- 3 years ago
So I went anon for this post, I’m really upset and have been crying on and off this past weekend, not sure what I am looking to get out of this, apart from knowing that I need a good vent session.
I have two Bridesmaids (my wedding is this fall) that were roommates until about 2 months ago – side note: upon moving in with me, they knew that my fiance (then boyfriend) were headed towards marriage at some point and would most likely live at my home after the wedding – so they’d move out before the wedding obvs haha and everyone was perfectly fine with it. OK, so – BM ‘A’ and I have been friends for 7 years, met in college, moved to diff states upon graduation and until the past 2ish years when she moved up here we were attached at the hip, finished each others’ sentences, etc etc. That being said, there is drama with A that goes back a bit to when she first moved up here (blaming me for her unhappiness in life, hates living in this state and it’s my fault because apparently I MADE her decide to move here, oy vey). I won’t even get into everything my family and I did to welcome her and make her feel comfortable, and the fact that I helped connect her with the company she now works for and vouched for her, it’s an amazing job too (owner of company is a friend of a friend). Anyway, despite my hurts and her STILL blaming me without any apology, I was prepared to move on and mend our friendship because she was a huge part of my life and I figured she was having a rough patch. We talked it out a lot, I thought we were getting over all of that unpleasantness, she agreed, yet she still didn’t want to hang out ever, said she still wanted her space. I respected this and was just happy that things seemed OK between us, or at least getting better.
Cue Bridesmaid B. B moves in with us last year, was a really good friend of mine, had known her for about 3 years before she moved in. She was aware of the drama with A, had met her once or twice, and assured me that her moving in might help things and if anything at least I’d have someone to do stuff with and not feel so bummed about the A situation, especially if A still declined to do anything with me. Well, A and B start hanging out all the time, and it’s not that I have a problem at all with that, I have lovely fiance (we’ll call LF) to hang with and I figured it was great that A and B were getting along. I started to have a problem when they would blatantly not include me in things. Now, I should note that it didn’t start getting really bad/I didn’t notice it as being bad until after I asked them to be Bridesmaids. They were both really excited, which I was happy about. Also, I wasn’t prepared to NOT ask A despite our issues because she was a huge part of my life and already knowing that I’d totally ask B, I knew that if I asked one and not the other, any chance of rekindling our friendship would be lost. Stupid me. Just for background, things that would happen were just… catty! (one would text the other about take-away and bring home dinner for the two of them without asking if I wanted anything, and then they’d sneak it in the apt; they’d go out to see a movie and post pictures online, and then swear they would’ve invited me had they thought I wanted to see a movie – WTF?!; they’d rent a movie and then watch it in one of their rooms with the door closed, hang out in each others’ rooms talking and when I’d pop my head in to say hello they’d look at me and be silent until I left OR continue talking about stuff they knew I wasn’t involved in and wouldn’t be able to contribute to the convo, oook I can take a strong ‘hint’). I even noticed them saying things to each other about LF and my relationship when they thought I wasn’t in earshot, and I’m sorry but what couple doesn’t have arguments? Especially when I am tense all the time because of my living situation, and we feel like we’re under a microscope (I couldn’t go over LF’s house much during this bc he was in the process of moving, etc etc – no worries since I owned the house where we all lived, and he made a huge effort to make sure he got along with the girls, PLUS he did all kinds of housework and yardwork), but yes we did argue sometimes and we tried to be respectful or go for a drive to talk things out. Side note: things have been back to glorious ‘normal’ between he and I since they moved out, not that they were bad before but you get me. I call it married-couple healthy bickering 😉
ANYWAY, the last few weeks since they moved out I was thinking things would get better, the tension was gone from us living together, maybe they could step back and see things more clearly since we had some space, realize they were being mean, yada yada. ‘A’ moved downtown, some person she knew was gonna let her stay for free until she found a place, B moved out and back home for financial reasons. B then contacted me about her and I doing dinner and a movie before officially moving the last of her things out, I was excited to get some one on one time with her- until the day-of I get a group message to both A and I asking which of the two movies (that they had narrowed it down to) did we all want to see. I was like WTH, I had no clue first of all that A was invited, and secondly, they had been making plans without even letting me know. At first I felt kind of ganged-up on, but then I decided that it was probably an oversight, and went anyway. Most. Awkward. Dinner. Ever. They actually TEXTED each other during dinner, which I probably should have just left, but at the movie I decided they could just talk around me, so I sat in the middle, lol. A few weeks ago I get a message saying that A has moved in with B and her family until she can find a place, they’re letting her stay there for free, she couldn’t take the parking situation downtown, etc. A few weeks go by, and it’s my birthday. Friend B wants to know what I have planned, and I said I was thinking of getting a group together for dinner and drinks. I send out an email with the plan, the date, etc, and wanted to get a head-count for reservations. I make the reservation, week-of some people cancel and then day-of another cancels (sick child). Ok, fine. So it’s LFiance, me, another BM, A and B. OH NO! Anyway, I put a happy face on hoping for the best, and I felt like I went back in time to highschool. We all sat down, talked about where we were going for drinks after, usual catch-up stuff. The whole dinner it was seriously like they were the ‘cool girl’ clique and giggling to each other, they got there an hour earlier than the reservation to hang out when they LIVE together so it’s not like they had a ton to catch up on by the time we all got there for dinner, and just generally making private jokes that none of us had a clue about, etc, one of which was snidely at the expense of my LF which made me LIVID. It was a struggle for conversation, and LF god bless him tried his best to keep things light. I love that man. Towards the end of the dinner, we are getting ready to head to the other place for drinks, and B starts, I kid you not, looking up MOVIE TIMES on her phone for her and friend A that night, completely ignoring the drinks plan! I mean… Ok if you don’t want to go to drinks I get it, frankly I was relieved to be leaving the awkwardness but do that stuff in the car or not when three people are sitting there totally flabbergasted.
I think the things that upset me the MOST are that friend B is awesomely nice to me when it’s just her and I, but she is turning into this catty mean person when she’s around A, and A is verrrry good at seeming super nice and innocent when she’s really manipulating situations. I’ve spoken to both of them in the past about things upsetting me and I feel like they give a good song and dance but ultimately it falls on deaf ears. I’m not the type of person to have the balls to kick them out of the wedding, but I’m really upset about everything and I feel like I’m all cried out. I DON’T want to think about this stuff any more! I know I need to stop inviting them to things that aren’t wedding-related, it just really sucks so bad. I don’t want the wedding-related stuff to be awkward or tense but I feel like I can’t even escape it. Other things have happened in the past that I should’ve taken cues from with friend A, but I really truly thought she was different. I just feel so sad!
Now all of my BM’s are planning my bachelorette and one came to me asking if I’d want to give some input bc B is railroading over everyone and deciding how many nights we’re staying and everything without letting everyone give their input or even letting me know. I’m not going to demand things and I want it to be affordable certainly, but I’d appreciate even just the courtesy of a progress report. Anyway, I’m going to fill my MOH in on the situation (she lives kind of far and I haven’t filled her in yet), in all honesty I was hoping it would blow over or I was imagining things, but after everything and others mentioning it, it would seem I’m not 🙁 I have decided that I’d rather do something locally rather than 2 hours away if it ends up only being me, A, B, and my other BM so that I don’t have to feel like crap the whole time. I just can’t believe I’m letting this stuff affect what we do for my wedding. I don’t know what to do.
AHHH I hate this drama, I just want to stop feeling upset! I want to enjoy the process without feeling talked about or be in these catty situations 🙁 Anyone have words of wisdom, similar situations, thoughts, comments? Thanks for reading/listening!