(Closed) Bridesmaid dilemma!!!!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
3437 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Honestly in your case I wouldn’t have a bridal party at all. Seems like the circumstances are creating stress and problems for all involved.

While I feel the bridesmaid telling you she can no longer pay for her portion isn’t ideal at least she did let you know. Whatever else she’s paying for or doing is irrelevant, she’s stating she won’t pay her portion for your wedding and I suggest you accept her word on it. Especially since she refuses to respond further.


Post # 3
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

as there was a 90 clause in the contracts wd signed

I don’t even know what this means.

What can you solve? You cannot dictate how she spends her money. If she doesn’t have it or want to spend it then what else can you do? The other bridesmaids can be ticked at her but that is between them, not you.

Post # 4
3323 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You can’t force her to pay for a hotel, hair and makeup. It sucks that you signed a shitty contract, but that’s not her fault. Also, the other bridesmaid should just get a cheaper hotel/not have one. 

I’m sure you can find $90 from somewhere, or get your mom/MIL to take her place for h&mu.

Post # 5
1632 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I agree that you can’t require BM’s to pay for hair, makeup, and hotel. But for me, the question here is, what kind of discussions did you have with them about this? Did you ask them, hey, do you want pro hair and makeup and to stay in the hotel room? If you gave them a choice and they agreed they wanted those things, and they were aware a contract was being signed and/or money fronted for them in reliance on their agreement to pay for those things, arguably they have a moral duty to follow through and pay for those things (even if not a legal one).

Let me put it this way: I can’t force my friend to take a trip with me. But if we talk about a trip and we agree to take one and we agree (in writing, no less) that I’ll book the hotel and she’ll pay me back, then I think we can all agree that if we get to the point where I can’t cancel and get a refund and all of a sudden she says she doesn’t want to go and doesn’t want to pay me back, simply because she has decided to spend her money some other way, that she is at least ethically in the wrong.

Arguably, if there is a paper trail where you indicate you are signing a contract for X amount for hair and makeup, and they agree to pay you for their share, there could be a legal obligation on their part, too. But let’s be honest, you’re not going to take your BM’s to small claims over hair and makeup.

Theres nothing you can do besides what you’ve already done, which is to ask if she’ll follow through on her end. Take this as a lesson learned in fronting money for people, which is something that can be very dangerous to do, even if they are friends. And possibly also a learning experience as to which of your friends is willing to leave you hanging on something like this.

And again, this all assumes your BM’s made a choice to agree to this stuff, rather than you deciding they needed to pay for hair and makeup and hotel and telling them this is what they owed you. The two are completely different scenarios.

ETA: Your other BM’s who are still paying/participating should NOT have to eat the cost from this other girl deciding not to pay. Sorry, I know that places the financial burden on you, but it’s not the other BMs’ fault.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by GreenGables.
Post # 6
10315 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

The absolute last thing you should do is have the other bridesmaids pay. Cut something somewhere to come up with the difference.


Post # 9
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You really signed a bad contract.  I didn’t have to confirmed H&MU until 10 days out.  I knew I was definitely paying for my own, mom’s, and my sister’s, so I confirmed at least 3 if not more, depending on the other BMs.  I would talk to your H&MU vendor and see if they can cancel.  You’re only 3 days over the deadline.  You should cover the $70 difference for the hotel room if you can’t change it.  Since you booked a bigger room, can’t you downgrade to a smaller room?  I’m not sure why everything is nonrefundable at this point.  Sounds like you got a bad deal.

Post # 10
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

She gave you three months notice she didn’t want to pay for everything. That’s more than enough. It’s not her fault you signed an insane contract. Also, how she earns (“Of course she can afford it, she works 16 hours a day!!”) or spends (“OMG A MUSIC FESTIVAL!”) her money is none of your business. If she says she can’t afford it, your job is to graciously say “I’m sorry, Mary. We look forward to seeing you on the big day!”, not try to line-item her budget looking for gaps.

Post # 11
7580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Sounds like you’re spending other people’s money which is a really bad idea, because you are on the hook for the commitment since you signed the contract, but you can’t control whether the money is actually there or not. If you don’t have an extra $120 to cover for her, then neither one of you could have afforded these expenses. people can say “yes” all day long but that doesn’t change their bank balance. Cancel the contract, eat the deposit, have everyone do their own hair and makeup, and consider it a lesson learned. If you can cancel the hotel room too, even better. You may feel like your friend let you down but you shouldn’t have made all these expenses mandatory and you shouldn’t be mixing business (all these contracts involving other people’s money) with Friendships. 

Post # 12
299 posts
Helper bee

Wow what a crappy situation! Im sorry bee 🙁

And I get that people are saying you can’t dictate how people spend their money, which i agree but damn

You dont ask random people to be in your bridal party, you ask people who are close to you. And everyone has the right to say no or choose to not be a part of it when they realize they can’t afford it, there’s nothing wrong with that. But being so close to the wedding, i think it was very shitty of them to do that to you. It’s not like you forced them to do anything, these are things eveyone agreed to prior! I get that things happen they we don’t forsee, but considering a lot of your girls dropped out, knowing what that meant, it’s just ethically wrong even if you dont have any legal right to do anything about it.

I wish I had a good answer for you but the bridesmaids who are still there for you shouldnt have to pay for the extra costs because of your shitty ex bridesmaids. They are there based on the expenses they agreed on, it’s not their fault that the other girls were inconsiderate enough to leave you guys like that . Maybe a family member an help out, or like another poste said, cut something out in thr budget.

I’d still be upset regardless if anyone thought i had the right to be. Hang in there bee

Post # 13
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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slomotion :  This!

Post # 14
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Sucky situation; but if she has no money she has no money. You cant tell her where to put her money towards… BUT she in wrong in the fact she agreed to it. Anyway, what is done is done; I see two solutions:

1. You seem to have lots of Bridesmaid or Best Man drama. Idk what the deal is, maybe go without BMs, or just kindly tell eveyone you are stressed, money is obviously an issue for you all; and if anyone needs to back out now- please do so and it will be fine, but hope you make it to the wedding!.

2. ask her if she is comfortable doing her own hair and makeup?

also, I realize you are still out that money- sucks, but it doesnt seem there is much to do about that part.

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