Post # 1
Hello fellow bee’s!
I need some help and advice! I am having a lot of trouble with my bridesmaids! I am having a huge problem getting ahold of them and communicating! I have 3 maids, one is my Future Sister-In-Law, a high school friend and my Maid/Matron of Honor is a mutual friend, her Husband is susposed to be the best man. We have been engaged since september 2011 and we asked our wedding party the same month to be part of our wedding. All dresses have been ordered and are all at my house. My Future Sister-In-Law and I had a rough start years again and we have since made up and she has been great, been there for me through the whole process. Now as far as the other 2 girls. They have not called to see how thigns are going or anything. They claim they would do anythign for us, expect for be there and support us? So we are down to 2 months before the wedding and we have had no help or communication. Now I am ok with doing all the planning on my own, I would much rather have the control. But the girls have not been a part of shoes or anything that requires them to be involved with. I have choosen the shoe I want them all to wear. I tried sending out several emails asking their opinions and not responses. So my Future Sister-In-Law and I picked them and I emailed the others telling them the ordering information. I have sent out 3 emails reminding them and no one ever responds. Finally after talking to the MOH’s Husband she responded to my last shoe email. She is saying that she has a pair of shoes that she is planning on wearing! What? No one ever asked me! I wanted everyone to match and my Future Sister-In-Law has gotten her shoes like I asked. Now we are down to alterations. One girl wants to do her own and the other has choosen her own shop to make the alterations. I have expressed my concern that if someone else messes up the dress we are screwed. if David’s Bridal makes the alterations, where we bought the dresses, they will replace it. All I want them to do is have alterations done and buy the shoes! Am I being unreasonable? Than I was never informed of any planning for a Bridal Shower. My mom is very excited about me getting married and wanting to help. In the beginning I had told mom that the Maid/Matron of Honor has the shower covered. With barely 2 months to go, i have heard nothing, so I sat down with my Mom and Future Sister-In-Law and planned the shower. So now I was called cruel because I did not go through the proper channels to let the Maid/Matron of Honor know. The Maid/Matron of Honor wanted to have the shower on days that didnt work for me, my family or my future family. Forgive me if I am wrong, but isnt this susposed to be about me and our families? I would love some feed back! Thanks everyone!
Post # 3
I dont have much in the way of advice, but i am sorry you are going through this. The one thing i have really learned through planning my wedding is how much people’s true colours really come out.
Post # 4
Thank you! I keep trying to remember that at the end of all of this we will be married, the marriage is the most important to me….
Post # 5
@Rhodewl: Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’ve read about 3 posts about how brides think their bridesmaids are being unreasonable. I’m sorry, but you are the one being unreasonable. Are you paying for their shoes? If not, they should be able to wear whatever shoes they want to. Are you paying for their alterations? If not, they should be able to get them done anywhere. It’s not difficult to hem a dress.
Bridesmaids are not slaves. They are not required to help you with your planning, nor are they required to throw you a bridal shower. If your bridesmaids are buying the dress and their shoes, all they need to do is show up the day of the wedding making sure their dress fits.
Again, sorry if this is harsh, but I’ve never seen more brides expect so much out of their bridesmaids.
Post # 6
Well, I might as well spit out these three things since eventually someone will, so why not me? 1 — under no circumstances should the bride plan or be involved in planning her own bridal shower. If I were your Maid/Matron of Honor, I would be pissed as well. and 2 — if it’s that important to you that they all wear a certain pair of shoes, then you should pay for them. And 3 — if they want to get their alterations done somewhere else, and if they understand that DB will not replace the dress if something goes wrong, then what does it matter to you where they get the alterations done? If the dress gets messed up, they buy a new one. Check and mate.
That being said, just try to remember why you chose these girls to be your bridesmaids in the first place. They are your best friends! Do you really want to strain the friendship over something as silly as a pair of shoes?? Just zoom out for a second, take a deep breath, and know that everything will come together just fine and your wedding will be great!
Post # 7
Try to relax and realize none of this will be the end of the world.
1. If you want to speak with them I suggest calling – it’s much harder to ignore a call then an email
2. Let them get their alterations where it is most convenient to them – I’m sure there is nothing crazy to be altered that they will be messed up
3. I think you should let the shoes slide if you aren’t going to pay for them. Whether them not ordering them is a $ thing or not, if you are adament about them wearing the shoes than I say it’s just easier to avoid the drama, buy them and ask them to please wear them during the ceremony and pictures – after that they can change them if they’d like.
Post # 8
One thing that stood out to me – do you just send the email, or are you calling them too? Sometimes a phone call gets attention that emails don’t.
The shoe thing is up in the air for me, i think you have a right to want everyone matching (but who pays is an issue) and when you were sending the emails if someone had a problem with that, why didn’t they speak up then so you guys could figure out the best solution together?
