(Closed) bridesmaid dilema! please help!

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If she is a close friend are you comfortable approaching her about your feelings. I agree that you should be understanding of her time constraints with a young child at home, and since she is at work 8 hours a day she is going to cherish her free time with her child at this phase where all the firsts are happening. One of my bridesmaids has a kindergartner, a toddler, and is 7 months pregnant. When I asked her, I just assumed she wouldn’t have much time because I know how busy she is (compared to me with a teenager, and my sis with no kids). I asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man because I wanted her to share our day. Although, I have had my moments where I feel like I’m putting her out, get anxious, and then feel guilty for feeling all that. Vicious cycle. I talk to my Fiance about it, and he says…tell her, she probably doesn’t know you feel that way.

So, I pass on my FI’s advice…I would just say talk to her about your feelings, she might not realize you feel that way, and talking to her may spur her to concentrate on trying a little bit harder when she has time available.

Post # 4
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think you should start by just asking her if she wants out.

Post # 5
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m going through something similar with one of my bridesmaids and my Maid/Matron of Honor has an 9 month old and she’s been extremely helpful so I think there may be more to it than the baby thing. It seems like in her mind she has more important things to deal with at the moment. Being that she is supposed to be a friend and she accepted your offer to be a bridesmaid, she should be be doing her part for the sake of wanting to make your special day, just that-special. You need to have a talk to her and discuss your concerns and feelings asap.

Post # 6
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

WOW same dilemma with me… excluding the kid part. i have one Bridesmaid or Best Man that doesn’t do anything. i haven’t seen her for over a year. she tells me she doesn’t know if she can make it to any of the events like bridal shower, bachelorette, dress trial! and she has actually texted me saying she will be able to go to the shower this saturday… wow we will see. i asked her if she has bought her shoes and she said that it got lost in the mail….. things hardly get lost in the mail!!

just demote your BM! i don’t think i have to do that with mine, cuz she probably won’t even show up!!

Post # 7
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@spoonoutmyheart: What is wrong with these girls?! ugghhh this is so frustrating. My shower was this past weekend and the trouble Bridesmaid or Best Man didn’t rsvp but showed up miserable, texted the entire time, and left after a half hour. So I’m curious to see how it goes for you. All of my girls were talking about shoes, hair, makeup etc at the head table and when we asked if she got shoes she replied “oh,no, not yet” then when told we need a final count for makeup, do you want it done? she replied “i don’t know” She told me she forgot to rsvp to the shower, and she can’t make it to the bach. party because her sister just got engaged last week and they have to go dress shopping. Talk about blatant lies.

Post # 8
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man does not mean that you have to throw the bride a shower. I know that your other BM’s are, but everyone’s life situation is different and we all have different stressors going on.

I do think that she should go to the rehersal, unless she is from Out of Town and it is hard for her to make it or it is on a week night and she has to work, which can be difficult for some people. (we all have been in weddings before and can walk down an aisle at this point it is not rocket science)

As long as she is there supporting you on your big day, that is all that should be required.

I am only standing up for her because I was in a wedding where the bride was micro managing and we (me and the bride) got in a fight on the wedding day(I appologized). I was SO stressed with school the LAST thing I wanted to do was hear her tell me what color eye shadow I had to wear! The night before the wedding she never said a word to me at the rehersal either and it was crazy long! We haven’t talk since the wedding, its been 6 months. I was the Bm behind throwing her a shower and everying thing so that makes no difference. Just be happy that she will be there on your big day to support you.

Post # 9
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Ellabellaxo i feel you!!! it’s like they are one person. so get this, the rsvp’s for the wedding were due on friday (april 15) and i reminded her the monday before that it was due and to turn it in… well she didn’t even do that. not to mention she forced me to invite her sister whom I am friends with, but havent spoken to in a long time so she wasn’t on the list, but sure we sent her one because i was forced to… well she didn’t respond either. these BMs we have have serious problems! they probably think they just need to show up to the wedding. and if she doesn’t show up to the shower, i am going to go crazy. the same goes for the bachelorette. i told her half a year in advance to get these days off and she is still giving me the excuse of “i don’t know if i can take it off.” and “you don’t know my boss, she is really mean”

oh she clearly has no problems paying for things and not showing up. she did it to a concert we were suppose to go to. she bought the ticket, but didn’t go. so i’m sure buying the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress doesn’t matter

Post # 11
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t think not bringing soda to a wedding shower is a poor character trait. You listed that she has a new baby and works full time, maybe she has other responsibilities that are more pressing during this time? As her good friend, you should express your concern and see if there is something going on that you might not be aware of. If you are expecting more support than just being there for you on your wedding day, maybe you should try talking with her and explain your expectations for her as a bridesmaid.

Post # 14
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@aug28_11_143: I understand your frustrations with her. Perhaps when she first accepted being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she didn’t realize that having a child and all the changes/dynamics therein would be as much of a challenge as she is truly experiencing. Perhaps she is trying to uphold some semblance of being there for you but is also frustrated with herself not being able to commit as much as she would like. I think now is the time for you to speak with her face-to-face and check in. Ask how she’s doing, how her life is going. You obviously care for her very much and are looking out for her best interest as well as your own plans. Ask her if she is comfortable continuing as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or if she’d rather just bow out. You would still welcome her at the wedding itself but you’re realizing she’s having trouble keeping up and don’t want to burden her (nor yourself and the other BMs.) I think that is a fair thing to discuss with her and hope it goes well for you. Try your best to breathe, be understanding, and acknowledge her needs as much as you’d like her to acknowledge your own.

Post # 15
Member
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

The only thing you can do at this point would be to talk to her. Calmly and rationally. Maybe she does want out. Maybe she really is too busy. I hate to say it, but life does get in the way. Sometimes things come up with my family, and I’m sorry, but my family comes first. Always. That may seem harsh, but I would expect no less from all my friends.

You need to talk to her. Until you do, you will have no peace of mind. What’s the worst that can happen? At this point not much if you are already feeling so terrible about the situtation. I promise, it will not work itself out on it’s own. Make the first move.

Just remember, even though you *think* you may have her life all figured out… No one can ever TRULY know what’s going on in the life of another, only what they choose to tell them.

Just my two cents….

@Cornflakegirl: Try your best to breathe, be understanding, and acknowledge her needs as much as you’d like her to acknowledge your own.

I totally agree witht his last statement!

Post # 16
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@aug28 11 143: I agree, being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is more than standing there. Being a friend is more than standing there. It’s about showing love, support and showing that she cares. There may be other things going on in her life that you don’t know about, I would mention that to her in your conversation- how you understand that this may be the case. She sounds like shes not being a friend, let alone a Bridesmaid or Best Man though. I would try to schedule a sit down, face to face with her asap before you drive yourself crazy wondering.

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