Post # 1
I am having an issue with one of my bridesmaids.
I have asked my three best friends to stand up for me on my wedding day, and love them all and was so excited for all of them to be there for me. The four of us were best friends for 6+ years. Unfortunately, about two years ago, the three of them were roommates and had a falling out when one of the girls decided to move out. Luckily, I was already living with my fiance (boyfriend at the time) and was very removed from the situation. I have remained very close with all three of them; however, one of them refuses to forgive the other two. She pretty much has not spoken to the other two except in cases when they are all in the same room and can’t avoid it. Generally, she doesn’t talk to me about it because I make it clear anytime she tries to say something bad about them that they are my close friends and I don’t want to hear it. I also made sure to let her know right away that I would be asking the other two girls to be in my wedding as well as her, and she seemed ok with it.
Since the planning has begun, I feel like she just hasn’t been that excited about it. I know it is selfish, but anytime I mention shopping for dresses, engagement party, anything involving everyone – all she wants to know is who is going to be there, can we just go with me and her and my sister instead of everyone, etc. Also, one of the other two girls told me that she reached out by email saying that she wanted to put together a brunch for my fiance and I as soon as we got engaged, and my friend never wrote back to her (it’s been three months now).
It is to the point where I am almost regretting asking her to be in my wedding, because she is being sort of mean/rude and I feel bad and embarrassed for the way she is acting. I haven’t really been telling her things about what we have done with planning, because it makes me sad when she doesn’t seem excited for me. I have asked her nonchalantly if she is ok, if anything is wrong, and she will answer with “why wouldn’t I be ok? what would be wrong?”. It is frustrating, because I know it’s all rooting back to the fact that I asked her two “enemies” to be in my wedding.
I just want to approach her and let her know that how she is acting is not ok. How do I do this with out sounding like a total selfish bridezilla?!?! I am also worried because she is very sensitive, and I’m pretty sure no matter what I say she is going to get so mad and so offended and it will make me really upset.
Post # 3
Hmm.. I see. Well, all I can say is that two of my BM’s kind of hate each other b/c Bridesmaid or Best Man #4 hooked up with a guy Bridesmaid or Best Man #5 had a huge crush on, then promptly threw him to the curb. Bridesmaid or Best Man #4 was also kind of cheating on another guy she was seeing at the time in order to hook up with this guy Bridesmaid or Best Man #5 liked. You can imagine how hurt and judgy Bridesmaid or Best Man #5 felt after this happened.
Until the point I asked them both to be BM’s, they hadn’t really spoken to each other since the incident. But honestly once they found out they were both BM’s, they did a really good job of putting their differences aside to work together and have since stayed at each other’s apartments, organized my bachelorette and done a ton of stuff for me. They aren’t back to where they used to be, but they put those feelings on the back burner in order to be good BM’s. I’m lucky, I know.
You can try being blunt with your Bridesmaid or Best Man who only responds to your questions with questions. Flat out ask her if she’s has a problem still with those girls. You don’t need to apologize or explain yourself, but tell her you understand why she’s mad and hope the three of them can put their differences aside for the wedding.
Post # 4
I agree with @moderndaisy. Ask her if she has a problem with the other ladies. If she shrugs it off, tell her that you need her to be supportive and not let something from the past affect the events leading up to your wedding. And if it’s going to be a problem for her to put on her big-girl pants, now would be the time to step down as bridesmaid.
Post # 5
Why is there one in every wedding I totally feel you on this I am going through some BM’s drama and may have to kick her out of my wedding party. I would just schedule a date with her like coffee and just be honest that will be my approach. explain the situation and express your concern and if she is a true friend she will understand and try to shape up. You only get one day and why on earth would you want to worry about your Bridesmaid or Best Man instead of having fun at your wedding. If you chose to keep her in and she doesn’t change I really hope everything works our and maybe who knows the problems between all of them will go away.
Post # 6
Part of the problem is that you told her you don’t want to hear any grievances about the other two, but now want to ask her what’s eating her. How is she to answer? I think that if you have changed your mind about getting the truth out of her, you might want to let her know that it’s OK to talk now. (Not that you have to do that.)
I don’t know if it’s a good idea to get involved or not. If you think you can foster some good communication, it might work. But you don’t want to be sucked into picking sides. But in some ways, since you asked feuding girls to be in your Bridal Party, you might have to do some intervening, if for nothing else than peace at your wedding.
Post # 7
Honestly I don’t blame her for feeling uncomfortable about the situation. It’s understandable that you don’t want to be in the middle of their drama (which is why you don’t want to hear her say anything negative about the other 2 girls). Well, in being mutual friends with the 3rd of them, you are bound to be in a situation where your involvement is kind of inevitable. Now it looks like that time as come.
You cannot expect her to “just get over it”, esp. since she probably feels like she doesn’t have your support. You can listen to what she has to say but you don’t need to agree with it or go in on the b!itchfest. Sometimes friends just need to vent to one another. She probably wishes she could talk to you about how things went down, maybe she could get closure and move-on if she could do this.
Post # 8
I think you should just be frank.
Take her out to lunch. And be like “listen, I love you, and I asked you to be in my wedding party because you are one of my closest friends, that said, so are X and Y. I know you are having difficulty with it …what do you propose you do to get over it? Would you like to step out of the wedding?”
She is going to be a little shocked and a little flustered, but remain firm. Do not let this woman interfere with your most special day and the special moments leading up to it.
Tell her her attitude has to change. If it doesnt she will not be able to be in the wedding party. You love her and hope she still attends the wedding as a guest, but if she cannot get over herself and act/be pleasant she will be asked to step down. The other girls are willing to come together and bury the hatchet and so must she. Period. Full Stop. Basta!
Post # 9
go with your instincts! approach her so you can get it off your chest, otherwise it will cause you more stress in the long run!
I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man that just wasnt as into it… long story short, eventually we had a talk and she is now no longer part of the wedding party. overall, i think it was a relief for the both of us.