Post # 9
I call, Text and email these girls and I get nothing from them. I have been polite about everything and asking if anyone has a problem with the price and again nothing. I dont expect them to plan with me or what ever. I do expect to be consulted about dates and have my feelings respected. If my family cannot make it and they are very importatnt to me, I dont want to have events without them!
Post # 10
Seriously, is there something in the water lately? There’s been nothing but bridesmaid bitching for days around here.
OP: Did you think about picking up a phone and calling these girls? You probably could have avoided some unnecessary stress had you taken the initiative to reach out to them in a more personal way. I only ever email someone if I’m not looking for a reply right away. I’m terrible at responding to emails so I can’t place much blame on others when it comes to it.
Shoes: I personally think that bridesmaids should be able to choose their own shoes since not everyone is comfortable in the same style. If there’s any kind of heel, my feet will be throbbing before the ceremony is even over. If a bride expects me to pull off the typical bridesmaid role during her wedding (i.e. stand for the ceremony, be there for pictures and hit the dance floor during the reception), she’s going to want to want me to choose my own shoes. That, or I can be miserable which generally doesn’t look cute in pictures.
Alternations: What’s the big deal? If the girls are confident in their own abilities or those of their seamstress that they assumingly know, I’m sure there won’t be any issues. To be honest, I’ve heard more horror stories about DB alterations than any private seamstress out there. Sure, maybe they’ll replace the dress if they f it up but they shouldn’t even get to that point if they know how to properly alter the gown.
ETA: Saw your update.
Post # 12
Shoes can be tricky, because not everyone can comfortably wear heels, or flats, or certain types of straps. I agree with PPs that if you declare they need to wear this specific shoe from store X in Y color, you need to pay. If you say something like “dressy silver shoes” then they can pick out their own and be comfortable.
A note on alterations – I really don’t understand the trend of getting bridesmaid dresses altered. I wouldn’t buy an off-the-rack dress and get it altered. I’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times, and only needed alterations once – my mother added a few stitches in the lowest part of a v-neck halter so that my cleavage wasn’t inappropriate for a church wedding.
Post # 13
I’ve never not had to have a bridesmaid dress altered! I run on the super short side so I almost always have to have my dress hemmed, and have the straps taken in. I would never choose a dress from a dept. store that needed alterations, but since I don’t have a say in the bridesmaid dresses, I don’t have a choice but to wear a knee length dress that comes down to my calves, or alter. Whoever doesn’t have to do that is lucky!
Post # 14
– The shoe thing. Let it go unless you want to buy the shoes for all of the girls.
– Does it REALLY matter where the girls get the alterations done? Davids Bridal is notorious for having a terrible alterations department – you really don’t need to worry about where they get that done, it will be fine, again unless you want to pay for their alterations.
– Planning a shower is not supposed to be done by the bride. If you were insistant that one be held for you, the best route would have been to have your mom speak to the Maid/Matron of Honor.
I really think the Bees need a MAJOR reality check in to expectations of bridesmaids lately…yeeeesh.
Post # 15
DB has a way of making brides believe that no one else should EVER touch their dresses, and it helps make poor brides crazy. Honestly? They aren’t THAT great that I would worry. Out of the 5 girls in my (first) wedding, none of them went to DB for alterations…and they were all beautiful. In fact, I didn’t even have my wedding dress altered by them, because I’d heard horror stories and instead went to my trusted local seamstress (who was also MUCH cheaper, faster, and had done evening dresses for me before). They scare you on purpose, so you’ll spend money there. I know it’s scary, but you’ll be fine. And if not? Someone has a dress that doesn’t fit and they’re uncomfortable for the night.
The shoe thing would bother me, if the dresses were short. If they’re long, chances are no one will see them and they’ll get changed out of / taken off shortly into the reception, so I wouldn’t freak out about that. Unless you wanted black and they’re lime green or something. Honestly, this is a rough economy, so if a Bridesmaid or Best Man has her own shoes she might be trying to save herself some money but doesn’t want to admit it to you or add unwanted stress to you. If they’re close, I’d let it go.
Weddings are stressful, and the closer you get the more you get stressed and everything seems catastrophic. Try to breathe and relax, I’m sure that no matter what shoes she’s wearing or how their dresses fit, everything will be BEAUTIFUL.
Post # 16
I understand that you want all the bridesmaids to where all matching shoes, and I think that as they comit to being a bridesmaid in your wedding that they understand all of their DUTIES, which includes helping make your day the day you dreamed about. If I wanted my bridesmaids to match and one said no, then I would probably kick them out. If they are not going to be supportive of me and my decisions of making my day great then why would I want them up their with me on my wedding day? Its harsh, but so are their responses.
With the shower, I would of just let the Maid/Matron of Honor know that you never heard of anything and with the recent lack of communication decided to take matters into your own hands. If she can’t make it to your shower that you are throwing then oh well.
With the alterations, I would just leave it up to them. If they do not want to take your suggestions, then that is their choice. However, if their dresses became ruined in anyway, then that was their choice and they will have to suffer the consequences of not participating in the wedding.