So after a month of no contact, she replaced her. They still to this day have not talked to eachother. So you could try talking to her one more time, ask her if she would still like to be apart of the festivities and if you don’t hear from her, she’s out. Are you still early in the planning process? No dresses purchased yet? I would feel less bad about it, if she hasn’t put money into it. But you don’t want to look back at these pictures and regret who is standing next to you.

Post # 9
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@BlondieBrideGirl: That was a really crappy thing to do. I wouldn’t be happy about it either. Honestly it sounds like she removed herself from the wedding.

Post # 10
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

 what  @MissCallieJean: said.

if she is refusing to even reply to texts and phone messages, sounds like she is trying to remove herself from the entire friendship, not just the wedding! in this case, I don’t even think you need a graceful way of firing her.  text it to her, it sounds like she deserves that!

Post # 11
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Can I play devil’s advocate here and raise a couple of thoughts?  I don’t think she should be making snide remarks about people, especially your FI’s family, but is this customary for her, or is it a new thing?  Has she always been a drama queen?  If so, I can’t see how this is a surprise, and if not, I think you need to consider that something is going on with her lately.  Is it possible that you are spending a lot of time with your Fiance and with wedding planning and she is feeling lonely or feeling like you have changed since you got engaged?  A lot of engaged/married women talk about how their single friends are no longer interested in hanging out with them, but people don’t talk as much about how it works the other way, too.  Some women get engaged and think they can no longer have any fun or go out on the town with their single friends like they used to.  If she wants to meet a guy, is there any reason you can’t be her wingman and go out to a few bars with her?  (Unless, as stated before, this is new behavior for her and drinking together was never something that happened in your relationship.)

None of this is an excuse for her acting like a brat, but if she is/was an important friend then I think you need to do some digging.  You may not feel like you ignored her, but maybe she feels that you did.  Aren’t her feelings valid, even if ignoring her wasn’t your intent?  If this is someone who has not always been an attention whore or drama queen, then I would try to figure out where and why the change occurred.  Nice, thoughtful people do not just turn into drama queens overnight because they decide they need a lifestyle change.  And while I somewhat understand the “not wanting drama around me during this special time” – you have almost a year until your wedding.  You should not choose to stop cultivating interpersonal relationships and stop helping friends with their own problems just because you will be planning your wedding for the next year.  Life is happening for everyone, and I think sometimes we lose sight of that and fall out of touch with our own compassion for others.

I say make up with her, go have a beer like she wants, and see if she opens back up to you.  Movies don’t always do it – sometimes a girl just needs a damn drink.  🙂

Post # 12
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If she won’t answer your calls so you can’t tell her in person, I’d simply send her an email and say “Hey…due to your behavior over the past XX months and the way you’ve acted toward my future family, I’d prefer that you not be a bridesmaid at my wedding.

I want my maids to be nothing but supportive, and your actions have me questioning if you’re ready for that”

If you still plan to invite her, say you hope she will still plan to attend and share in the day.

Post # 13
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

This happened to me. I had a huge falling out with a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and we have rarely spoken since. Actually, she sounds a decent amount like your friend. Anyway, you do not need to do or say anything. She has removed herself from the wedding and from your life. It would be redundant to contact her to let her know she’s not in your wedding party. Respect the decision that she’s made, and let this one go.

Post # 14
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i would give her a month. then instead of calling or texting, write an email to her explaining your feelings and that you’d really like to be able to talk to her in person about this. after you write it, sleep on it for the night without sending it. then re read it and make sure it doesn’t come off too harsh.

if after that, she doesn’t want to respond, she has obviously decided to remove herself from the wedding and the friendship.

i’m sorry you have to deal with this. weddings can bring on a lot of stress and its a thin line we all walk with our friendships. wanting them to understand the importance of your day while still remembering to be there for them.

Post # 15
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Although she is not returning your calls, I think you should reach out once more to inform her that she is not needed as a Bridesmaid or Best Man but welcome to attend the wedding as a guest (if that is an option). I would leave a voicemail and an email and any other contact sources.

Post # 16
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

ALL my friends side with me on this one and think she is being immature and bratty.

my only suggestion is you shouldnt be discussing this problem with all and sundry either – you are no longer in high school so try keep the problem in house and with only a selected few people that you can trust. just as her behaviour may be bratty so is gossiping with others

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