(Closed) Bridesmaid drama, need some advice (long vent)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was afraid of a similar situation happening with my childhood best friend – we were best friends from 3rd grade through high school, but then went to different colleges (only an hour apart, but still, when you are a freshman in college an hour apart you are leading two very separate lives!).  When I started dating my now fiance halfway through our freshman year, I think this friend felt a bit neglected and even though we have now been dating for six years I think she still holds it against him and has never tried to get to know him.  I know wasn’t the best friend that I could have been as an 18 year old with a brand new (first!) boyfriend, but over the years it has been frustrating for me to see all of my other friends embrace my fiance as their own friend as well and see that we are a great match, and have this one friend still not like him!  When we got engaged I had lunch with this friend to tell her in person since I was in town for the holidays, and she did not seem excited for us or happy about it at all.  I was on the fence about her being a bridesmaid at the time and her reaction pretty much sealed the deal for me that she would not be in the bridal party.  I have several friends from our highschool group that I am still close with who will also not be in the party, so she will be with them as a guest instead.  

Anyway, this was a long story to explain that after I made the decision to not include her as a bridesmaid even though we had a long history as friends, I felt SO much better about it.  In my heart I just didn’t feel like I would be comfortable having her standing next to me knowing that she didn’t actually support me.  Your bridal party is supposed to be people who love support you and your fiance and are happy for your future life together.  If she doesn’t support you she should not be in it – it will only cause you stress leading up to and on your wedding day, when your focus should be on the excitement of getting married to the love of your life! 🙂  Are there any other girls that you are  friends with that were not selected to be bridesmaids?  If so, I’d talk to Cobra and explain that you want people who support you and your fiance standing with you, and that even though she won’t be a bridesmaid you still want her at the wedding (if, that is, you do still want her at the wedding!) – she can spend the day with these other friends instead.

Post # 4
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sorry to read of your troubles with BMs. I’ve heard the larger the party the more drama that comes with it. You’re wedding day should be special and you should be surrounded by people who love you and will be supportive (even if they have to suck it and pretend). Also, I’ve always thought that a bridal party should consist of people (family/friends) who will in fact be support to you and your Fiance through this time and through your marriage. So it’s a thing now that these negative things are coming to light before there’s a website or printed programs to have to explain changes to. I hope that you’re able to talk to your friend Bridesmaid or Best Man Ladybug and work out the issue. But please don’t feel like you have to settle for a friend as a Bridesmaid or Best Man because you’ve already asked them to be in your wedding. Good Luck

Post # 5
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Answer to your question is no. Why would you have someone stand up there with you if they don’t support your relationship!!! Sadly you have made a big mistake by choosing your bridal party far too soon. It’s also wise to have a small party to make life easier and much more drama free. Good luck, sounds like your going to need it.

Post # 6
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think what the previous posters have said about wanting someone to stand up next to you who supports your wedding is definitely true.  The thing that actually would be a bigger deal to me personally is the fact that she said netaive things about you to another person.  I have a really hard time wiht people who say negative things about me to other people … and particularly when it comes to wedding stuff since it’s supposed to be such a joyous event.  You have to take into consideration the totality of the circumstances when making a decision of course, but based on the brief information you’ve written, I would choose not to have her.  Yes, it’s hard when you have a large party, and yes it’s hard when you pick your bridal party so far in advance, but 1. it’s already done, so don’t worry about it, and 2. the reason those things are hard is supposed to be because of logistaical matters – getting that many people to coordinate dates and dresses and meetings and rehearsals, etc.  Nothing about having a large bridal party correlates with therefore having bridesmaids who say negative things about you.  As far as HOW you should talk to her about it – that’s complicated.  It might be really confrontational, it might also be really hard to be honest with her without having to confront her about what you know that she has done.  And if you are honest about it, it may be really hard to go from that conversation to “we would love to just have you as a guest”.  Clearly, she’s in the wrong, but people don’t often see their own actions and feel remorse for them – they usually lash out at the other person even when they’re wrong.  Good luck to you!

Post # 8
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Before you go making any decisions to include or exclude her, it occurs to me that you have not actually heard anything from her directly.  Anything you hear through the grapevine is, of necessity, biased.  I would definitely try to talk to her about it before you spend too much energy deciding what to do- after all, you haven’t yet confirmed what she actually thinks.

 

Post # 9
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

i would start first by inviting her out for coffee. the only topic i would bring up is ask if what she said was true. thats all. communication is key! maybe if you guys start talking you can begin to strengthen your relationship. from there it’s a choice–she can keep being MIA. or she can start being a good friend. maybe after coffee she can come over for dinner and get to know both you and your Fiance.

Post # 10
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with the last two comments although generally, your gut instinct is probably right on, especially if a GUY (the groomsmen) told you she’s been gossiping. What would be a guy’s incentive to lie about something like that? 

I was a bridesmaid in a horribly gossipy girl’s wedding. She said horrible things about me and I didn’t want to stand up for her on her day, but I also didn’t want to make waves. I was hoping she would address me about it and I could step down or she could kick me out but it never happened, and I didn’t have the balls to bow out because I thought it would be more drama than it was worth. In retrospect, i deeply regret not backing out of being her bridesmaid. I didn’t enjoy myself and, given that she apparently disliked me so much, I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant for her to have me there either. Especially ALL her pictures with me in them. I am sure it took a lot of editing to make my presence invisible.  And i’m sure she was mean spirited about it all the while and I basically fueled that by being there.

 

I would have a discussion with her but DO NOT be afraid to say something about how you have just grown apart and you know it would probably best for both of you if she were not a bridesmaid. If it comes to that, of course.

Post # 12
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

If you feel that she’s that close of a friend I’d say talk to her. I had a lot of bridesmaid drama and I later found out that talking things out really helps!!! Who would have tought of that? right? LOL! Talk to her and tell her how you feel and maybe she will tell you why she’s feeling like that. If you guys cannot sort this out, maybe your friendship is not that strong after all. In that case, I’d step down. In the worst case scenario, you’d have to ask her to step down. Good Luck! 

Post # 13
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am not sure that talking to her will be all that helpful. I fear that even if you square this issue away and think you’re on common ground, there will be other issues that arise and you may regret keeping her on as Bridesmaid or Best Man. 

If she has agreed to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your wedding, I cannot imagine any reason she should be saying those kinds of things to people. It’s not her place to voice whether or not you are “ready to be married” and certainly not ok to be trash talking your man. That is completely unacceptable. 

You only get married once (hopefully!). This day is for you and your man to celebrate your love and share it with those closest to you. These people need to support you, whole heartedly- especially your wedding party. Even if they don’t necessarily “approve”, they have to respect you. Personally, I think if Bridesmaid or Best Man Ladybug really felt this way, she should have declined being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Take the initiative now, and tell her you’ve grown apart.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Sorry about the drama but do keep us posted

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