Post # 1
Hey Hive! Sorry this is going to be long.
I’m having a bit of bridal party drama and I just wanted to get some opinions on my situation…
When I got engaged last year I was working for a large company. I had many ‘work’ friends (people who I hung out with during the work day, had lunch with, but never really saw outside of work). When I became engaged I asked one of my work friends to be a bridesmaid. We had hung out a few times after work at group functions but never hung out together, alone. She was also fairly good friends with my MOH…
Anywho in the Fall of last year I got offered an amazing new job and left my old company. Since leaving that job she has made no effort to contact me. I have sent her a couple e-mails and she has never replied. My sister and MOH have been working to plan my stagette/bridal shower and she has not even responded to a single one of their e-mails. To make things worse she had been acting very bitchy and controlling with my MOH so my MOH has told her she does not want to be friends with her anymore…
Flash forward to about two weeks ago. She still had not RSVP’d to our wedding (cut off date was June 1), not replied to any e-mails from my sister and moh re: stagette and shower and done absolutely nothing to help with the wedding planning. At this point I decided I did not want someone who I barely talk to to be in my wedding party. I got in touch with her and told her that I just didn’t think it was appropriate for her to be my BM because we hadn’t really been talking/hanging out and she didn’t seem too interested in the wedding and upcoming events. She told me that she understood and will happily be coming to the wedding as a guest.
Today I checked my e-mail and she had e-mailed me stating she will no longer be coming to the wedding because she felt like she was blindsided and would be uncomfortable attending. Now I feel like a bitch.
Do you bees think it is appropriate to have someone in your wedding party who doesn’t seem to care about the wedding? I feel really upset about the whole thing…
PS… I wrongly posted this in the Beehive. Could someone move it to the ‘Bridesmaid’ section?
Post # 3
I don’t think you should feel bad in this one. You really tried to reach out to her on several occasions, as did your bridal party, and it seems as if she was completely uninterested. Unless you’re really sad about losing her friendship, I would just let this go and not feel badly at all. BTW – Did she buy a bridesmaid dress for the wedding?
Post # 4
@2PeasinaPod:Nope. I allowed my bridal party to just pick out any dress they wanted to wear to the wedding. She was going to wear a dress she already owned.
Thanks for your feedback!
Post # 5
I think you did the right thing and handled it perfectly. She wasn’t insterested in participating, which she proved with her actions, and she completely used you telling her she shouldn’t be in the wedding as an excuse to turn it around. You’re probably not going to ever see her again – you’re better off just moving on.
Post # 6
Personally – I’m surprised you asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. Based on what you’ve described, you guys really didn’t seem to be close at all.
I’m not a fan of brides asking BMs to step down as you don’t really know what may be going on in their life that they are having to deal with (people don’t like to share these kinds of things) and you obviously felt close enough to ask them in the first place and those feelings don’t typiacally take a 180 degree turn that quickly.
I also think discussions like that should happen face-to-face and you’d never had any other discussion with her about being upset so I can understand why she felt blindsided and is now uncomfortable attending. I’m sure she just said she’d be happy to come as a guest because, in the moment, had no clue how else to respond.
Post # 7
Thanks for the input ladies.
@Mrs.KMM: Thanks for your response. I think I hastily asked her to be a bridesmaid in the beginning because I felt pressured to have four maids but I only could come up with three people I wanted in the bridal party. I guess I had hoped that we could continue to build our friendship up to the wedding but it just hadn’t happened. I really appreciate your honesty!
Post # 8
I think that be being unwilling to return emails she sent a signal that she didn’t want to be in the wedding. Maybe call her to see if she wants to meet for coffee so you can explain to her in person that you thought she no longer wanted to be in the wedding since she was completely out of contact with everyone and that you’re sorry if you were incorrect in that assumption.
But . . . I wouldn’t re-offer to let her be a bridesmaid.
Post # 9
@punky_brewster: Then I definitely wouldn’t feel badly! It doesn’t sound like she was interested at all, and she certainly wasn’t making any kind of effort to even be your friend, let alone be a bridesmaid! Don’t beat yourself up over it! It’s a shame to lose the friendship, but it sort of sounds as if it was a one sided one on your part anyway.
Post # 10
Am I reading this right? You have had no contact with her at all in over a year, and she ignored all of your e-mails and phone calls?
I usually come down on the side of the BMs in these types of situations, but I think you were justified in asking her to “step down” as long as you were polite. You don’t want someone who you don’t even talk to standing up for you, in your wedding pics, etc.
If she has paid any money for a BM dress or anything, I would offer to reimburse her.
Post # 11
There is no reason for you to feel badly. Being a bridesmaid is being involved in the wedding to a greater degree than your guests and she didn’t even RSVP on time for pity’s sake which is what even your most uninvolved guest is expected to do. Honestly, good riddance, I hate to say something bad about someone I don’t even know, but she sounds dramatic and flighty, hardly someone you want in your wedding pictures for years to come if she caused drama. You are definitely not in the wrong!
Post # 12
@2PeasinaPod: Thank you!! I just feel so bad about it. I understand that she would feel uncomfortable but I was hoping she could at least come and share in the day.
@Angela83: That’s right! She didn’t respond to any of the bridal party e-mails or any from myself. We had planned the stagette and let her know months in advance what the date was to make sure she could come then when it came down to the final numbers she refused to respond and said she didn’t know if she would be attending. She did not purchase a bm dress as she was going to wear one she already owned. I am going to ask if she purchased anything for the wedding so I can reimburse her.
Post # 13
@sweetpea1031: Thank you!! That’s pretty much my feeling summed up into a few sweet paragraphs.
Post # 14
I definitely wouldn’t feel bad. You made an effort to include her and so did the rest of your bridal party. You made an effort, she didn’t. I think I would have done the same thing you did.
Post # 15
In that case, DEFINITELY don’t feel bad!
Post # 16
no I think you did the right thing