Post # 1
Sorry in advance for the long post!!!
Not really sure what to do about this, so I figured I’d ask the hive.
I have two best friends from different times in my life. Unfortunately, they hate each other, and I’m not sure if they are going to get over it for the wedding. When I got engaged (about a year ago) I asked the one who I have known longer to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I had to break it to the other friend that she would not be the Maid/Matron of Honor, but asked if she would be a bridesmaid. She seemed very disappointed, and asked me to reconsider (rude right?).
Ever since she found out that she wasn’t the Maid/Matron of Honor, she has been acting very strange (I’m assuming it’s jealousy, but I hate being one of those girls that assumes that). For example, while on a trip to Disneyland with a group of our friends, she and her boyfriend of 1 month pretended to get engaged, and even went as far as to get bride and groom mickey and minnie hats, as well as a fake engagement ring. She took it a step further when we got home, and changed her status to engaged on Facebook (so dumb that I care about Facebook this much, but whatever). She has fought me on every decision that I have made about the wedding, including what colors I wanted, where I wanted it, and who else would be in the bridal party. I still consider her to be a good friend, but her antics are starting to stress me out (and the wedding is still a year and a half away!).
What do you guys think I should do? I can’t de-bridesmaid her, and I think if I talk to her about it she will get defensive and act even worse. Help!
Post # 3
I’m sorry you have to deal with that kind of drama…
I can’t really think of any other way for you to deal with her other than having a long conversation about it all. We are all human, and who knows what her insecurities are…but being a friend means being supportive and happy for the other’s happiness…
I would just say to strategize exactly how you will bring it up to her…start off with telling her how important she is to you and how much you love here, how many things you’ve been through together, etc…and then say that youve been getting a wierd vibe and were hoping that you guys could discuss any feelings she may be having about being a Bridesmaid instead of Maid/Matron of Honor, etc…
Post # 4
What I would suggest is not including her in the wedding planning. Have her show up, but at this point to ask her opinion or involve her in important appointments like dress fittings, picking flowers, etc I would definitly leave her out. I understand your concern over talking to her about this, so maybe you can put your feelings in a letter or email. let her now how her actions have hurt you and this is a joyous time for you, you would hate to look back on it years from now and have bad memories because of how she is acting. If she can’t be supportive she can’t be involved.
Post # 5
It sounds like her behavior is likely to become worse as the wedding nears and it might be wisest to nip this in the bud before that happens. You can do so via confrontation or just giving her tasks that take her out of the planning process per se, but still keep her otherwise involved (see Pilotsgirl09’s great comment above.)
Still, if you plan a confrontation, perhaps you can put it to her like this: Let her know that you’re excited to have her as a bridesmaid to share and support you during this exciting time. This way, you’re acknowledging her right away, and making her feel better about her position. Her position, by the way, is a position of HONOR to witness an event important in your life — this is not about the weight of the friendship in terms of Maid/Matron of Honor or anything, so do your best not to have her steer the conversation toward that. Then, state that you expect details to get more cumbersome in the coming months and you’d like her support in the following ways (insert exactly however you feel she would be best suited in “helping” from here on out.) Finally, ask her if she is still interested in being a Bridesmaid or Best Man knowing these parameters? If she a) flips out at you and gets defensive in some rude way, it is *she* that has taken herself out of the running as opposed to you asking her to step down. See how that works? It is now *her* CHOICE. Alternatively, she may b) say yes I do still want to be a part of your wedding and I’ll do my best to step up to the plate and help you as you see fit. If she answers with a) thank her for her frankness and let bygones be bygones. If she answers with b) thank her for meeting *your* needs and let her know you’ll be checking in from time to time so that you each remain on the same page. This way, you let her know gracefully that you have kept the door open to revisit this if need be. What do you think?
Post # 6
Thanks for all of the suggestions! I am probably going to have a talk with her in a non-aggressive way, or I may have a mutual friend ask her what she is thinking (also in a non-aggressive way).
Thanks again everyone!
Post # 7
Dear Jbug, you CAN absolutely de-bridesmaid her! someone who is ruining the happiness of your wedding planning should not be included in the group of special friends you have carefully selected to be part of one of the happiest days of your life. I did it myself because of a similar situation.
Ask her out to lunch just the two of you and kindly but firmly discuss your discontent about the way she is acting. Remind her this is one of the happiest times of your life and would like to enjoy it without having to deal with problems stemming from the way she feels about your choice of Maid/Matron of Honor. Maybe you could let her know your history with the other girl whom you chose to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Then end with letting her know that if things don’t change that you will have no other choice but to take her off the wedding party.
Remember that you have no obligation to have anyone as part of your wedding. I was glad I did not include my friend in our wedding, it was sad for me, as I had always pictured her in it, but happy in the end that I didn’t have anything to keep me from enjoying every detail of the planning or the wedding itself.